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I am struggling with my anger towards my husband. He has been sober for 10+ years without any program. He has always been hard on my son (not his) and I have spoken and warned him to stop with the harsh words. Anyway as you all know my son has been struggling since returning from visiting his father's family in Ireland. They were not nice to him either. He had stop taking his medication and was drinking. Well on Saturday we were going to a family wedding when my husband let out a comment about my son gaining a lot of weight and being all bloated just so he could hear it. I told him it wasn't appropriate or very nice and he got an attitude. I am not very proud of myself for my actions but I lost it with him. I had an especially difficult week with my son and dealing with his self esteem and he just didn't need this on top of everything.
I will spare all of you the nasty details but I have never gotten this angry at my husband. It is like the last straw. He has said so many hurtful things to my son. I have sat and talk with him about this quietly and calmly. I just don't know how to release my anger at him.
My best approach to dealing with anger is prayer, meditation and the steps. I've also found that program friends and my sponsor are much better outlets for gathering my thoughts and making a plan to determine my next right thing. Anger is not an emotion I can hold onto very long, so do all I can to feel it, share it and dispose of it.
I love doing gentle things for me when I am angry or hurt - a walk with my dog, listening to music, lunch with a trusted friend, etc.
Abstinence from substances is not the same as working a program. No matter what he does, you can work on you and find peace and serenity! Work on you and love yourself - make that your goal each day, and align your actions as best you can to do that!
(((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ellen living with the disease of alcoholism is very difficult. Since irrational fear and anger affect those of us who live with the disease, the alanon program has been established to help processs these feelings and learn news ways to respond
Face to face meetings,working the steps especially Step 4-7, using the slogans helped me to respond and not react to the insanity I urge you to search out face to face meetings and attend
What is obviously at the root of this? Your AH has low self esteem. He is the classic bully, but in a grown body. My uncle was the same way, even to a lesser extent after he went to AA. It was actually kind of shocking the way he would just let out malicious comments and laugh at them and he did this to loved ones more frequently than any other people (children like my cousins, myself, and my siblings were easy targets for him). I know my uncle's story - as he was basically an unwanted last child of my grandparents that could never do anything right in their eyes so he grew up to be a mean drunk. AA did tame him out some, but not fully. I think it was too painful for him to really accept that his own parents didn't love him as much or in the same way as they did their other kids...but none of that ever made it okay to be so cruel and mean to people.
Your anger? Well, I didn't hear exactly how you were wrong by telling him he was being inappropriate. It's okay to get angry and it's also okay to express it. If it's that you feel you really went off on him...Well, I guess you could practice pausing before having the conversations you feel you need to with him, but it sounds like you already have done that many times. So I guess my thought is maybe you were being assertive in protecting your son? There does come a point where enough is enough and it's really hard to be nice in saying that. Be gentle with yourself.
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I have been going to face to face meetings Saturday and Sunday. I have called a few of my Al-Anon friends. I just think I have to take a step back and really look at the whole picture. There has been insanity in the home in dealing with my son's issue and my husband. I am trying to keep the focus on myself. I got early this morning and rode my stationary bike for myself. I know that there is a meeting tomorrow. I will go. I guess when I am good and ready to deal with my husband I will but right now I am still angry. I guess it is okay to still feel this way until I feel different...in my own time. Thanks
Ellen, living with insanity in the home is horrible. I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much with your son and husband. I can relate to the tricky triangle, only my A is my younger brother, not my son. There have been times of crisis over the years with my brother that my husband has been fed up with the whole chronic A issue and made cutting remarks in front of my struggling brother. And it's made me mad at my husband on top of being crazy tired and stressed out from the crisis. This is such a family disease, especially when we all live together. I am so grateful for Al Anon.
I hope that your son continues to improve and that you find peace with your husband. Just a thought for you: I have found that writing down what I want to say is very helpful in discovering the heart of what I want to say.
It's wonderful that you rode that bike; I hope you find some time for yourself tomorrow, too.
I am so sorry for your situation. Blended families are difficult under the best of circumstances and alcoholism added to the mix is a devastating blow. I wish I had some major words of wisdom, but I don't. I just wanted you to know someone cares.
I am a step mother. I gave the children my heart and they handed it back to me stomped on, bleeding, and mangled. I did the best I could, but it was never enough. So, after ah entered aa, I told him I was no longer going to deal with his daughter unless she was respectful and pleasant to me. I haven't seen her (or his son) since, and that is ok with me. I wish it could be different, but those are the facts. He felt guilty for "leaving" and they learned to manipulate. They are both grown now.
Anyway, my best friend, however, has the same situation as you do. She has honestly tried so hard to find a solution and is still searching. He son is large now, has mh issues, and has little outside contact except her. He husband, an active addict, is horrible to him. She has found that keeping the two of them apart as much as possible is easier to deal with, but not a perfect solution. They even divorced a long time ago because of issues with the children and different child rearing beliefs....both had two children (the same ages) when they married. After the children wer grown, they remarried, but I kind of think she wishes she had moved on because addiction is killing all of them (some more silently than others).
Please know you are cared about. I mah not know you personally, but you obviously love your son and want the best for him. You will be able to find the answer for you. Of that I am certain. I pray you find peace with this situation and your family can heal.
-- Edited by Doingmybest on Tuesday 16th of June 2015 05:34:44 AM
