Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

trying hard to use my al-anon tools!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

BF I was unable to accomplish that blending- and stopped trying Just wanted to offer support and positive thoughts.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs BF, that sounds really difficult.
Blended or not, kids don't always get along with each other or behave respectfully. I wonder if it helps any to take the genetics/ relationhips out of the equation and just see his daughter as a rude 17 year old and give her no mind?
I for sure know what you mean about sucking at confrontation. Sometimes I think I need to take classes in it. (Not actually that bad an idea).

-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 6th of July 2015 09:52:48 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This stuff for me is always another test BF and I approach it with the question "what do I want to do with this ...if anything" then I go think about it. My personal slogan "Don't React" always comes up. When I don't react I pat myself on the back and then move on to the next requirement. (((((hugs))))) wink

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I like Jerry's solution, if both you and your boyfriend could not react right

away when these situations arise, just let the dust settle and see where

it goes, then maybe the solutions will present themselves when everyone

it not quite so upset. So sorry this happened to you. Wishing you a

peaceful outcome.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Breakingfree))) -

So sorry that you are hurt and upset by this. My AH had a daughter when we married, but she was already grown up and their relationship was very strained (at best). I did put forth the effort to 'blend' all of us and him with his own family (siblings & spouses), but quickly learned that was not a good use of my energy (sanity).

I too have no experience but wanted to offer you love and support. My brain went to....be grateful that she's just a mouthy confrontational 17 YO - by 17, both of mine were already active in addiction and trying to flunk out of HS. That may sound extreme, but my brain always looks for what's good about this situation and how it could be so much worse.

I will say that change is difficult for everyone. We (adults) are expected to know how to handle situations simply because of our age and wisdom. This is so not real for me and my world. I have had to sit my boys down and say that I am human and I don't know everything but I am willing to work on it. Kids don't view adults as 'humans'....we are either dumber than dirt or super-human.

Prayers and positive vibes coming your way! Trust your HP to lead you and all will be good - this I do know!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Breakingfree))) -

I typically check the board here and then pick up my dailies! I might need to switch the order, as the Courage to Change for today instantly reminded me of your post. It's a great read on conflicts, and gives tons of wisdom about our recovery and how we view/handle/react to them.

Just wanted to add this in case it's a tool that you don't see/use every day!

Hugs to you!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Breaking Free) AS IamHere points out today's reading in C2C speaks of conflict . It points out that when we enter Al-Anon we we begin to understand that disputes come up even when people are doing their best.

Obsessively reviewing everybody's behavior, focusing my attention where it doesn't belong, keeps me too busy to have any serenity. Instead I can consider the part I played and if I have made mistakes-- I can feel free to amend them.

Today we know that conflict is not necessarily an indication that someone is wrong. Difficulties may arise sometimes people just simply disagree.

And the thought for the day says. Today I accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incidents. Instead of pointing my fingers. I can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should.

Sometimes blame is just an excuse to keep busy, so that I don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness. The quote is from Josiah Holland." The mind grows and what it feeds on"

Good Luck

Nightingale · Veteran Member

(((BF))) To me it almost sounds like two separate issues. To the 17-year-old the issue is a seven-year-old that was getting on her nerves. Older ones tend to get annoyed by the younger ones that's normal. You can give her that. However the second issue is how she dealt with it. It's not all right for her to speak to you the way she did. I'm guessing you would not allow your children to speak to him in that way. It's a respect issue. Almost everything my teenage daughter says comes out sounding sarcastic and that's something I'm working with her to change. She doesn't always mean it that way but she needs to realize that she sounds to other people.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

First thing I would do if attempting a blended family situation and conflict arises is go to those who have been there and done that successfully! Did an internet search on blended family conflicts and there are 155,000 results. I've thought about the issue given that so many people out there are single with kids, you have to take the kids into consideration. I've thought that if I found myself in such a situation I would insist on family counseling to develop a plan for what to do when this sort of thing happens. Of course, family counseling is expensive so maybe if the communication is good enough between you and he, you could sit down at the computer and read stuff together and develop a simple plan based on the experiences of others and then relay the expectations to the kids.

AS far as being around a 17 year old goes - I believe there is a reason why they aren't born 17, we have to love them as babies and children so that we won't kill them in their teens! You haven't had the benefit of growing up to 17 with her, she's becoming her own queen bee and a hive cannot have two queens, lol.

deacon · Senior Member

Ah 17 year olds! They are a whole different breed are they not? Just entering the age of I know everything and you know nothing that lasts for several years if I remember correctly. And 7 year olds can be major pains with their whining and wanting to be the center of attention. Compound this with the fact that they are trying to figure out just how to co-exist with a step parent and you have a recipe for chaos. And , of course, both sets of kids bring their own fears into the mixture.

You say that your guy is very protective of his kids and it sounds as if you are of yours also. It is hard not to be but it is also a recipe for disaster. You can't expect them to love each other and close ties take a long time to develop. Especially with that age difference. I also think that both adults either need some counseling in how to deal with this or, if that is too expensive, there are tons of books on the subject of mingling step families. Personally I think if they just can interact civilly that should be all you can expect.

I know one big thing my husband and I did was to agree to a discipline plan and stick to it. For the most part, he disciplined his kids and I stayed out of it. Not saying I always agreed with his actions as he tended to be too hard on his boys and let his daughter run the show but ....if I objected it was quietly and well away from the kids. For the kids we presented a united front at all times.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for the ESH it has helped and the readings were right on like always! My 17 year old is so detached and quiet that yes the blatant disrespect from his daughter got to me. He didn't see or hear it and I don't want to start WW3 over it. I am still stewing a little bit over it, but am nursing my wounds and not reacting. I will end up letting it go and when I am not as emotional I will talk it over with the boyfriend. He really is a good man and I do love the fact his oldest daughter is not his through blood, but he manned up and adopted her when he married his ex-wife 16 years ago and totally took on the package deal. She can be a bit mouthy and opinionated, which is normal teenage behavior, but he is usually good at nipping it in the bud, just my 17 year old is quiet and introverted and gets along with everyone. I talked with my oldest about our weekend and she had a great outlook on it, she said they both will be gone to college in a year and I should be looking to the bigger picture. She is wise beyond her years! My boyfriend is a great man in every way and of course we both are protective of our children which can be good and bad, but I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. Now to let it go and detach from this without further stewing! Thanks all!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Perhaps also remember to QTIP - you can't take anything some teenagers say personally! Let them experience real life, real hardship - then we'll talk! My older daughter hasn't really experienced any really bad stuff in life and she still at 34 condemns some of the things in my life and I don't JADE any of it. Some day, as I did with MY mother, hopefully we will have some talks where she finally asks, listens and HEARS what I have to say. I learned a lot about my mother in those conversations! Focus on what you can do - you can continue to build a successful relationship with her father and stand true and honest to yourself. Rodney would say to remember - how important is it? Let go for you, for your serenity.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry, no experience with that one. All I can say is this will pass. The kids will grow, leave, get on with their own lives. I like what Hotrod said, let it go, the blended family thing, is it really necessary? or is it another ideal we keep locked in our minds and its an unrealistic expectation? Im not sure.x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Breakingfree wrote:
I talked with my oldest about our weekend and she had a great outlook on it, she said they both will be gone to college in a year and I should be looking to the bigger picture. She is wise beyond her years! My boyfriend is a great man in every way and of course we both are protective of our children which can be good and bad, but I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. Now to let it go and detach from this without further stewing! Thanks all!

Hi Breakingfree, Just wanted to say that I smiled from cheek to cheek when I read this! I'm not surprised that your oldest has such wisdom, seems to me she comes from good stock!!

PS I'm remembering how silly I could be at 17 and just love Likemyheart's comment about why we aren't born as 17 year olds!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene