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when nothing changes and HOLY COW .. NOTHING has changed. I guess if I didn't know that before I totally get it again and it was a God thing telling me be so glad you are out of that mess.
My XAH definitely has the attitude if it doesn't slap him in the face he doesn't need to deal with it. Part of the reason apparently he has not be forth coming in his financials is that there is a whole mess attached to it all.
So I guess I need to back up .. LOL .. we went to court last week and I walk into my atty's office and she says umm .. so I talked to X's atty and S .. there is a big mess going on and just telling you know there is a debt with the IRS to the tune of approximately 20k. Umm excuse me? For what years?! 2013 and 2014 neither of which we were attached to each other obviously 2014 we divorced however 2013 I filed married and separate. Both years I claimed the kids on my taxes because of the awful mess he put me in, I just couldn't figure the judge ruling against me. Anyway, very long story short it's a mess the new wife JUST found out about it and needless to say I'm sure he rationalized it away. At the same time they are married and I view it as she's trapped. She made the statement to both myself and my daughter that this was her 3rd marriage and she was going to do whatever it takes to make it work. I was thinking at the time .. oh honey good luck with that. Not my business, so I just kept my mouth shut.
So in 9 months he wracked up almost 50k in debt this doesn't include what I know about and she doesn't so the total is actually more. He's beyond a hot mess. My atty looked at me and said umm .. this is going to get interesting. I am allowed to remove the kids out of state. So that is the biggest hurdle for me at this point. I got a deal that I can't believe at least my child support has doubled and because of much stupidity that has to do with the 401k that he cashed out and tried to make me take the penalty on. This is about where 1/2 of the debt to the IRS is and that was this past years taxes.
Apparently he spoke to neither his atty or his NW who happens to be in banking about this decision. I wonder how she feels about wearing his 401k on her finger now? YIKES!! His atty was speechless and when I say pissed I mean pissed off big time. This bomb was dropped on him in the last 7 days before court since he wouldn't go and see his atty since the beginning of April.
Now they have been married now for 7 months. When we got to court he was there with the NW this is a new move in terms of she has never been present in the past and I believe that is because he can't be trusted to tell the truth.
I wound up with a decent deal. I really did. I could have pushed and gotten more at this point though I figure that will come and I can ask for more based upon how much his income goes up and how much he lies about things going forward which as we all unfortunately have come to the conclusion A's lie and continue to do so. Based upon his stupidity I get to claim both of the kids until 2017 and then there will be two years we share so to speak splitting my youngest however I do not see that happening really. I figure by then he will have screwed even more up and he will be digging himself out of yet another hole. Actually I'm counting on it.
Like I said this debt is literally the tip of the iceberg because that doesn't include what he owes the hospital for his inpatient stay 2 years ago that I'm sure hasn't come out PLUS the issue of the accident he had that he's still not paid on.
Other than that my atty and I looked at each other and said what an idiot together .. LOL. She just shook her head and said I can't believe this woman married him and made a comment about how she was whipping him into shape .. I laughed out loud and said no honey she's his mother and she's paying the bills because he can't. That's called mothering that is not called marriage. She's dealing with an adult child and I heard his collar click three notches while we sat in the court room. LOL!! Very honestly I did not even acknowledge their presence because there is no point plus I don't speak to the other party while in negotiations because it's not how I negotiate. It's so obvious to me that he's far from being done at this point. Which is a shame. The kids have been gone now for 3 weeks there has been one contact and last night of course he contacted them again my daughter shut the conversation down because he was fishing for information and she doesn't like it when he does that, she's explained to him that she only wants to discuss what is happening with her and Dylan not ask what are the plans as far as us moving and so on. She said to me it's just not his business and I am so done at this point. So I asked before you respond please let's talk about it. She said no worries I've got nothing to say at this point mom. He's not asking any relevant questions and it appears to me he's drinking, which is just not my problem. I sure don't have to engage. What can I say to that .. she's absolutely right. When he realized she wasn't going to talk about moving with him the conversation completely stopped.
I was so good to a point .. lol .. his poor atty apparently likes me a lot and even said if I could get more money out of him S deserves that and more. I was completely shocked .. however I needled him a bit just to make a point .. LOL .. not nice however letting him know he needs to handle his client better. It was a funny interchange to me and my atty said now S .. that wasn't nice .. true .. just not nice so at some point I will have to apologize .. lol .. and you are going to ask was it worth it .. umm .. yes .. yes it was.
Anyway, so begins the planning. My sponsor and I have spent a long time talking and we both agree based upon the situation that a location change is required. I believe my X is headed for a HUGE and I do mean HUGE meltdown. I do not want the kids present nor do I want to deal with it either. A clean break seems like the best solution and let him implode .. we just don't need to witness it. I think he'll make it to the end of next year .. my feeling is once his marriage takes more of a financial toll and it will he will lose his mommy and down he will go. This next time I doubt he will find another mother and I def don't want the kids around for that one.
Well, gotta boogie .. LOL!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
A girl i know just went thru all that mess trying
To get divorced. It Took her 7 years , finally it went
Thru. It was the irs stuff he was trying to stick
Her with his back debt that had nothing to do with
Her.
Good luck with all you have going on. I thank my
Lucky stars no kids, back debt or that he was active.
What i ended up with was bad enough.
It looks like HP was with you in the court-room as well as on your journey! So happy for you that you are free to move with the kids and so glad you get to go forth with your plans.
Celebrate your freedom and enjoy!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You know...I think you are dead on with the prediction for your ex and the classification of the dynamics going on. I would bet he didn't pay bills for the whole time he was without a full time enabler because that was "grown up stuff" or wife/mommy stuff he never learned and didn't think he should have to do.
If it's not automatically deduced then he just can't pay it. If he gets to decide then he pays what he wants when he wants. To him I don't deserve the money .. It's HIS money. I'm so grateful to almost be done with this all .. It really becomes who am I now that there is no more court and yes I have to focus on me. It's a step I'm ready for .. One more stepping stone to maturity for me.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
And as more time passes, it's still him that is locked in chains from the disease. It's still him that doesn't know how to share appropriately. Still him that can't be a dad to his kids the way they deserve. Still him that needs a mommy instead of a wife.
That is not so much infuriating now is it? It's pathetic. And detachment with love takes on a new role for you. Move away and seriously wish him well and/or for him to change to have a better life maybe, but also for your kids to have a higher functioning dad. But don't hold out hope for it happening....if it does great, if not...same old, same old. Not your circus right?
I think Pink that is the saddest part to me is that he's in denial and shock over everything at the moment.
He really doesn't believe that we are moving after all I can't get it done. I'm to (fill in the blank). No it won't be done like it should very little in my life often is .. lol .. however it will get done and I'm about 3/4 of the way at this point. I just need some time to figure out a few details .. LOL!
Honestly I think that's why he agreed to the removal .. he doesn't believe it can or will happen without me being involved with someone else. He just doesn't get that while I might stumble I will get it done.
The kids have come to the acceptance that once we move they will rarely see him if at all. The wording is still there that the kids decide on seeing him or not so they will not be forced to go. I have friends who they can stay with when they come for a visit and will monitor the visitation. Meaning .. if they say no or need to be picked up they will take care of things.
Ohhhh .. this was rich .. the car situation that I had been stubborn about (I was being difficult .. lol .. because I knew he was lying) before he got married, well I made a comment to my atty about him talking about giving E his car. She looked completely perplexed and said what car? I said well his car . know the green one that he owns. She looked at me and asked do they own 2 cars or 3? I said 2 that I know of. Umm S .. those cars are both the wife's I don't know what car Jeff was talking about giving away, they aren't registered to him. D'oh!? Ohhh .. alrighty then. So no he was driving someone else's car and again .. I had no idea what kind of insurance it had, I never denied him visitation I was very clear he would not drive them if I did not see registration and insurance on the car.
I'm glad I stuck to that boundary. I knew it didn't feel right.
Yes, I wish him well .. far far away from us. I'm so glad that the kids are in California at the moment for the summer they are having the time of their lives. My mom is enjoying it, I know she's going to be pooped when they leave. I'm just taking a long breath and letting it all out.
What I actually pray is that he finds his way back to the kids on a healthier functioning level. I also pray if he cannot do that then that God will remove him from the situation so the kids and I can have peace. I do pray that whatever God's Will is that it's for the highest good of all concerned. I feel so strongly that God's Will is that we get some serious distance.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Umm excuse me? For what years?! 2013 and 2014 neither of which we were attached to each other obviously 2014 we divorced however 2013 I filed married and separate. Both years I claimed the kids on my taxes because of the awful mess he put me in, I just couldn't figure the judge ruling against me. Anyway, very long story short it's a mess the new wife JUST found out about it and needless to say I'm sure he rationalized it away. At the same time they are married and I view it as she's trapped. She made the statement to both myself and my daughter that this was her 3rd marriage and she was going to do whatever it takes to make it work. I was thinking at the time .. oh honey good luck with that. Not my business, so I just kept my mouth shut. 