The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The disease of alcoholism is a family disease. That means the whole family have symptoms. When we focus solely on the alcoholic we are failing to see ourselves, there's nothing we can do about the drinker, only ourselves. You could spend your whole life complaining about the same boring stuff almost all active alcoholics do, if you choose.
Me, Im more interested in me and you. Whats going on with us and our behaviour and actions? Much more interesting.
My symptoms were and are at times resentment, manipulation, anger, bitterness, controlling, lying, bad tempered, self pity, victim/martyr tactics to control. I had and have many assets too. I am quick thinking, problem solving, organised, forward thinking, kind, patient, brave (at times), open minded, forgiving, compassionate.
Many of my assets were gained through Alanon and many of my shortcomings were lost through alanon. These shortcomings were difficult to look at at first but I have been affected by this disease and these are the symptoms that goes along with it, it doesnt make me bad, it makes me sick but getting better. Thanks for reading.x
Thank you El-Cee for the thread and the post. Your symptoms match mine but I get to add also sarcasm/humor as defense mechanism, lack of patience, tunnel-vision and stubborn....
I love your asset list as well and would only add intelligent (to both of us), kind, hard-working and empathetic.
For my recovery I had to accept all that is/was about me and my circumstance. I had to truly surrender myself, my being, my defects and my alcoholics to a HP and dive into this program. I was very sick and tired of being resentful, angry, bitter, controlling, etc. - I did not want to live that way any longer.
When my defects resurface, I find it's often because of fear - and my fear is driven by living in the past or projecting into the future. I can say today that I hope my spiritual awakening is an example to those I love and those I meet. I would never have said that before program.
I love that I am a work in progress - and am able today to slip and still feel worthy! That wasn't always the case in my journey.
(((Hugs))) to you and all of us as we embrace who we are vs. who we want to be!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like what you say about accepting the person we are as well as the person we want to be. This is another of my shortcomings, perfectionism and I can be hard on myself when I dont reach perfect but Im getting better at saying, I am good enough right now as I am and so is everyone else in my life. Just for today were al where we are supposed to be and thats good enough. Love love love Alanon.x
(((Hugs))) to you and all of us as we embrace who we are vs. who we want to be!
---------------------------------------------------------
I know when I did my 4th step I had to ask myself "who did I want to be?" And then I worked backward from that. Why wasn't I that person right now? What is standing in my way? And then I could get a handle on how angry I really was. The more I was in AlAnon, the more I realized how angry I was for my dreams that were stripped away from me by my reaction to the alcoholic. After I was in AlAnon for a few years I was a wreck. I learned about myself. I learned about how I handled things. And then, when I got through it all, I realized that I was going to be okay!!! If he drank again, or got cancer again, or even died, I would be okay. Not that any of it would be easy.... but in the end I have trust that I will be okay.
Thanks LC for this insightful courageous share. Before program, I could not see my defects as I hid my motives under gracious actions and never went inward to evaluate myself-- I was too busy being other directed and judging others.
Being able to own my assets and defects gave me the freedom to be human and an equal to everyone in program and out-- I could no longer compare and feel less than or better than. I do believe I can see my defects clearly and if not my alanon sponsor and friends have my permission to shed light on them :)
Girl you have grown up soooo much and I agree with Hotrod...this is a courageous and insightful share. It is a very important share too as the forth step for me is pivotal
in my recovery. It is the "who am I and what do I bring to my dysfunctions and recovery"? I need(ed) to know that at all times so that I can act out the person I desire to be and bring forward in my society. This mornings meeting was on the 4th step. I am grateful for all 4th step meetings. Thanks for the ESH. (((((HUGS)))))
So beautifully well spoken! Yes, before this program I was disappointed, exhausted, deceitful, enabling, resentful and "busy" focusing on my A.
Now I can see that while I hated the way the alcoholic would turn him into a finger pointing adolescent who often stated "You never do ____ for me! If only you would catch me when I fall! If only you would encourage me I wouldn't be like this"....
The BIGGER issue was that (with nose in air) I too was pointing the finger often stating "If only you would parent / work / contribute!" If only you would catch yourself before you fall into the habit! If only you would see how much I do for you - what a wonderful life I've provided for you! A thank you would be nice"!!!
Yikes. Hard to even type that out - but there we were. Me, the mothering martyr and he the self centered teenager.
It took two of us to dance that dance. But only one has to stop to effect powerful change.
I am a newbie here and to the Al-Anon program. Having gone through a divorce 1 1/2 yrs ago from a workaholic which I believe was just like a alcoholic that wasn't drinking I am just now trying to search through myself to figure out who I am right now.
No, I don't think I can 'see' all of my short comings right now. Maybe I am still in some shock. I know what some of them are because I am in a relationship with an Alcoholic that has been sober 29 years so I have seen some of how I have treated him or said things I shouldn't have. I have had problems trusting him and that isn't fair because what has happened in my past.
I have to work at 'finding' myself again and finding some inner peace. I still hold resentment towards my ex and am angry that I am having to work with my current health problems. I never considered myself a negative person but I am trying to learn to be thankful for the small blessings that are happening in my life. It's really hard sometimes.
In the middle of the mess, the storm, the chaos, it is hard to look inward to see what my contribution may be. It is WAY easier to point fingers, hold resentments about what I feel is not being done to/for me, and scrunch up my nose and turn away. When I pause to be real and look at myself I see that as a newbie my first instinct is still to judge, spy, resent, ridicule (even if it is only in my head) and play the award-winning martyr. But I can say that I am sick, but getting better every day. As long as I remember to work this program, and rely on my steps and pray my prayers and recite my slogans (even if it is only in my head), I am better.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I think the best part of this has been facing up to my shortcomings and discovering that they aren't that scary, and some of them are even misused assets! For example I always want to see the best in people no matter how many times they show me the worst. In an abusive relationship that is a defect called denial. "Oh he only hurt me because he was sad/misunderstood/whatever". But in the context of my studies it is a valuable asset. I want to help people recognise their strengths, it's very important! Emotional manipulation, misused, is a terrible defect. But once again in the context of helping people change their own behaviour (because they want to and are asking for and paying for your help to do so) it's valuable to have that understanding of people's motivations.
Even the defects that don't seem to have worth are so valuable because they help ground me and remind me that I am just another member of the human race and there but for the grace of HP go I. It's funny how very, very afraid I was to visit step 4-5-6 and how incredibly nurturing those steps have turned out to be for me so far.
Good topic LC
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 22nd of June 2015 12:08:55 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I often lose sight of them and come to blame the alcoholic in my life over and over at the end of my anxious cycles. It takes basically getting completely knocked down, and realizing that she's just as concerned with my well-being as I should be to make me realize it. It sucks because often all my shortcomings become invisible, and they're lost behind a wall of wanting to be loved. The obsession becomes how to get someone to love me, it's all within my head. We both come from households with alcoholic parents, and while the result of that has been manifested differently between us, we both have "invisible" shortcomings.
She often works on her development through AA but neglects her psychological development outside of it. Often writing nearly everything off as "being an alcoholic," but there are dual diagnoses. I often write mine off as her "being an alcoholic." And if I think if there's any one thing I've learned being both the child and spouse of an alcoholic its that chocking up any of the problems in the relationship as just them "being an alcoholic," you're already lost.
For me, I've had to learn that lesson a number of times; and I'm grateful beyond words that my alcoholic is extremely forgiving, because my shortcomings are not that dissimilar with the exception that I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol.
I admit that im a martyr and often take over things because i feel im more capable and not so slow and forgetful as AH. i dont think its a crime that one of us [me] keeps us in our house and the lights on. Yet im a coward also...despite reading some very valuable advice, i still cant in frustration,anger and depression, just grab some jeans and leave
Also, on July 4th will be a year since ah threw me around hotel room when he was stinkin drunk!He has some classes and fines to pay etc but i didnt throw him out. He doesnt want to mention this 1yr ago event...I was offered $50 an hr counseling from domestic center but didnt take it. Ill never forget my terror..I wasnt seriously hurt but will have that picture in my head always.
still attending face to face meetings. I celebrated 1 YEAR ALANON ANNIVERSARY THIS MONTH!!!!
Congratulations and hugs YARNCRAZY. A high 5 to you.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
High 5 from me to you too YarnCrazy - congrats on the one year!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all...made a decesion tonite that i didnt like but since it affects me..had to do it.....my fool ah didnt make the 1st car payment,so i had to...then he doesnt allow me to be angry pleeeeeaaaassssseeee
