Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Where have I gone?
Post Info TOPIC: Where have I gone?
Annie1


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Where have I gone?
Permalink  

I have a very high functioning AH.  He pays all the bills except childcare, my gas, groceries and the garbage bill.  He goes to work everyday and works anywhere from 50-60 hours a week.  He almost never calls in.  When he does he is either actually sick or its due to staying up to late and drinking too much to make it in to work.  I am guessing that has happened twice maybe this year.  He is a pretty great father to a child that isn't his and to our own child.  My only complaint with him on being a parent is that the drinking takes time and normalcy away from the kids.  He drinks an average of 5 days a week I would say.  He gets in from work and has already drank 1-2 beers on the way home.  He will have maybe 30 min of time with us and then he goes to the bedroom and plays his xbox.  He only gets up to get another beer, pee or eat right before he passes out.  I have dealt with this for years.  He will try to stop every few months and will go usually a week or 2.  he normally drinks a 12 pack each night.  On the weekends though he will drink 16-20 a night.  He has went up to 5 weeks not to long ago but tricks himself and says "it's only 1 night".  He is very depressed.  I do not help the situation because I have gotten to the point of absolute anger!  I am furious over his drinking.  I have fallen into my own depression.  I have health issues going on with myself that worsen with stress.  I am stressed to the max.  The sound of the fridge opening absolutely infuriates me.  I have lost myself.  I have lose all faith in him.  I am slowly falling out of love with him I think.  When he stops drinking for a short amount of time I am stupid and allow myself to get my hopes up.  He quickly crushes them and I hate him again, hate life hate existing.  I don't even recognize myself anymore.  I have left him several times in the past due to alcohol and substance abuse.  I feel that I owe it to my kids to just suck it up and deal but how do I do that again?  I used to do fine at ignoring the problem and now I can't control my anger, my words, my hate, my feelings...  I am out of control.  Please help me.

P.s.  He's not home right now due to a beer run earlier and picked up a friend on his way.  He missed giving the kids a kiss before bed.  He has to be at work in the morning around 7am.  He will have to drive himself home.



__________________
Debb


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1661
Date:
Permalink  

Annie1, welcome to MIP, glad you found us and have shared with us!

You would greatly benefit if you would find a local Al-Anon group in 

your area and begin the Al-Anon 12 step program.  It will guide you to

a more peaceful and serene you!!  Local chapters can be found by either

reaching the national Al-Anon website and searching in your area or by

googling for your local group by state.  It is so important at this time

that you seek help for yourself.  You are not alone, we are hear to listen

but to help yourself, you have to take the first steps to work the steps,

because they work when you work them!!!   {{HUGS}}



__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  

Welcome Annie I can so identify with everything that you wrote and have experienced the unrelenting anger and resentment of which you speak.

Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. AA is a successful recovery programs for the alcoholic, and Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members.

Living with the disease is indeed extremely difficult and the negative tools that we develop in order to cope with the insanity, hurt us tremendously. We take the focus of ourselves and our own well-being, place it outside ourselves and make ourselves invisible in the process.We need to always remember that we did not cause the disease, cannot cure it or control it 

Al-Anon gave me the tools that helped me to rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth while breaking the isolation caused by the disease. By attending face to face meetings and  sharing with people who understood as no one else could, I began to trust and grow again. Meetings are held in most communities and I urge you to search the white pages for the hotline number.

You are not alone and there is hope and help



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Annie1


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Permalink  

I don't feel that I have the option to go to meetings.  I know it is supposed to be anon but I just don't trust that it would be.  My family depends heavily on his income and I am worried that if someone he works with recognized me they would tell his coworkers and bosses.  That is why I have finally decided to turn to the internet for help.  Thank you for responding.  I am trying to find ways to help pick myself back up.  I want him to know that he is potentially throwing his family away but I'm tired of going about it the way that I do.  He is just as disappointed in himself as I am.  So I know me flying off the handle is only doing further damage but I'm at a point of hate for his actions that I don't know how to back off.



__________________
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  



I do understand-- we do have online meetings here two times a day-- here is the address and schedule


www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html


Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time


Learning new constructive tools to live by and being able to be supportive and loving while still validating myself was a true gift of this program. Please keep coming back to the meetings here a try



-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 12th of July 2015 09:00:46 PM

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debb


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1661
Date:
Permalink  

Annie1, there are two meetings a day on this board, which you can locate on the 

top left of this screen and there are the 12 step session that you can work on this

board as well and can access them on the top right of this screen.



__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
Annie1


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you both so much. I will definitely check them out.

__________________
Annie1


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Permalink  

I didn't realize there was a 12 step program for the family. I had always been under the impression that was for the abuser. I'm already learning something.

__________________
Debb


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1661
Date:
Permalink  

Annie1 I very happy you found us, you will learn so much about yourself

and how to regain your peace and serenity.  The 12 step of al-anon are

definitely a gift and so are all the people on this board.  Welcome!!!



__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
Jill


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1020
Date:
Permalink  

Hi Annie1 Welcome. People come to AlAnon for other reasons than an alcoholic spouse. For some, it's a mother or father whose drinking is a problem for them. For others it's a brother, sister, son, daughter, grandson, etc. Anyone in our lives. You will come to know our many reasons for each of us belonging here. I hope you join us and stick around for your own miracle.

__________________
Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:
Permalink  

Annie -

I too wanted to welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad you shared.

I too have felt everything that you feel. This disease affects everyone who loves/lives with a substance abuser and it's a progressive, cunning, baffling and powerful disease.

There is hope for everyone - and you are correct that continuing to do and react the way you have been is damaging to you and him. Al-Anon gives us a program and tools to learn how to be different, become more confident and enjoy life again no matter what's going on in our surroundings.

Keep coming back and know that you aren't alone! We're just a post away!

(((Hugs))) to you!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
almostThere


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 274
Date:
Permalink  

Hi and Welcome!!!

I can SOOooo relate to your story. My A maintains her job and does a great job of keeping everyone else in the dark about her disease but me! Including our kids. And when things go wrong, it's clearly my fault because everyone knows she's just peachy and I'm an angry jerk (so they're half right!)!!

I was also worried about her bosses and co-workers seeing me at meetings and letting the cat out of the bag. I'm in a little different place than you in that a loss of her income would be difficult, if not devastating to our situation, but we're due to be empty-nesters in 3 years, so I can weather the storm.

What finally occurred to me, besides that fact that I got to the point where I didn't give a damn about who knew what, is that no one has to know for whom you are attending the meeting. Your "qualifier" could be any friend or family member - ma, pa, uncle, aunt, brother, sister, cousin, boss, ex-partner - whatever. You don't have to reveal it, and you don't have to speak. If anyone says anything, you can just say "Yeah, poor Aunt Lucy - just don't know how to deal with her anymore."

That being said, if you just can't do it, I'd try the online meetings, and if scheduling is a problem, this board is available 24 hours a day. Do whatever you can to help you deal with this disease and restore a sense of peace and serenity for yourself. Your kids (and you) need you to be as sane, calm and balanced as possible.

Glad you are here!

__________________
El infierno es la ausencia de la razón.
norasq


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 67
Date:
Permalink  

Annie, I too can totally relate to your experience. It is SO SO hard to live like that. For me, the building up stress and anger got to a point where I realized that I wasn't doing myself, or my daughter, any good. You've said that you depend on your financially, and I relate to that too. When I was trying to decide what to do (with a high level of panic) I found it very helpful to consult with a lawyer to get a ballpark picture of what support I could expect to get if I left. Many attorneys will do a free or a low-priced consultation, and if you are in dire straits financially, you can call your local court and ask about free legal services. It helped me so much to just inquire (without AH knowing) and get a general picture of how things could work financially with spousal and child support if I chose to leave. That calmed me down and helped me remember that I had choices, and some of the rage (from feeling powerless) subsided.

Do keep coming back -- so many of us have been where you are.

__________________
Skorpi


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1095
Date:
Permalink  

Hi Annie, and welcome. I hope you keep coming back to MIP.

__________________

Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Where have I gone?