The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I don't really know where to begin with this so I'm going to start here. I have been to a few Al-Anon meetings. everyone was very nice and very welcoming. I put off going for a long time because I was just scared about it, what if I met someone I knew. I have not yet shared at a meeting, I'm not very open and good with sharing to begin with so I have decided to start here and see. The thought of speaking at a meeting scares me more than anything.
I am 23 years old and I have an alcoholic mother. although it is not admitted or spoken about ever. I don't know if she knows or just doesn't want to admit there is a problem but it has taken a toll on me. I grew up in a great environment. This didn't develop until I was a little older. As I got older I realized that something wasn't right, and I really didn't like what I saw. I have a younger sibling. There is no physical abuse but my mom can just be difficult to deal with and very hard to talk to. I never felt like I could turn to her for anything and I became independent very quickly. She and my sister are quite close. I do get it worse than my sister. I know I have both consciously and unconsciously taken the brunt of the bad moods so my sister wouldn't have to but this led to me believing that I have been part of the cause and I have blamed myself. I became very well behaved and I don't and never have drank or smoked. I live away from home now because of college and I find myself going home less and less. I will graduate this year but I'm still not going back home. I don't want it to be this way. I need to figure out a way of being able to deal with it and make myself ok. I don't see things changing at home for the foreseeable future.
I used to think that nothing bothered me. I just let everything whether related to my situation or not just roll off me and thought I was too tough to let it at me but I was wrong. I was just absorbing it all and it was building up in me until I couldn't keep it in any longer. I had effectively shut down. I don't do emotions, until I started crying and couldn't stop. In January I started to unravel. I started missing college, leaving the house less and less until one week I just didn't leave my bed at all. I was sinking and really didn't know how to pull myself out. This was noticed at college and I was picked up by a few teachers who still haven't put me down. I know I was lucky to have them notice. But because of this little breakdown I have had to start counseling and my exams have been deferred. It is my final year of college and I'm only barely holding it together. I am always the friend that others turn to. I never wanted to burden them. I know what they are going through and to me their stuff was and still is more important. I was and I still am happy to be there but it's only now that I have problems of my own that I realise that all these friends are only there when they need me. I never knew how alone I actually am. Most of them know I've been having problems but they think it's pretty much all college stress etc. I have only told two people about my situation.
Anyway, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.
I'm not sure what I'll do from here but it's a start.
Thanks for showing up here, that took courage. I know it took me a long time to go to my first meeting, I was very scared as well. Feel free to keep coming here as much as you can to learn and absorb more about this horrible disease.
I don't have experience myself, but my recovering alcoholic wife is also the child of an alcoholic, and your story sounds very much like her story when she was that age. You might want to take a look at the adult Children of Acloholics web site, they have a "laundry list" of characteristics shared by many in their program - it is at http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List. With that information, hopefully you will feel less alone, I am guessing even though you have a great support group of teachers, most of them have lots of sympathy but can't have empathy because they haven't been in your situation, so perhaps with the knowledge that there are lots of others out there that have been in your situation, you can gain hope for your future.
Keep coming back here, and post all you want, and read all you want!
Your experience sounds very similar to mine. I came to al-anon 7 years ago when I was 21.
It will get better if you work the program. Sometimes it feels like it's getting more painful (feeling this myself at the moment) but that's just because working the program helps break down barriers inside that have built up as a response to alcoholism.
Take care.
__________________
"There's still so much in me that I need to learn to love."
Welcome to MIP - I too applaud your courage to post and join us.
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive disease that sucks the life out of those afflicted and those who love them/live with them. We are all here because of the affects of living with alcoholism, and are glad you are here too.
The Alanon program is life-changing! I agree with Kenny - look around here, read and learn what you can and know that we're just a post away.
I too was frightened to go to my first meeting. At the advice of great people here, I took the leap of faith and found a group of great folks - also dealing with life on life's terms. Between here, local Face-to-Face (F2F) meetings, the steps, a sponsor and the slogans, I have been able to be at peace and have serenity, in spite of what others around me are doing.
There is great literature that we can point you to if you're ready to read beyond here. There is also a wonderful tool that gave me some immediate peace & hope - the 3 Cs.....I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. You are not responsible at all for the behavior of any other person - only for you!
Try to take it easy with yourself - do a little bit just for you today......a walk, a dance, a nap, a bubble bath - let yourself have a break from that which stresses you - just for a moment of the day.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Please come back. Please come back. Please come back. Please come back. Please come back.
If I could turn back time, I'd have been in al-anon long ago. I envy that you have the strength, courage and introspection to start this process relatively early in life.
So, if you keep at it, keep working to find peace for yourself, keep working on learning to purge the negatives in life as they happen I will make you a promise -
I PROMISE you, as you age you will have :
fewer wrinkles
more hair
clearer skin
a better career experience
stronger relationships
happier kids
less stress
better digestion
more satisfaction
less disappointment
and better opportunities.
That's a promise. You just have to keep at it. Ok, maybe not the hair thing, but the rest for sure.
Ashes, there is so much to learn in Al-Anon and on this board (MIP) (such lovely people here), not only about how to cope with the Alcoholic in your life, but with your life and the effects that the disease has had on you. Al-Anon will give you the tools to regain your dignity and peace and show you how to detach from the disease and the people the disease has been effecting, with love and empathy. You will learn, using the steps, how to live with less fear and anxiety and to rely on and know your HP (Higher Power), to live more mindfully (in the present and not in the past or future).
No one can cause another to drink and no one, but the drinker can stop, plan and simple. Alcoholism is a life long disease, which requires treatment on a number of levels including AA, psychiatric and medical assistance. Only the Alcoholic can make the decision to stop, that is why it is so important for you to get involved with help for yourself, because the chaos the disease causes affects us all. Therefore you are not alone!!
Please continue to come back and talk and if you can start to work your way through the 12 Steps on your own that would help alot, they are the essence of this program, they "work if you work them". You can start the steps on this board by going to the upper right hand corner of the screen. Also you can attend the on-line meetings that are held here on the forum twice a day, by clicking the button on the left side of the upper screen. Going to Al-Anon face-to-face meetings are so helpful for the interaction and support that you need now, and you do not have to speak if you do not wish to, just pass, but if you feel you can't go the f2f meetings then attend the on-line ones here on MIP.
Are you seeing a doctor for your depression?
Glad you decided to come here!!
{{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thanks for sharing, Ashes, and kudos for having the courage to do so!
As they said, keep coming back! We're here to listen and offer support wherever we can. I've found this community to be very supportive and I try to be the same.
In a pinch when you're feeling a crisis moment coming on, there is the Serenity Prayer. I've found it does well as a positive affirmation to be repeated on its own too... for 5-10 minutes at a time.
Mark
-- Edited by Mark17 on Wednesday 17th of June 2015 02:51:37 PM
ashes, this was me in my twenties. first of all - if you are in your final year of college you have plenty of time to finish at a slightly later date and it will not be hard. don't stress on that - the bulk of your work is done and by the way if you are honest with the college about what you are coping with, i guarantee they will help you accommodate as you get better!
people dump their problems on me too - because that is the role i took on as a child of an alcoholic, and stuck with other messy family dynamics. i am twice your age and i will tell you that this is both a blessing and curse. you WILL make more friends who rely on you. and yes you will attract people who just use you as their emotional garbage can. but you need to watch out for your own health (that's why im a complete newbie here - im overinvested in a friend's sobriety).
you have done a great job articulating what you are feeling - just know that many many many kids of alcoholics are nowhere NEAR the self awareness that you clearly have. just because you are scared to speak out loud doesn't change the fact that you know exactly what is going on with yourself. this is amazing! i am hoping the best for you and will be rooting for you.
Thank you all for taking the time to write to me....I really appreciate all help/advice given to me.
Until this little 'rough patch', I didn't realize just how alone and isolated I am. It doesn't matter how many people are around me. This is something that I just can't tell. With the people I have told, it came out in a flood of tears.
I was given a few things to read when I went to the meetings but I just don't understand it yet.
I've read through the steps but I don't know what my next move is. Where/how do I start? How do I work the program?
This is what I think really scared me about my first meeting. I felt lost and confused.
Everyone speaks very highly of this program so I want to and will give it a real shot but I'm just a little lost on how I go about doing this.
There is great literature that might help you. One book that comes to mind is called, "How Alanon Works". It describes the program, the steps, the fellowship, etc. You may be able to find it local at a book store or online using Amazon or the Al-Anon website.
Literature (for me as a visual person) is extremely critical for the program. It's used in meetings and used to study about working the program and steps.
When you went to meetings, did they give you phone numbers? You can call any member on the list and I am sure they would help you.
You can also come to the MIP meeting this evening and ask for How Alanon Works as a topic.
These are quick responses just to give you a 'start'....is this what you are looking for?
Keep posting and asking questions and members here will help as best we can!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So glad you have found us. I think that realization about friends is so important. I had that own realization about my friends at a crisis point in my life. I think when we're in a relationship with alcoholics or other unhealth family members, we get used to giving but not getting back in return. So we don't filter our friends on that basis - it just seems like the norm not to get much back in terms of strong emotional support. But then in difficult times it comes home to us that we have friends who can't be there in that way. That's the first step in useful awareness (but painful! I know so well).
I think the first step is learning all you can about how alcoholism works and how it distorts the lives and feelings of those around it as well as those of the drinker. There is Al-Anon literature free at meetings and also books you can buy. One that is often recommended on this site is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. (Not really about how to make them get sober, despite the title - I don't want to give the impression that you are responsible for getting your alcoholic sober, because I know if you could, you would have.) Also you can read through the threads on this board and listen to the people sharing at face-to-face meetings.
When you find someone at your meeting who seems to "have what you want" in terms of serenity and emotional strength and good knowledge of the program, you can ask them to be your sponsor. This is often a scary step, but being a sponsor helps people who are farther along get even farther along and keep their own program strong, so you are doing them a favor as much as they're doing you a favor. Then they help you work the steps.
So you are starting along your journey already, by reaching out and figuring out what to do next and reading and listening. Hugs! I hope you'll keep coming back.
here's the other thing - i can't speak for al anon but aa and i assume it's the same. NO ONE is going to force you to share until you are ready. really listening to other people for awhile will in its make you feel so so much less alone! these are your peers in many ways. they get it! and it's not a pressure filled environment. if it's like aa it's just really great.
