I really had to shake my head tonight and make a decision to do something differently. I'm not sure what or how, exactly, but...something.

There's this ridiculous dynamic of dishonesty and game-playing between my myself, my grandmother and my mother and it's so tiring.

Here's today's example. 

My dog had something wrong with his ear. I mentioned it to my mother because she is a dog-lover and she said, in a "tone" "Well you'd better take him to the vet right away then, hadn't you? THAT won't be cheap".  (She gave me a card with some cash in it for my birthday the day before and the implication was unmissable). I immediately wished I hadn't mentioned the dog to her.

Anyway I went and got an ear-wash for dogs to try before spending $150+ at the vet and thankfully it seemed to do the trick; happy dog is no longer shaking his head violently to one side like he is possessed or trying to scratch his ear off. Mission accomplished, no big vet bills, whew.

So my grandmother calls and demands to know what I am doing about the dogs ear (she's talked to my mother) but she wants to know for a different reason; she cannot abide people spending money on animals and wants to make sure I haven't done anything foolish like taking him to the vet. I tell her I took care of it myself and yes, dishonestly I imply that I in fact used "something I had lying around" because even saying I bought the ear-wash would merit an angry "you're a fool Melissa".

She also wants to know how much the trip I am planning with my daughter next November is and I tell her it's "not too much" and she grills me relentlessly saying "tell me. TELL ME" until I tell her and she tells me I am "ridiculous". Sigh.

Next up mum calls and wants to know have I taken the dog to the vet and when I tell her I got something that fixed the problem I then have to satisfy her requirements that it was a good quality properly certified veterinary product in a gold can with a platinum nozzle cut with diamonds that were mined from one of the moons of Jupiter..Then I think crap, now she'll tell my grandmother I bought something for the dog. Which was actually a $10 spray from the pet-care section of the supermarket but mother didn't need to know that...

She asks about the trip and when I tell her I've booked the cheapest airline (it's a 1 hour and 20 minute flight) she wants me to know that they don't serve meals on that airline and it's uncomfortable and from the sounds of things they whip the passengers and make them shovel coal into a big boiler which powers the engines. But oh well, it's only an hour and 20 minutes so I figure we can probably manage. 

Now the actual concerns they express to me don't upset me because in each of their ways they are just trying to pass on their wisdom and care; what's frustrating is the imperative to be dishonest. My mother ends about 80% of our conversations with "you'd better not tell your grandmother" or even offers me a script of what she would like me to say to her. 

Gah.

Any time there is an issue with my daughter she tells me not to tell my grandmother because "then she'll ask me about it". I am really starting to find this absurd (it used to just be normal). Like when daughter had her meltdown a few months ago and I took her to start counselling I was told not to tell my grandmother and when I told her recently that I had in fact mentioned it mother almost had a fit because "THANKS A LOT MELISSA NOW SHE'S GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT IT AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY???" She was really upset that I had somehow "dropped her in it" by discussing something that had nothing to do with her with my grandmother.

A couple of years ago my fridge broke down and I couldn't afford a new one so my mother ended up giving me an old one my grandmother had asked her to get rid of. I was given strict instruction NOT to tell her as she didn't want me to have it because it's from paleolithic times and needs defrosting every 5 minutes and this is not apparently something I am able to do. I believe my grandmother told her to give me a different fridge; I'm not sure what the story was exactly; I was just extremely grateful to have something to keep my food cold and didn't really care about the politics of it. Blah blah fast forward to a few days ago when my mother mentioned she was going to bring my Grandmother to visit me and what were we going to do about the fridge? She had this plan where I was meant to drape scarves and things over the fridge and cover it with pictures to disguise it and pretend it was my messy "decorating". Oh dear God. Really?

And these nonsense games used to be normal and make sense to me but now they don't. Like any time I discuss anything at all to do with my daughter, money, plans, anything really, they both caution me to "make sure your ex-husband doesn't find out" and come up with scenarios where he finds out (I'm talking about really inane stuff like picking her up from school early for a doctor appointment or if she hands in her homework late) and in these scenarios he takes custody of her and destroys my life and brings about the end of the world while he is at it. The funny part of this is that whenever my ex husband tries to boss me around they tell me to "tell him to *&^%" but when I don't express fear or concern about him they start coming up with these stupid scenarios. I don't see him as a threat anymore and it's just nutty. I think I mentioned a while ago that I told my mother I was going to have a bath and she told me I'd better not fall asleep in the bath and drown because then he would somehow "take all of my stuff". It's not logical and honestly it crosses way over the line of concern and becomes absurd fear-mongering.

And yes I'm having a bit of a laugh writing this out because it is absurd but I am also very interested in finding a way to move past it. My al-anon tools have helped me rebuild a lot of bridges with these amazing women and a lot of what they do and say makes so much more sense (whist making less sense) when I realise that each and every one of us has grown up with a heavily alcoholic and abusive father and gone on to marry alcoholic abusive men. And part of the coping skills seem to be keeping everything a secret, lying about everything because if anyone found out the "terrible truth" the consequences would be unthinkable... so I understand that all of this deceptive nonsense is about trying to keep us all safe from a whole bunch of exaggerated fears. It's a legacy I don't want and refuse to pass on the my daughter.

But I'm not afraid of my ex-husband, and I'm not afraid of my mother or my grandmother or anyone else for that matter. I'm also not afraid of anyone uncovering the "terrible truth" of me, my lifestyle, my parenting habits or anything else and these conversations are tiring. I'm all right, they are all right, there isn't a boogeyman waiting outside every door and enough with the cloak and dagger!!!!

At the same time I see how emeshed they are in their coping systems and it is for sure not my place to rattle their cages or demand that they do things my way. I value having a relationship with them and the daily chats, I just wish I could speak the truth and not have every word turned into a disaster scenario and being urged to fabricate a cover story for every little thing.

So today my mother was trying to give me a script "just say this and then this and then this, but what if they say this? No, wait, maybe we should say this...." and I grew impatient and said "how about we just speak the truth, Mum. It's probably going to be a lot easier to remember" and she seemed mortified. I project (yes, I project) that she will now decide that she "mustn't tell me anything because I might tell someone". Which is maybe for the best, IDK. 

Anyone else deal with these kinds of demented family dynamics?