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Well this has turned out to be a pretty melancholy weekend for me.
Yesterday I took daughter to her fathers where she will stay for the next 5 days and visited my mother and grandmother which was nice. I love my grandmother dearly and she has very strong opinions about many topics that she likes to present very forcefully. So it is an excellent opportunity for me to detach with love, lol! I'm always grateful for opportunities to sit down with her as she lives a long way from me and I only see her a few times a year. Although I really prefer it when we talk about gardening or art or food where I can actually engage in the conversation and not politics, religion or what everyone else is doing wrong, where I can really only nod, grimace and say "perhaps you are right" through gritted teeth. Anyway that part of the day was nice and my mother and I had some pleasant chats in the car. It was good of her to spend the day running us around her side of town and she brought a lovely lunch for us all to enjoy at my gran's house. Grateful for Mum!!
A called me on my way home and wanted to see me. I decided this was the best time for it as daughter is away and I have not seen him for about 10 weeks. We talk every few days and aside from one really dreadful drunken call last week he has seemed so well and positive, going to school, paying off debts, paying off ME, and supposedly "only drinking one bottle of wine each fortnight on pay day" and not smoking. Not that it's my business what he does mind you, it has just seemed he has been very positive and productive and he's been very respectful and considerate towards me on the whole. Anyway I wanted to see him in the flesh and hopefully talk and see how I actually feel as this "internet romance" we have been having is becoming a bit of a exercise in avoidance I think. I started to write a bunch of justifications here but I am deleting them. I wanted to see him and he wanted to see me so I suggested he meet me on the train that evening and he did.
Sigh, he looks really good. When we last lived together he looked like a homeless Wookie. Now he is clean shaven and dressed in clean clothes without holes or rips, his eyes are bright and his skin is no longer an alarming shade of yellow. That's gotta be a good sign, the optimist within me insists. He must be taking care of himself and his liver must surely be healing for his skin to be a healthy human colour again, right?? Right???
But on the down side his breath absolutely reeked of wine although he didn't seem intoxicated and the moment I saw him I could feel resentment radiating from him. It strikes me as amazing that I have had to put a couple of years of work into starting to feel and allow my own emotions without fear or disgust yet I fancy I can accurately detect his emotional state simply by being within a few yards of him for a few moments. Anyway he insisted nothing was wrong but his eyes were full of accusations. When we got to the station and got in my car he wanted to go to the shop, of course to buy wine and cigarettes, I bought food to cook and when it was time to pay he was short for his wine and cigarettes and out it came- I should be happy to pay the difference as he had to spend $4 on a train ticket to come and visit me. I guess since I always finance his travel he was outraged that I hadn't offered this time and that was the source of resentment no. 1
Anyway I whatevered that one, and then I whatevered it when I cooked him a meal (Pork cutlets and veggies. I am a vegetarian so it was an icky thing I made just for him) and he grunted and said it was "OK, he would have preferred a pork sandwich". Whatever!! And then he lay down on the couch and insisted I put on a stupid boys movie I didn't want to watch and he started to snore. So I got up and he was outraged that I "didn't want to spend time with him" and that it didn't matter if he was sleeping, we would still be "together". LOL. Nothing changes much huh? His "together time" always consisted of him demanding I watch a stupid movie I didn't want to watch while he slept in a chair in the same room. So bizarre! Why would I want to do that? I'll never understand. Imagine if I put on a girly movie and told him I expected him to sit and watch it while I slept? He wouldn't even dream of complying; he would say I was insane.
Anyway today was more of the same complete with another trip to the shop to buy more wine, a lot of criticism of my driving, and criticism and accusations in general. It made me feel so very sad. Because I have missed him (nicer, happier him), and I really don't think he has a clue how negative and draining his attitude is. It seems to me (and yes I am guessing at motives) that he believes he can guilt me into taking him back perhaps. OR he is satisfied with life at his brothers but wants to be sure I feel guilty and wrong anyway. Or who knows really, probably not even him. On one hand all he wants to talk about is how horrible it is not living together and yet he seemed to be trying his hardest to make me feel like crap....which does not make me fancy living together!! But isn't it just so very typical of my illness in action to be trying to understand and analyse his motivations and desires. I must cease and desist.
Anyway he drank 3 bottles of red wine and was petulant and sulky and I suggested he go home tonight rather than sleep here again and have to leave at the crack of dawn to get to his class tomorrow so he first accused me of hating him (I believe he accused me of hating him 10 or more times during the 25 hours we spent together) and then cried for a short while about how he hates being apart, he hates having to leave, he hates it that we aren't together and the whole living apart thing just generally sucks more than he can bare. Then he was up and full of accusations again and out the door he went taking my backpack instead of his own. My backpack which I bought 3 days ago, and which contains a small fortune in cosmetics. It's also small and pink and has palm trees on it. He left behind his backpack which is filled with his school work and clothing and is big and black and features a giant angry skull with worms coming out of its eyes. They are indistinguishable from each other, really....
Anyway I am not expecting anyone to applaud my choices here or anything, I just needed to write it down and decompress a little bit because I'm a little surprised by the amount of emotion my oh-so-detached little self is feeling about it all tonight..
The things that stick out in my mind are, firstly, he guzzled 3 bottles of red wine and barely seemed drunk. He was a little bit unreasonable but if I hadn't seen him drink it with my own eyes I would have assumed he had only had a few drinks, maybe half a bottle at most. So this tells me that he is quite possibly drinking so consistently that it no longer has an obvious effect. He was like that in the early years; constantly drunk but without obvious signs. It matters that I recognise this because it is so, so easy for me to imagine "everything is better now" and he has seemed so well and so kind and reasonable over the past few months that I suppose I was holding on to some hope again and thinking "maybe". I was honestly buying the "barely drinking" story. And I am of course guessing but it seems to me unusual for someone who has not been drinking more than a bottle of wine a fortnight to be able to drink 3 bottles in an afternoon and show no signs of impairment. I would be completely incoherent and very sick if I drank that much in one sitting.
Anyway I feel sad; I can see he is miserable and in pain. But I also see the effect it has on me and so quickly too. All of the negative comments and accusations chipped away at me. We sat outside for a time talking, about seemingly light-hearted things yet he kept throwing in negative comments and every time I spoke he would cut me off or ridicule and dispute my words until I felt this physical moment when I suddenly just shut down inside and went numb. It was so surreal to observe myself do that after 9 months of feeling "alive" and to realise that I used to walk around like that all the time, switched off and numb inside so that nothing could hurt me. It frightened me to feel that way again. And of course once I switched off and stopped trying to engage and be positive and happy it was all about how I was "grumpy" and "he came all this way and I didn't even want to see him". Oh, all so familiar. "How can I keep knocking you down if you won't stand up, Mel? You aren't playing fair! Now get back up and start trying to be cheery again so I can dismiss you and talk over you. You're ruining my diatribe".
And yet there were a few hours this morning where everything was wonderful and warm and fuzzy and he was sweet and I was happy. Just enough to make me yearn for those times and wish they could be the reality. It's been a long time now since I was close to him and I am glad we had that small window of time this morning before he picked up a bottle, and glad that I can observe myself now with calmer, more logical eyes and see the hollow, sad person I become after just a single afternoon of trying to be the Drunk Whisperer.
So that was Sunday and now it's done. Time to dust myself off, ask HP for help out of this little ditch I have dug for myself and do the next right thing, and then the next.
Thanks for listening.
(((Everyone)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 5th of July 2015 01:35:54 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
HA! "Drunk Whisperer". Let me know when you get a show on Lifetime network! I want to see how you do it.
((((Mel)))), you need to print this out and hang it by your door and put it by your phone. You deserve better; you've earned better with your deep introspection and determination.
You can be your own warm fuzzy and choose to leave the cold prickly alone.
I had a hard time with a holiday alone last night, but I made the best of it, worked through it and survived it and it was the best choice. Once I decided that since I was the only one there I better treat myself like someone I wanted to hang out with, everything was ok. I didn't let myself treat me like my A treats me just because she wasn't home to do it!
Sounds confusing mel. I do suspect he is on better behavior and drinks less at his brother's. I also suspect that he may miss you and want to be with you, but he is still a sick alcoholic and his disease wants that too. The disease wants caretaker mel, video games, and booze....not to grow up and show up for life. It is sad. As long as he's not really in recovery, he will always be prone to slide back into that...and along with that, you will get pulled back towards your old patterns too if not careful.
During our separation before our divorce, we were both supposed to be trying; I stuck my hand (and heart) on the stove a few times and each time reminded me why he couldn't come back to living with me unless things changed; I was working through it, figuring things out and changing while he was simply biding his time, waiting for me to "get over it" and let things go back to "normal" and we'd pick up where he left off.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Yes, I've been there. You are living my history. When you were talking about who selects the movie etc, I was reminded there was a time with my AH when I told a co-worker I could never (yes I said this) see a live play again because my husband didn't enjoy them. WHAT? Life gets so much better. So much. My HP shook her head at that one, injected a dose of spine into me and sent me to AlAnon. I grabbed it as if survival was an issue. As if. Before that though, I kept going back for more until it finally became unpalatable. And I've seen that happen in other couples who separate. Some of us have more tolerance for the bad taste. I decided no that's not worth it.
Don't beat yourself up about wanting the good him. Many do. Then we observe the good times person is eclipsed by the other.
Good job on getting your Sunday evening to yourself. Enjoy your time with you.
So very sorry things went different than desired. I see tons of growth in how you 'saw' the weekend and 'are learning' from it too.
One of the first things that popped into my head was progress, not perfection. I am not one to suggest you not put your toes in the waters - you all have history together. With each event, you learn more and more about yourself, what you want, what you don't want, etc. So, getting healthy and seeing the A - call it an experiment and do as you suggested - Trust God and move forward.
One of the hardest 'Aha' moments for me is when I realized that I was getting better and setting goals again and moving forward. Alone. It made me sad for a minute, and not much longer because even though I wanted the company of those I love with me on the forward journey, what I wanted is what I thought they could/should be. Not what they are/have been.
I came to the conclusion that I would rather have no relationship with the three of them that have what was present when I arrived. So, I detach, learn, love and work on me. If I outgrow them, that's OK as their journey is separate from mine.
Hang in there and know we are only a post away! (((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I guess there were no real surprises. Really it just reinforces what I already knew, which is that I am on a better path now and my decisions, however painful, are generally sound and healthy. Like, he took great pains to condemn my crappy house. I didn't take it personally because I know he wants me to see how sensible it would be to split the rent on a nicer place again. But I know my decision to live here in spite of it being uncomfortable and somewhat depressing is the right one because I am free to live here unencumbered by someone else's negativity and anger. Within that freedom I am making great leaps forward career-wise and health-wise and on the horizon is a nicer home and lifestyle that does not require me to compromise my serenity or "switch off my emotions" just to cope with my own home environment. It's not the easy option, but it's the right decision. Well that's just one example but generally speaking, without the emotional turmoil of living side by side with him I am able to trust my own judgement and make better choices and see them through. There's no way I am giving that up just for convenience or the occasional warm fuzzy Sunday morning in bed. I don't want to go back to being a sad little zombie.
I do so wish he hadn't absquatulated with my back-pack. You know, for the past 4 years or so I had become so morose and lifeless that I had not worn makeup or purchased new clothing at all. Purchasing some nice cosmetics and taking the time to use them each day was kind of a part of my new "I matter" routine. I'm not sure if I will get them back now; I don't even think the pocket they were in was zipped up so there's a good chance they will all have fallen out on his way home. It's a bit disappointing; they were horrendously expensive.
Gah.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 5th of July 2015 03:35:02 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Dear Ms. M I so admire your clarity and honesty and your ability to love and be vulnerable. I'm sorry the time, shared worked out as it did, but as has been said, it may have been necessary for you to once again touch the hot stove to understand why you need to keep the focus on yourself.
Love how you had purchased a new backpack and makeup and are using it. That is a sure sign of recovery. I will pray that you get them both back and that you will continue on this difficult recovery journey that we share.
One day at a time, trusting HP, my life did get better and so will yours.
It truly is a process and sometimes a difficult one
Well in the end I enjoyed my Sunday night alone; got some work done and listened to an interesting radio show. You know one of the very great gifts of al-anon for me has been the obligation I have placed upon myself to learn what I actually enjoy doing and make it a part of my life (as opposed to constantly doing what I do not enjoy in the twisted hope that this will somehow yield me some kind of trophy at the end-of-life martyr awards). Jill's "never seeing live theatre again" sounds very familiar. Do you know I actually stopped writing for years because "what's the point when A doesn't read and will never think anything of it". Ridiculous. Anyway I am very pleased and grateful that I am able to move on to "the next right thing" now where old me would have sat stewing and projecting about the whole experience for the rest of the night.
A called me just before to apologise for his crappy behaviour. He did assure me that the bag was thoroughly zipped up and had been treated with care and would be dropped off to me tomorrow. Also that he had left his work gloves in his bag and that he had to dig ditches today and had contemplated wearing the dainty leopard print gloves he found in my bag for the occasion. That gave me a good giggle.
So, onwards.
I wonder if I should have an image of a hot stove tattooed on my forearm to remind me in future?
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
YES! Bag will be returned! (we hope!) Glad you found some enjoyment. It's 3:00 am here and I'm working, but I actually enjoy my work and I get some of the best work done in the middle of the night. Keep searching for those things you enjoy. I hope you find a lot of them.
I too had to laugh @ the thought of your A digging ditches with lovely leopard print gloves on his hands.....that's funny and it sounds like he's got a sense of humor. Yay for you that he apologized too - that doesn't always happen so it tells me your boundary and self-love are working well - he's got a new level of respect for you!!! Rightly so.
I too will pray that all is returned as it left your home and hope you have a super day!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
AS far as tattooing a hot stove to a forehead - what has been suggested is to imagine the words SICK SICK SICK across the forehead of those A's that are in our lives. Works for me.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
AS far as tattooing a hot stove to a forehead - what has been suggested is to imagine the words SICK SICK SICK across the forehead of those A's that are in our lives. Works for me.
Love this likemyheart - so, so, so helpful!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So glad you were reminded about that hot stove it took my hands and heart a very long time to want something less scarring, but thanks to al- anon it finally did happen. I'm glad you're writing and realizing you're great worth!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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