Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Doingmybest · Senior Member

So very lonely for human touch

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Doingmybest -

I do understand missing that human touch from the one you love. I don't have experience in working towards getting that back, so only have suggestions.

Perhaps this is a moment to say what you 'need', in a loving way with little/no expectations and hoping for the best. Early recovery is hard for everyone, and there is usually shame and remorse involved that can make intimacy at any level difficult.

If you aren't comfortable with saying what you 'need' or want at this time, a gentle touch on a shoulder or hand might help him understand that you are wanting to be close again. I was thinking that perhaps you can approach this aspect of your relationship as if you are newly dating, hold his hand or lay a hand on his arm or ...

(((Hugs))) to you from my part of the world - trust your HP and work your program and everything will improve and will be OK!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that when I need a hug, I just have to come right out and ask for one. I have to admit, I shed a few tears for you because I know how this feels but it was when my AH was slipping into alcoholism and I was pulling away on my end. It hurts, I know.

I have no real advice. Have you read the Al Anon book, "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage"? I highly recommend it, if you haven't. So very sorry you are hurting but early sobriety is a learning curve for everyone. Only you know what your AH may or may not be willing to give and sometimes you may just have to ask and forget about those eggshells you're walking on.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Doing its the disease and the behaviors.

Emotional intimacy is very hard to regain
It takes a lot of hard work. You need trust,
Faith and validation of your feelings,Wants
and desires. Life with an A is all About them
and walking on egg shells.

I lost the touching and cuddling desire myself.
It was the Death of my marriage. I had my part
In it Too. It takes two people to both bare their
Underbellies not just one.

We still had an active sex life but no more
emotional intimacy. They are two very different
Things.

Keep working on yourself and let him keep
Working on himself. The wisdom is wait till
You are both emotionally healthy enough
To work on your marriage.

None of that worked for me my xah refused
To even try restoring the marriage after starting
AA and he had already checked out.

EarlyBird · Member

I know how you feel and wanted to share a bit of my story -

My AH has 32 days under his belt since his last drink. He entered into his program after an arrest. I honestly believe he is giving his program a real honest try and I have been working mine - or trying my best in addition to running the household and working full time.

Physical intimacy is gone and has been for awhile. We talked about this and he told me "I am working so hard at focusing on my recovery, I dont have anymore to give" - that hurt, but after a few weeks of focusing on me, I get it. We are both so early in our own recovery that we cannot deal with the demands of showing our feelings when we havent sorted them out on our own. We both agree that we love each other, but we are hanging in there and hoping to prove that that is enough ; I hope that makes sense.

Just know that you are not alone.

Early Bird

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I did some research on this subject, because I experience the same thing with my AH, he is not even in recovery at all.

But what I discovered is that recovering alcoholics do have intimacy issues due to the fact that they are so focused on their recovery and that it may take a good year.

"Early recovery is often described as an emotional rollercoaster. Things tend to settle down once the individual has established themselves in sobriety, and they will then usually find it easier to manage their intimate relationships".

http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/addiction-and-intimacy-sexual-relationships/

Doingmybest · Senior Member

Thank you all so much. It helps to know you are not alone.

I did have a discussion of sorts with him yesterday and then pronounced that I was done with the issue. That was a mistake and a backslide....but I really was done with it for the night.

This morning, I texted him from the bedroom to the kitchen, told him to bring his coffee and come this way, please....but made sure he knew it was a request and not a demand of any kind.

When he came in, I simply told him to hush, lay down beside me and be quiet. After some time, he visibly relaxed and honestly enjoyed the closeness. There was no expectation and no discussion...but things worked out very well.

We have both had a much better day and he is obviously less stressed (as am I). It may be a small hurdle, but now the fear of being close has been faced and we are anxiously awaiting this family vacation on Thursday morning. I'm so glad I took the time to just ask for exactly what I wanted.

I honestly don't think things would have improved much on the trip unless we had made an attempt to reconnect without anger, frustration, or humiliation beforehand.

Overall, it has been a lovely day (expect a bad pain one). I try very hard, however, not to complain about pain and to focus on more positive things. I'd say this was a great leap, even though I am fully aware it is often one step forward, two steps back.

Thank you all so very much!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Doingmybest -

(((Hugs))) to you and way to go with saying what you needed with no expectations! That is you working this program. As far as 'back-sliding' - it happens and I am so grateful that those here longer than I kept telling me it is about progress, not perfection.

May today be great and your upcoming trip be marvelous! Keep doing what you are doing - it looks really good on you!!

Mark17 · Veteran Member

Hi Doingmybest,

You wrote:

> I'm so glad I took the time to just ask for exactly what I wanted.

I think that is absolutely huge!! The whole asking thing is huge.
Children ask for everything, all the time, without inhibition. By
the time we get to be adults though, many of us feel too much
pride to ask for things.

Empowerment is being able to ask... if we don't ask then how
can we bring about what we want in our lives?

I hope you have a wonderful family vacation! Keep asking
for things as you need to.

Thanks for sharing and keep us posted. :)
Mark

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene