The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before my RAH started his inpatient addiction recovery program last month, his idea of staying dry was going to stay with a friend who does not drink (not sure if this friend is a recovering alcoholic or just decided to stop drinking but did not actually have a dependence on alcohol?) in another state across the country for 30 days. His "plan" was to detox for 3-5 days in the inpatient facility and hightail it out of New Jersey to live in a cabin in the remote wilderness for a month. Meanwhile, I would be left to work, care for the house, children and 4 dogs alone. Not much different than what I've been doing although I have to admit my husband did take care of the dogs and cut the grass, did repairs, etc. Our house is also on the market because we can't afford the mortgage with only my income which adds to the stress.
So....His mother and cousin chipped in and bought him the roundtrip plane ticket for $571. I did not have the money for his "vacation" as I call it and told everyone I did not agree with anything but professional help for him. Him staying in this cabin with this guy was not professional help in my opinion. He convinced them this was his "therapy." They said they were only trying to help and wanted to "fix" him and were easily manipulated. My 15 year old son was very upset over his dad leaving on a fishing trip in the wilderness considering he had been MIA from our lives for so long because of the alcohol. We do not get to take vacations as there is no money for that. So we thought how unfair is this that he gets to go on this trip?
Fast forward to inpatient program: RAH changed his mind and decided to stay for the whole 2-week program. He was doing very well according to his counselor and participating in group, etc. She advised him against the trip and instead to attend intensive outpatient therapy for a month which he is doing now. They wrote him a doctor's note to postpone the trip as they recommended against air travel at this time. I told him how I felt and said I was worried about him getting on a plane after only a couple weeks sober and easily ordering a drink. But then again my pride tells me that if someone doesn't want to be here who am I to make them stay?
So two days after he gets home from inpatient he brings up the trip again. I started to cry. I said how selfish can you be to bring this up now? He said Oh I guess this is bad timing! He is concerned because his family paid for the ticket and it must be used within a year. I feel like he should want to take us on a vacation but the ticket of course is only for him. He said he just wants to see this place before he dies. I said there are many places I want to see as well!
My question is what do I do when this comes up again as it most definitely will? Do I just say go ahead do whatever you want and I will be waiting here like some puppy dog for when you get back? I told him it's not going to sit well with me. Maybe 7 days at the most but him leaving for a month makes me feel like a doormat all over again. It's been weighing heavily on my mind. He talks of trying to get some work out there and sending money home. But I feel he can look for a job here. I'm torn. He's also attending AA meetings every day in our town and I doubt there are any in this remote area of the country.
It sounds like this is a really stressful time for you, with or without him!
I am looking forward to my AW being away from home for a while (either in jail or on electronic monitoring, which cannot happen at our place, because of the county lines, etc.) I, too, have four dogs (and four cats), but no children. I have worked at least two jobs for the past several years, just graduated, and she has been unemployed for over two years now. I think that, this early in her recovery and mine, I could really do with some space and time to figure myself out. I think she could benefit from the same. I hope that some distance will give us the perspective we both need to move forward as healthy individuals.
I hope that taking things one day at a time helps make things more manageable for you. I have been there (not being able to afford rent, deciding to keep the house at 58 all winter because I cannot afford the heating bill, etc.) and I know how stressful it can be.
Sending you my support and (((hugs)))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks for the reply Skorpi. I never really thought of it that way--as gaining some time to figure myself out. That may be a good idea. I guess I care too much about what people will think. Like Jeez he's deserting her and she just puts up with it. It just seems like the selfishness of this disease is always there no matter what. And my goodness I've been working two jobs to support the family for years and who buys me a plane ticket to go someplace nice? NOBODY! This may be a good time to learn that you can't count on anyone but yourself. Your signature line makes a lot of sense. (((HUGS)))
I would find this very difficult to stomach as well.
But you ask whether you should say do what you want while you wait like a puppy...does it have to be one or the other? It sounds like he's trying very hard to convince himself it isn't selfish for him to do this as he will "get work and send money home" which I am guessing is pretty unrealistic. Sort of sounds like a crock of selfish alcoholic nonsense really.
I believe if I was in a similar situation I would tell him clearly and calmly that I do not support his wish to go on a self-indulgent vacation at such a difficult time and after stating my position, not discuss it with him any further. I say that because I know that my A would want to talk and talk and twist it around in circles until I was completely confused and feeling guilty and then take the trip anyway and probably accuse me of trying to ruin it for him! I don't know if that is likely for you, it's just what your description brings to my mind to me.
Assuming he takes the trip (which he obviously wants to do)- what can you do other than sit and wait compliantly? Is it possible that you can pour all of your own resources into something just for you? I understand you are the sole provider and it's very hard but when I was in a similar position with my A I did find some ways to stand up and start giving to myself and child. Even if he does take the trip, you don't have to sit and suffer. Is there anything that you can do to affirm for yourself that you have value and you deserve nice things and experiences too? I mean along the lines of planning a trip that is just for you, making a savings fund for it, or doing up a room of the house just for you (that's what I did, on a very limited budget but I put my time and love into it).
I don't know if any of those things are possible, but I know I would find just working and struggling while he went on a holiday under the guise of "recovery" very difficult. I would find it much easier to do if I too was placing myself first and taking very good care of myself at the same time.
Just my thoughts; take what you like and leave the rest!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Missmeliss, I feel exactly as you stated: It's a crock of alcoholic nonsense. Since he has been through an inpatient program and currently in outpatient therapy and AA meetings, his feelings have certainly changed somewhat. But the reality is this plane ticket is still waiting and his friend keeps calling asking when he's coming for the visit.
That is the way we left it. A few days ago I told him I didn't agree with the vacation and it wasn't going to sit well with me period. We have not discussed it since. I guess I just want to prepare myself and not freak out when it comes up again. I wish I didn't care but I do. I feel so taken advantage of already. This was just the icing on the cake.
My daughter has been asking to paint her bedroom a different color. I suppose that is something we could do together just me and the kids. And just make sure I take care of myself and hang out with friends and family as much as possible. There really is nothing I can do to stop him from going.
Reading your 3rd post it looks like you've come to terms with his decision. You aren't hinging your happiness on him. You have a plan for while he's away. It sounds like a fun plan to me. I'm not telling you what to do but one thing that is more of a possibility with him gone is going to as many Alanon meetings as you'd like and out afterwards with people from the program for fellowship. A person can grow to like that ME time with friends in the program. :) I hope you enjoy every moment while he's away. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
tiredtonight, that is the key--not hinging my happiness on him. I find that is the hardest part of this journey. I'm learning. Slowly but surely. (((HUGS)))
I am one who has discovered that if I restrict any of my A(s) from doing what they want when they want, they make me pay.....in one way or another. Either they act like restricted teens/pre-teens or they are so mopey/miserable that I wish they had gone anyways....
So - I try to remove the emotion, examine my motives and then respond as nicely as possible. In this situation, the ticket has been purchased and must be used within a year - FACT. It appears that there is another enabling system in place, which you have no control over.
Speaking as one who's a double-winner, if he's truly trying to work a program, he may feel guilty about manipulating that ticket and wants to use it to 'be clear' of the reminder. Who knows, but that is a possibility.
In either case, there is a ticket and it appears to need to be used. He's got other enablers beyond you. He's an alcoholic and if he wants to drink, he will drink. Restrictions of travel, money, car, etc. will not stop someone who wants to drink/use. Mine have always found a way.
Remember that this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. He will do what he's drawn to do - either recover or relapse. What's most important and I hear all the time from my sponsor is ... what are you going to do? I used to have a different answer based on what they did (I have 3 A(s)). I now have an answer that is based on me, and what I need and want to do for my program, my life and my sanity.
This disease tends to pull me towards reacting to what others do, think, say, etc. The program teaches me how to act, do, think, say, etc. in spite of what others are doing. In my home, I was ultimately responsible for everything any way. Yes, my AH does some things some of the time, but reliably and consistently? Not so much. Often it was like having another child living in the home instead of a partner. So, now I make a plan and go forward no matter what others are doing or not doing.
It's changed things here. As I am more confident and more peaceful, I've actually had a few offers of help from my AH and one of my A Sons. The program is miraculous that way because I can't explain it. Keep working your program and pray for guidance and I am certain you will have the answers when it's time to discuss again!
(((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere. Yes it most certainly is a fact that the ticket was purchased and must be used. At one point when he saw how upset I was he said take the ticket and go see your girlfriend in Arizona. For one I would not feel right doing that and leaving my family when my poor kids don't even go on vacations themselves. For another thing his family purchased that ticket for him. And yes, I felt it was enabling. What he wants he gets. I will take your advice and pray that HP leads me to the right path. I have to believe everything will fall into place. I just hate feeling like a doormat. I do have to say he is most definitely working his program. I see a big difference in him this time. And I think you may be right that he feels obligated to use the ticket. I just wish they weren't so quick to purchase it in the first place especially knowing how I felt about the situation. But it's over and done with. I guess I shouldn't waste time dwelling on something that is out of my control.
Rosanne - I fully understand the 'doormat' feeling. As we learn in this program and gain personal strength, many of these situations are easier to deal with. Just hang tight, stay in the moment and do something kind for you - even if it's just a walk or a bath. We're here for you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I didn't go anywhere for like 7 months into my sobriety and even then, I planned ahead where i would attend meetings and called my sponsor daily.. Traveling to a remote place with no meetings sounds asinine and like a plan for relapse. Sorry. I call it like I see it. I wonder if your husband has a sponsor. Cant imagine them signing off on such a reckless choice. This is time that you both should be working intense recovery. It's not time to run away. He would be better to do it at closer to a year sober or not at all. He is spending a lot of time and money on treatment also to just throw it away and act like a selfish Don Quixote. He may not see relapse written all over it, but I do.
I know this (my response) was focused on the A and alanon is not supposed to be focused on the A, but it is just such an awful plan. Early recovery is for meetings, meetings, more meetings, stepwork, following a sponsor's suggestions, getting in the middle of AA....not running off with a still sick mind.
If he insists, you are left with alanon tools to detach. I don't suggest trying to control him, but communication still needs to happen in your marriage for it to work. I can see saying something like " I really think it is not wise for your recovery but it's your choice."
Pinkchip, this trip was an idea of his before he stopped drinking. His family thought this was a way to get him to go to detox inpatient treatment if they agreed to buy this plane ticket. They didn't care what his wife or kids thought. They just wanted to try anything to get him well as he was literally committing slow suicide. I totally agree the idea is asinine. And I can definitely appreciate your A viewpoint. He does have a sponsor. He got the sponsor within an hour after leaving the inpatient program. I don't know if he's discussed the trip with his sponsor or not. I also think it would be better to go after he has many months of sobriety under his belt if he had to go at all. My feeling is why should you get to go on a fun trip after your family suffered emotionally and financially for so many years? I like your advice on what to say when the time comes that bottom line it's his choice. Thank you so much. (((HUGS))) to all of you!
