The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still living with insecurity and doubt, its a nightmare, sucking the joy out of joy. If someone doesn't text back quick enough Im like, what the hell is going on, do they not like me anymore, what does it mean?? Its driving me nuts. Also, what if they find out about my dysfunctional family and the abuse I put up with? what if Im still not good enough? Help me in my insanity please.xx
(((LC))) Seeing it is half the battle.When I find myself pulling in old destructive tools, I know it is time to repeat the serenity prayer, a slogan or simply remind myself of all my assets and that HP is in control It may take some time to work but it does work and is so much more rewarding than the old "ANTS" Your honesty and clarity are refreshing
Ypu are new at dating and building a new support system. Cut yourself some slack, but also watch your self talk. Force yourself to respond rationally and kindly to those negative thoughts. What if they see how awesome you are? What if they see how much love you have for your kids?
Thank you both, that helps. It seems Im completely nuts in this new situation especially now Ive met someone who I like and is healthy and so lovely and now im actually 'aff ma heid' as we say here.lol. Im back to step 1, im powerless , im going to use my slogans, let go and let God, I know a power greater than me has got this so its time for me to give it up and let it go and go with the flow as much as I can, get the focus back on me and take each experience as it comes. This has been such a steep learning curve. thank god for Alanon I can bring it into every part of my life.x
When this happens, I speak to myself as if I were my beloved sister. Of course the person you texted thinks you're brilliant - she just has an appointment all afternoon. For each soul-deflating thought that scampers between my ears, I can now counter it with a self-affirming response. I had to awkwardly practice this. It helped so much. Have fun with your new self. Not everything will be a smashing success, but they can all be adventures for your memory book. Mine are.
-- Edited by Jill on Thursday 9th of July 2015 11:58:53 AM
Dear LC congratulations on having the courage to pursue your dreams and a relationship.
There is a reading in the C2C that reminds us that by "letting go of self-will", we become patient and accepting.
This helped me tremendously when I was embarking on the dating scene. I must confess that HP, directed me to a very great relationship-- so trust the process .:)
When I have the old tapes playing in my head, I literally have to stop myself and replace them. As Betty says, prayer & meditation. If that is helpful but they creep back in, I often get busy. I get a bunch of gratitude from any type of service work and/or de-cluttering. I believe in the daily readers and I also believe in the power of positive affirmations. Lastly I have started reminded myself that my HP would not put me where I am if I was not to be here. Whether that's an uncomfortable position of that's an exciting position, I need to be still in the moment and collect the learning.
I own a home business and go to the post office daily. I just came from the last run of the day, and when I got out of my car in the lot, there was a gal who was speaking to another in her car. She was walking angrily towards the door still saying, "...and that's what I am mad about." I stood and held the door open for her with a smile as she finished her sentence, and she just looked at me. In she went and I followed.
We finished our business at the same time, and I did it again. For the second time, I ended up holding the door with a smile. This time, the look on her face softened, and she said, "Thank you."
Sometimes it's those small things that remind me that I can make a small difference just by doing something very simple. When I am irritated/agitated while waiting for an answer, I tend to tell myself it will happen or not, in God's time.
You are worthy, you are lovely and HP has you! Keep coming back - it's the we that keeps us all sane!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone, sanity came back after posting this. Im letting go of my tight grip, trying to control the whole thing. I think fear may come into this for me. Its like getting something good and not fully enjoying it because im holding on for dear life in case someone wants to take it away from me. lol. Its another interesting ism thats cropped up but at least ive got tools. I forgot that my higher power has this and so its useless trying to control and holding on so tightly. You folks are the best.x
I hear you elcee. Am i ready? Will i misjudge again? Can i trust my myself?
Will i get hurt again? Will i behave in a healthy Manner as things crop up?
Those would be the doubts i had if i was going into a new relationship.
Wow! Did I write this post? That describes me. This is basically the demon I deal with- those inner tapes of self-doubt and negativity. I always go to the worst case scenario and convince myself that something horrible is going to happen. My latest: my spouse and I got into a disagreement the other day, and we've been busy. And because we haven't talked, I have been assuming that she's cheating on me, or that our relationship is over, or that she's moving out...and on and on. Now it's no bed of roses with us right now, but she finally called me back after me calling and getting myself worked up on this end. It's crazy making! It's the one thing in my recovery that I'm starting to tackle, because it affects me in so many ways and in every aspect of my life. It's hurting key relationships right now, and the anxiety is affecting my health. So, it's important for me to work on. I like the ideas of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I've been looking for quotes and positive things to keep me from spiraling. I even made a positive thinking wall with quotes and positive sayings, Bible quotes, and more. I think the more I make these my mantras that eventually I can erase those old tapes. I constantly tell myself, "C'mon, what are you doing?" to myself. Of course, those are tapes that I heard growing up. It takes time to erase them out of your mind. I can share some of my quotes if you'd like. :)
__________________
Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Oh boy, does all this sound familiar. Ask Pink Chip about my insanity and my new dating experiences, LOL. I get it. I found that doing a lot of reading about love addiction and codependency in dating really helped me. Lots of articles on the internet.
I am still with the guy I've been dating for 3 months now and I still obsess over why he hasn't called or texted back, etc etc. Yet, every time I talk to him I feel that I'm healthier than I've ever been emotionally. He's normal (as in: no addiction issues or mental health issues) and I'm not used to dealing with NORMAL and HEALTHY people so I find that I'm constantly adjusting to my own insanity. I do a lot of negative 'what if' talking. I remember Jerry saying here once to then say, "What if NOT?"
Here's the thing, El Cee: We will get hurt again. That's just life. Love and life, dating or even friendships will bring us pain at some point, and some of it can be self inflicted as we learn to deal with ourselves and others. People are unreasonable, we are unreasonable, too at times. People are kind, and so are we, at times, etc. People are just people and so are we and sometimes things just don't work out. I stopped trying to control the outcome of my dating life and I am learning to turn it over to my HP every single day. There will always be doubts, but you'll never know unless you try.
I am using my dating experiences to learn more about myself. To give me a chance to chalk up new experiences and to say, "Hey, at least I tried." The hard part is when you start falling for someone new (like I am now) and trying to balance the obsessive thoughts and deciphering what is normal in my own thinking and what is codependent thinking and unhealthy.
Feel free to PM me anytime. I get it, really I do!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you andromeda. What is it with that pinkchip? Hes my wee confidante too. Hes soooo good, isnt he? Its good to know you habe been where i am, its like confirmation that im normal in a sick kind of way. I feel that this guy is here to teach me how to connect in a healthy way. For example, my obsessive compulsiveness means im trying to rush and hurry and he just wont play.lol. i feel like he detaches with love from me and ignores my craziness that just keeps leaking out. Its just what i need though. Hes showing me what healthy is, healthy space and boundaries, its like hes an alnon person practising first thing first and easy does it, whereas me, im like lets skip the gentle approach and go for this full throttle.lol. the thing is, if he did it my way i think i would be over it by now and i would instinctively know that he is not for me. Thanks so much everyone, it means a lot to get your feedback.x
