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Among other things, my X is giving my son beer and is using our son as a dumping ground for his emotional problems. He throws me under the bus to our son, he bemoans his life and tells our son how depressed he is and how he's a loser, etc. These are all things he did to me and now he's found a new audience.
My son was crying and we had a 2 hour long deep conversation last night where we discussed getting him counseling and his willingness to try AlAnon (Alateen, he says, isn't for him). Anyway, it was a long overdue discussion. He's angry at me for dating and moving on and doesn't want to hear about the guy I'm dating AT ALL. He mentioned that he was suicidal a few months ago when he was sick. He talked about how hard it's been to adjust to me going back to work and how staying with his dad is depressing.
I have no idea what to do right now. I need my job. He needs help. My x is losing it. God help me.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Your ex giving your son beer is just too outrageous. That would be a reason to revisit the custody arrangements, in my book. That is outrageous behavior, and your son may be genetically vulnerable to alcoholism - absolutely unconscionable to try to get him drinking, even if he weren't underage and more vulnerable to making unwise decisions.
On the one hand, your son was going to have to make the move to being more independent at some point, and it makes sense that there would be some rough spots with that. On the other hand, I know you going back to work has forced the time-line up. Remember that you going back to work is not your disregard of your son's needs. It is a response to the inability of his dad to carry his part of the load. So if there's "blame" in this situation, it is not yours. And in the long run, it is a good model for your son to see that what his role model (you) does when times get tough is to step up and do what has to be done.
The fact that he is confiding in you is so good. And you are able to talk with him about what kinds of help he is open to trying first. Because the other thing you can model for him is the fact that when the going gets tough, the tough get help.
I know that some kids just never want to hear about new people in their parents' lives. Down the road he may be able to handle it better. That seems like something that can wait. You've had a long time to get used to the new scenario, but the processing operates on a different scale for him.
This is so tough. Take very good care of yourself.
I have to ask a really hard question how positive is the contact with your x at this point for your son. Thankfully the kids were not old enough that he would have given them alcohol. Counseling counseling and more counseling .. Does your work offer EAP? Employee Assistance Program. You can get a few free sessions through them. Find a good counselor for him. My kids have benefited greatly. Hugs .. Right now he's hearing the drunk story from his dad. That's why there is limited contact between my x and the kids.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Bonnie, it's a lot of change for a teenager, but your son has also been rather sheltered. He was the only reason you were staying over the last several years and you also focused all your attention on him to avoid dealing with the ex. Plus he always had you right there to buffer him from the worst of his dad. He probably feels like he lost his best friend to a degree. BUT - keep in mind, this is stuff that needed to happen anyway. Much of this is needed adversity for your son. If he didn't get up from under your apron strings, he was going to stay there forever. Counseling would be a good idea because it's a lot of changes at once and he is already at a turbulent time in life - adolescence. Oddly, I almost wish he would meet the guy you are dating, not to replace his father, but to give an idea of what a functional man does and how one acts. I know he has some good mentors in his coaches and such...maybe more time with those male role models in some ways. I might look into finding him a male counselor.
So sorry that these changes are hard for your son. I am all about the Trusting HP when too many things I can't control come at once. I agree with those above me - find any/all resources you can to help him through this transition - he sounds like he's a strong young man. I am certain you both will come out better on the other side of this.
Keep coming back and know we are only a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yeah, my biggest concerns aren't about the dating stuff. What bothered me is that my X told my son that I was having sex with the guy. My son was like, "mom, even if it were you and dad having sex, I still wouldn't want to hear about my parent's sex life...ewwww." UGH
My X told our son that one of his best friends had stopped talking to him (x) just because he got a divorce. I told my son, "That doesn't sound like Uncle Sean. He loves you and dad and I seriously doubt he'd shut dad out just because of our divorce." So, I messaged Sean on FB last night and he told me that he did nothing of the sort and that he will reach out to my son and that he is praying for all of us.
My son asked to go back to the counselor he had a few years ago who is a male. I will be calling the guy today. My son also asked to go to Alanon. Says he isn't interested in Alateen, though, but I figured that any support group is better than none at all.
He told me that he gets headaches at his dad's all the time and that his dad's depression is wearing on him. He told me that his dad is f*cking pathetic and that he is tired of trying to boost his father up emotionally, etc.
I agree with Mark as does my new bf (see, Mark, you guys are on the same page, LOL). He needs to learn about adversity and how to overcome and how to handle the stress because he truly did say he's stressed out. I was tempted to quit my job at this point and maybe try to find something part time, but I'm not making any rash decisions right now.
My biggest concerns are for his schooling because we found out this past week that the school system would have him start in the 9th grade because of how low he is on his academics and his learning disabilities. He currently attends a special school (private one on one tutoring school called Brightmont) where he has been doing math for over a year now. It's VERY expensive but I feel that they have the best options for our son right now. You can get people in-state to use a tax write off program and they can donate to the school and earmark it for your child to help get tuition covered, and they get the entire amount refunded to them directly on their taxes. I'm thinking of networking my *ss off to see about getting half the tuition covered through friends and allies alone. My mom also said she'd pitch in to help pay for tuition next year so that was nice of her to offer, too.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Jeepers, all kinds of boundary violations from your ex. I guess no surprise, but it's still pretty outrageous. And how does he know whether you've been having sex or not? Talk about none of his business! The very definition of divorce is that it's no longer any of his business!
It sounds as if your son is pretty self-aware about his dad's immaturity and inappropriateness. That's a big advantage.
So glad he's open to Al-Anon.
I know all the school stuff will get figured out, but the figuring out is a stress and a challenge. I hope things start coming together soon.
Just my 2 cents here. . . I am very grateful your son can be so honest with you, you certainly did something right that as a teen he puts his trust in you. I'm not sure how long you've been divorced but it sounds like your son maybe stepped in as the Man of the House. That would be fairly natural and the feeling of a new man in your life may change the family dynamic he is used too, he's pretty much acting as a teen. I am sure he is very protective of you. For me if my mother had brought a man she was serious about home (she never did) I would hope she would prepare me for what is to come. To reassure me, I wasn't being replaced or that I'd be any less loved than I was. I think proper preparation would be in order and I think a counselor could help you make that transition.
My heart sank when you spoke of your son being suicidal. Teen suicide is so very rampant in our society today, but again the good news is he trusted you with his feelings. My son happened to get into drugs when he was around 15. My husband and I aren't A's, our children didn't grow up in an A home. We went into parenthood determined to break the cycle. Did all the things we never had the chance to do with our parents, got very involved with school, sports, their friends etc.
What I didn't know or actually did not want to know was how sick our thinking was from us growing up with addiction, abuse, neglect etc. We had and passed on our rather poor thought processes to our kids. They also I am very sure they carry the addiction gene. As much as our son knew he was loved, we would always be his biggest supporters in what ever passion he chose. He never trusted us with his feelings. To this day I can't figure that out. I waited way to long to get here to alanon, but i can't go back and have a re-do.
Now that our son is an addict you've no idea how many times I've wished for a re-do.
I have to accept that I was not ready for alanon all those years ago, that when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I hit my own bottom and only then was i ready to accept i needed help. My actions at times were crazier than my son's.
Alanon, a simple program for complicated people. Boy was I complicated lol.
Also what I see as so very positive in your situation is your son is young, he's maybe not stuck in his own way just yet and open to his own recovery. Had I known back then what I know now our whole family would have been in recovery.
What I find appalling and destructive is your EX supplying your son with alcohol. That is not only illegal but sounds like your EX is looking for a drinking buddy. As stated above, I'd be revisiting visitation. If it was me (just IMO) I'd be documenting and reporting this to the police.
You sound like a very loving, caring Mom who wants only the best for your son. I think you have the courage to make those positive changes in his life!!
I don't want you to have more worry than you do, but Xeno pointed out some stuff that hit home for me. Your son does have genetics for alcoholism. He also has to Tourette's and anxiety that would lend itself to self medicating. So yes, giving him alcohol is really feeding a beast. He could use some real frank and open information on alcohol, alcoholism, his predisposition, how it makes depression worse (just look at dad) and how it might cause temporary relief of tics and help him with social anxiety, but how it generally retards maturity and emotional growth in the long run. Nobody really told me this stuff as a teen. Neither of my parents were alcoholic. My uncle was. I followed pretty closely in his footsteps without meaning to. I wish someone had taught me more about resilience and self-confidence as a teen also. It concerns me that he's getting a mysogonistic, helpless, defeatist outlook and that is truly the last thing he needs. I know your ex gets much of his moral platform from fox news, but seriously, there is a need to model handling adversity and not tossing values out the window in spite of life challenges. That is what addiction does. It erodes values and ensnares the addict in self bondage, self-pity, and self-righteous indignation. I hope you just keep assuring your son he is capable while also empowering him with knowledge. And I know the ex will probably see you educating him on alcoholism as throwing HIM under the bus and stopping him from "guy" stuff. Sucks.
Seriously speaking my X started trying to give the kids "margarita mix". My daughter is prone to anxiety. Thankfully the kids knew innately that it was wrong for him to do this and thankfully it was gross to them so they didn't drink it. However that being said I DID read the riot act to my X at the time and explained point blank right that second in no way was it appropriate for him to give the kids this kind of drink. When he wants or needs a drinking buddy he already has plenty to choose from he is absolutely NOT to go to the kids for this need to be fulfilled. This is child endangerment as far as I'm concerned it is abuse and it is not ok.
I"m soooo grateful that the kids have the option to leave visitation and your son is old enough that when he feels uncomfortable he can say it's time for me to go. Maybe he just needs permission to leave? My kids would flux until things got so bad there wasn't an option for their own mental health.
What the other posters have said is totally true .. it is NOT ok for an adult to give a kid alcohol. I know my kids have enough to deal with let alone having to be their dad's drinking party. The other thing that struck me is that I can't tell you how many RA's have shared that was how they started drinking .. it was a way for them to bond with their parent (usually dad) it was the only thing they had in common. It's so sad to me that the kids have to suffer more because of the lack of impulse control and selfishness that lends itself from the disease.
Of course then my XAH decided it was a good idea to leave the kids at home and go out and drink .. their brains are not ok and the thinking issue is huge there is no good judgment going on at all.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
