Giraffe13, sounds like you have tried to be a supportive friend and I think you are doing

the honorable thing by letting him crash at your place till he gets things squared away.

The problem I see, is the chaos the alcoholic surrounds themselves in and ultimately

affects the people around them, meaning you.  Detachment would be a good exercise

for you until he moves on, just for your peace and serenity.  The boundaries you set, 

concerning his not drinking in your place are definitely appropriate and as far as all the

old problems from the past, that he is rehashing, seems to me that he trying to address

them maybe to smooth things over in order to stay permanently?  Hope you find your

peace and so sorry you are going through this difficult time with him there.  Please keep

coming back to talk.  

 

Hi Giraffe -

My hope is you are sleeping and the rest rejuvenates you. I too am looking forward to hearing what you are going to do for you and for fun for today!

I believe in redemption and second/third chances so do understand how he came back into your life. There is a part of me that tends to root for the underdog and hope I can affect a positive change in their lives. The issue I have is in realizing that they must 'want' to change and 'want' a better life....otherwise I am enabling and standing between them and their bottom.

Through working this program, the steps and inventorying what makes me tick, I've come to realize that when I care more about their future then they do, I'm headed back down my own rabbit hole. Two of my Qs are my sons, and it's really easy for me to get sucked back in and do for them that which they can do for themselves.

Like Betty says, go back to basics and see if focusing on you can bring you some peace during this time. Don't beat yourself up - learn, learn and learn more. We are all just miracles in progress - no perfection expected!

(((Hugs))) to you and prayers for peace and a better day!

Giraffe, part of not sticking with meetings is we fall back into our old state of mind. If you had a sponsor and were regularly attending meetings, what do you think the suggestion would be when you shared "I'm thinking of allowing my active alcoholic ex to live with me again. He drove me crazy before. Now he has no job....So I guess he should live with me" ???

No, I'm not saying this to chastise you or make you kick yourself while down already. Just pointing out we have a sickness too. And if left to our own devices and not relying on our fellow alanoners, we will go back to that stove and get burned repeatedly. If not him, it might be another alcoholic boyfriend.

So, here you are, obsessing about his insanity...again. The work to be done is yours...not his. You know he has issues that he probably will never deal with. You determined that a long time ago.

Forgive me if this all sounds too harsh. I think you must have a giant heart and I'm sure you mean well, but sugar coating is not going to help you. You stuck a roof over his head and sounds like you are trying to control and are getting angry again about his alcoholic personality which you already knew existed and invited right back into your life and your living space.

What caused that?

Please do not feel attacked or belittled by me. I do NOT mean this that way. Taking back an alcoholic ex isn't like you did something morally wrong or hurtful to the world. I am sure you are a good person. I don't mean for you to think you are bad in any way. Only for you to really start the change process and not have to hurt like this over and over again.

Hi hotrod! I missed you guys! beacheemom! lol. I heard it from someone else. haha. I think he will most likely just leave this week, I won't even have to ask him to leave. I am not sure which is worse at this point. I am down about it all.

Hey pink chip. No offense taken. I didn't want to get into the details of it b/c I didn't want to ramble in the post but the situation under which I took him in was not a typical bum situation or lack of a job. He does make a great living and works everyday. We live in an extremely expensive city and he had a rent controlled apartment. It is a long story and unrelated to the forum but he lost it due to a common reason many rent controlled tenants are losing housing right now in this area and it came quick within a week and he has already gotten a broker and is looking for a place. I too have gone through this when living here, and had a friends place to stay for a month. A rich friend with an extra bedroom luckily. We were on good terms at the time, and with no real issues. I was at a good place so I offered. I did not foresee him not coming home and any of this happening, bc we never lived together in the past and he was not drinking around me anymore. I hate the continual learning process of all of this.

Debb- It did cross my mind too he is trying to smooth things over and hoping to stay.

milkwood- I feel extremely rejected. This is my 1st time with the "not coming home" issue, or I'll suffer in silence over here.. Im hurting. But I think this is part of his misery and deep down he knows that there is always love there and he wants to do this to himself right now.

Reading all the posts here on this board really helped. He texted me today a general apology for how hard this is on "both of us", but no real attention to his fault in it that caused this to happen in the first place. I don't respond to those texts nowadays. I am too firm in my recovery that I know he knows his behavior is rotten and alcoholic. I don't need to squabble there. He went out after work for a client dinner and I did not answer him as to what I was going to do which made him feel "unwelcome' once more in my home and he did not come home tonight. I never asked where he was, hence I am posting here instead. I know he is playing the victim tonight wherever he is sleeping. Feeling sorry for himself. He loves to mope. I can't do anything about it, and I wish he would have taken responsibility for his behavior and talked to me in person tonight. That only happens 50% of the time. Tonight wasn't the night and it is a bit weird with his things here wondering where he is. My heart does hurt but I had to stand my ground on this & I don't have irrational guilt about initiating the conversation that exploded into this. It was valid, and a normal person would have never responded in the manner he did. I remind myself that a healthy person would be able to come home and discuss something that turned into a disagreement, and really *want* to do that, not just do it with disdain and then run away. We do make our own choices. Thank you all for reminding me of that.

Today I hung up new photos in my apt, cleaned, bought myself flowers, went to the gym, hung up drapes, planted in my garden, got a lot of work done, and spoke with the addictions specialist which helped a great deal. I was too late for the last al anon meeting unfortunately but went to a girlfriend's home to relax. I am not panicked or crying. Im okay. These posts helped me in 1 great way tonight - to refocus. When I read them I got the overwhelming feeling that this is just a night. Not the end of the world. I can go to bed, carry on, live life, and it will sort itself out one way or another. I don't have to fret over anything, or force solutions. Trying to remember that and I feel the warmth here tonight :) Thanks ! Will check back to read your posts.

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-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 9th of July 2015 12:56:25 AM