The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On Tuesday of this week, a 22 year old young mother of one was shot and killed in a nearby city. She was a classmate of my sons, and has had her own struggles with the disease.
The last time I saw her, she had brought my son home from a meeting. Now, she is dead, her parents are devastated and this has thrown me back into the worry mode as well as brought about incredible sadness.
We all read and discuss the fatality of this disease. I've spent time with my sponsor even discussing how that 'step' would affect me as it's a real possibility with this disease and 3 As. But, I guess I truly never thought about someone getting shot/killed as their 'final bottom' or final step.
She was set to go to a long term treatment facility on Wednesday. Her child grows up now without a mother. The funeral is Sunday and I would rather not go, but that's not how life works.
My son is sad and not sure what he should do. He is also very angry, and it's been directed at me a few times (so glad he doesn't live here). It's a really tough situation...and I am very angry at the disease tonight....and so very sad for these parents.
I do not know them well, so do not know if they have a program or not. The daughter had been to treatment a few times, so I am sure they were exposed to resources. I guess I am looking for any ESH on going to a visitation/funeral for someone who's been murdered. This is a bit new for me....what do I say? Is there anything I can do program wise?
My sponsor is in ATL for the World Conf, so I'm starting here for ESH. TIA!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so very sorry to hear of the terrible loss of this young Mother. I will pray for her family and you Iamhere.
I do believe that regardless of the cause of the loss, just going to the service and offering your support is all that is necessary. Prayers are always welcomed.
I am so sorry for this loss as well; this is truly a wretched and deadly disease. My heart goes out to those closest to her, especially for her baby and parents. I am also sorry for your son and the stress you are experiencing. It will surely be very difficult to attend the services, but it means a great deal to the family, at least it did for mine when we lost my mother seven years ago. To this day I remember the faces of the people who came to the services, as they brought some measure of solace at a very sad time. The circumstances here are even more saddening. However, I agree that you can show support in many ways, such as prayers or a card. I am sure whichever avenue you decide works best for your own well being will be appreciated by her family.
Under the circumstances this is truly sad...more tragic. I've know others who suffered tragic losses under the weight of the disease and what did I say?...not much. I took my higher power and hugs just like want I take to the meetings and then I am quiet cause for me quiet understanding is best. If they are open to listening to some of your ESH give some of it and if you care to break your own anonymity as a member of Al-Anon that might work too. Sad for your sense of loss also. In support (((((hugs)))))
Thanks all....I am grateful for each of you and for having a program where I can share the burden of loss and grief.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There have been many losses in the recovery world and every person is always welcome most do not know how or in what way that the deceased has touched other people.
It is so much more comforting to live in a world where this only happens to straight up strangers. There is no commonality or acquaintance variable.
I hope you find comfort in what Betty said about providing service and prayers, it is completely appropriate to grieve in your own way and give comfort to those who have suffered a loss such as this, especially since it was so tragic.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Today is the service and I am in a better place - my HP has given me peace enough to show up and be of service by celebrating this young girl's life.
Please keep the family in your prayers - there is some gossip about a possible arrest coming soon - my hope and prayer for them is that they are comforted by God's grace and given the strength to get through all of this.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Betty and Debb - I am attending with a young girl who lived with her in an Oxford House a few years back.
We played softball today and I had decided to check and see if she was going. She was and was like me - not wanting to. So we jointly decided that together we can do it.
Service is @ 6pm our time - taking my HP with me....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am home and I am so glad it is over. It was a lovely lovely service. The pastor discussed the disease, the choices, the tragedy and made sure everyone knew there was a different way. I think he's read out steps and program as his message was very recovery centered - asking for HP to lead us each day and then pausing to listen to do the next right thing...
It was very sad, very large and very lovely.
Thanks to all for your support - it means a ton to me...
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((( IamHere ))) I wouldn't even know where to start in speaking to parents who've lost their child to this disease or any other way. As my son is an A, I was told early on in my own recovery that A's end up 3 ways. . . In Recovery, In Jail or Dead. My son who doesn't believe he needs recovery has already OD'd several times and spent lots of time in Jail. These are clearly not his bottom. So I spent more hours, days, weeks thinking of how our family would survive without him. No parent should out live their child. I have ran the scenario of planning my son's funeral in my head a thousand times until I learned (and keep learning) how to live in the present, the here and now.
My husband and I had a very good friend some 20 years ago. We worked with him, we partied with him. Both of us growing up in Alcoholic, Dysfunctional homes his disease wasn't new to us. We couldn't see our contribution to it. Our friend was going through a divorce, had moved back in with his parents. He got drunk one nite and was brought to his parents house by a couple friends. His parents turned them all away. I would guess now they were alanoner's and upholding their boundaries.
His buddies took him to their house and laid him on a bed or couch to sleep it off. Unfortunately his days of sleeping it off came to an end. He died that nite.
We went to the funeral, so many people there to say good bye to him. People he felt in his life that didn't love or understand him. Or maybe he felt undeserving of their love.
We saw his parents from afar, what caught our attention the most were his 2 little girls. We could relate to those little girls, we were little once but we didn't have to lose a parent at that point. So we went up to his little girls, gave them a hug and told them how much their daddy loved them. I prayed so hard they truly believed that.
After that day we looked very hard at our part in all that. We had no power to ever make our friend not drink but in looking at our baby we sure had the power to make sure we didn't speed up our own demise.
Both our children have had and lost friends or classmates to this disease, I wish I had already found Alanon before that happened.
I had a co worker who lost her child, not by this disease but a car accident. It was the most gut wrenching time I remember it like it was yesterday. I had no words for my co worker, only a hug. I am not sure there are adequate words for parents who lose their child by any means. I can't think of any that would ease my pain if I lost a child but what I would remember would be the people who came to honor my child one last time. That would be burned into my memory and I'd be forever grateful.
Thanks (((xeno))) - it was such a lovely service - sad but lovely. The family is clearly still in shock and I don't think the grieving has actually started. I've been praying non-stop for them to have peace and answers, although I don't think the answers in this situation will bring any peace.
There is quite a bit of talk on who, what, etc. She was only 22, so many of her friends (in recovery and not) were there and shocked and talking. That was kind of strange; the service was in a large auditorium type room, and there was an obvious division of 'friends'.
I was very happy to see many in recovery come to support the family. She had lived in several Oxford homes and some of her 'sisters' were there. I ended up going with a gal who is also young, just returned to an Oxford home and plays softball. I was planning to go and she was unsure of herself @ softball yesterday, so I suggested we go together. She was very grateful as was I.
I too have at times considered my ability to remain sane if one of my boys passed as a result of this disease. I used to think I would die too. I now know that it would be devastating and difficult, but if I reach out for support from Al-Anon, I would be OK in time. I've had to truly accept that as a real possibility based on the progression of this disease.
I will say that I've attended many funerals for program folks - some who died sober and many who did not. In all cases, the support of program people has been extremely humbling to see. Young, old, all backgrounds, we tend to show up when tragedy happens and support those who remain. What a gift.
I am grateful the service is over. I thank you for your share and send hugs to you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just a quick update for those who had an interest...there has been an arrest made in the murder of this young gal. The young man charged is 27 years old and is charged with Premeditated First Degree Murder.
What a waste for both of these 'kids' and prayers for all families involved. May closure come to all who loved these two kids.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
