The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had a number of rude awakenings this week, and one big one has to do with realizing how much I still need to work on my own recovery.
I've been separated from my functioning alcoholic husband for almost 2 years, after a 20+ year marriage. He continues to deny that he has a problem with alcohol, but at times has acknowledged that his simultaneous use of Xanax has been a big problem. (And he just told me that he's starting taking xanax again to manage anxiety because "it's the only thing that works" but I shouldn't worry because he "hardly takes any" and it's a "really tiny dose." Yep.) At any rate, when we separated, I was in so much pain around so many lies and contradictions and from living with the feeling that I never knew which way was up any more. He always told me that it was MY issue -- I was over-reacting, I was misunderstanding, I'd mis-heard, etc.
So much of my work over the last two years has involved my going to Al-anon, and therapy, and understanding how I'd stopped listening to my own instincts and common sense because I wanted to believe what he told me, wanted to believe that it was me overreacting, etc. I came to buy into his skewed view of a lot of things, and I've come to see that I was living in my own world of denial. Nowadays, I don't believe anything he says about drinking or Xanax or a whole lot of other things. At the bottom of it, though, I want to believe he's a good, fair guy with good intentions.
We are (relatively amicably) moving forward with finalizing the divorce. And this week I learned, to my absolute shock and dismay, that he's recently moved marital assets out of my reach. I had at one point asked him about a bank deposit that should have been made but wasn't, he said at the time that he'd "mistakenly" put it in a different account but he'd fix it. It was bogus, obviously, but I thought my calling him on it would make him act appropriately. And this week I sat down and went through everything, and see that a lot of assets have been moved out of joint accounts into -- well, places I can't see or reach.
And I was shocked, and angry. And then I felt foolish -- like, "how could you believe him after all of this?" I've gone around in circles a bit, feeling foolish for not being more vigilant, KNOWING I can't believe him -- and yet I never ever thought he'd do this.
I've got a great attorney, and saw her yesterday, and I'm confident that the financial side of things will work out fine. But the whole situation, and my reactions, have made me realize that on some level I still fall into the pattern of wanting to believe him, of assuming the best about him, and believing when he tells me he wouldn't do anything dishonest or to hurt me and our daughter, yada yada yada. My first instinct is to believe him, even when rationally I know I can't. I still want into buy into his view of himself, when I know he's not who he holds himself out to be. I guess, at this point, I'm not as much surprised at his dishonesty as I am surprised at being surprised at all by it, if you know what I mean.
So sorry to hear that the lying is still going on. SO frustrating, but nice that your attorney is competent and thinks that things will work out.
I know for me, no matter how many times I told myself I couldn't believe what my wife was saying, I still wanted to believe her because if I believed her, that meant that she was a good person, and I needed her to be a good person because I had, after all, decided on her to spend my life with, and if she was not a good person, then my choice was not a good choice. And, I thought that would make me a bad decision maker. So, I needed her to be a good person so I could feel good about myself and my choices.
And I went on believing her lies and getting really angry when I inadvertently caught her in one. I let myself accept and believe her stories instead of seeing the reality that I was living in.
For me, realizing that my belief of her lies was more about my preservation of my self image was really helpful, because it let me put the negative activities and consequences that she caused on her, and I realized that making a less than perfect decision about getting involved with her didn't make me a worse person. It just made me a human person with emotions, who made the best decision possible at the time. We can't see how things will work out in the future, so I think the best we can hope for is to make decisions that are true to ourselves and our beliefs when we make them, and be gentle on ourselves when things don't work out the way we wanted them to. We are only human, after all.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I too am sorry for the latest events. This progressive disease just seems to bring about the worst in people, and I am always grateful for the Serenity Prayer at times like this.
It sounds as if you are working your program and moving forward. I also see you doing what you can about the situation and the divorce, so kudos to you for self-protection and self-care.
Keep doing what you are doing and keep turning it over. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way - enjoy today and keep focusing on you and your recovery...
(((Hugs)))!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is indeed unsettling to face a difficult reality and I am pleased to see that you have had the courage, and wisdom to do just that. I am sorry to read of your difficulites but do understand that "DENIAL" is a powerful tool of this disease and it takes time and effort to eliminate it from deep within. I found the more i attempted to listen to the still small voice within and my own instincts,Denial flew out the window.
Progress not perfection is the key.Glad you are here
I was in exactly the same position you find yourself now. In retrospect, I consider it one of many of my HP's ways of confirming my decision to live without him. The deep hurt of realizing his priority was his drug clarified the route I should take.
It was not good in the moment. It was woe-incuding. With time, work and the support of my home group, I came to know it was sad on his part, but I would be fine. And I AM!
I encourage you to continue to be easy with yourself and use your wisdom. It's so good your fine attorney can set the money part right.
But the whole situation, and my reactions, have made me realize that on some level I still fall into the pattern of wanting to believe him, of assuming the best about him, and believing when he tells me he wouldn't do anything dishonest or to hurt me and our daughter, yada yada yada. My first instinct is to believe him, even when rationally I know I can't. I still want into buy into his view of himself, when I know he's not who he holds himself out to be. I guess, at this point, I'm not as much surprised at his dishonesty as I am surprised at being surprised at all by it, if you know what I mean.
This is a great statement for him to hear while keeping all the rest of your post in front of you....This is the part he needs to know that you know and know that you know and he will have a consequence from reality. It sounds just right using our guidance "Say what you mean, mean what you say...don't say it mean". Course you don't really have to do it that way either and just do it the pre-program way and then you don't impress as being that way??? Keep coming back and let us know how it comes out so that if some of use need the direction we can have it here. Mahalo (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I think the situation is a good reminder on a number of levels -- why I need to divorce him, for one, how he's still lying as much if not more than he did before, how I fall into denial still, and how important it is for me to accept reality and not beat myself up over being skeptical about what he tells me. At this point, I know it's about my own codependence and boundaries and staying present FOR MYSELF. Anyway, coming here helps so much. Thank you all.
