The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Theres been a lot of posts about grief and to be honest im not too sure what it is. Im looking for clarity. When my relationship ended i did have sad days, it was disappointing that the plans we made were not met but really I was glad to be free of the misery of it all.
My life started from that moment to be honest. Ive heard its a process and we go through stages and its a journey we walk. I walked that journey for years whilst living with the disease so by the time it ended i was kinda done with the grieving process.
I dont really like the idea that were encouraged to be sad or to grieve, its not compulsory is it? We can choose another path surely. We can choose to be happy, to feel the benefits of not living with alcoholism, that is a fantastic feeling, to be free of the disease to a certain extent. Its almost taboo to think of the end of the alcoholic marriage as a joyous and happy liberating experience to be enjoyed. No, no got to grieve? i say, grieving is a waste of precious time, we grieved every time they picked up the drink didnt we? Live, be happy, your free.x
I had previous thought about grief relative only to loss of life. Counselors, Church Leaders and others smarter than I suggest there are 7 formal steps to grief. I don't know them but know of them. Each of us process differently - some quick, some more slowly - but according to the experts, if one skips a step in grief, the loss will continue to disrupt life. It's kind of like the 12 Steps - we don't skip them ... we work them because another wiser person told us to...
I had never considered grief towards living/life events until my sons became As. I was so devastated by this, that I had to seek outside help to get through the process. I, like you, felt I was just horribly sad....it was the counselor that suggested we grieve life events and the same 7 steps are common when we have ANY LOSS - relationship, dreams, etc.
That made perfect sense to me and helped me walk through the process of accepting my dreams of 'perfect sons', 'perfect family' were gone. I've not given up hope they will have lovely lives, but it will be a non-traditional path that includes self-destruction, jail, criminal records, etc. --- Way different than I ever hoped/dreamed when they were born and growing up.
Sadness, Anger, Denial, Acceptance are 4 that come to mind without research. We are encouraged to feel what we feel as the belief is to skip one or deny one will make it come back. Unlike the steps of this program, the 7 steps/stages of grief are not always in the same order for everyone, but close.
I don't know if I helped or not, and I also don't want to encourage folks to be sad. But, acting as if doesn't work with grief (my experience) and that is exactly what got me 'stuck' with my boys.
Based on your post, it sounds as if you did much of your grieving during your marriage. That may or may not be common practice - I think it's unique to each person. I also don't consider myself an emotional person, so was really baffled when I couldn't get over my super-sized speed bump without assistance. Her words made perfect sense to me at the time and helped me be OK with my feelings and walk through the entire process, including sadness, pain, denial, etc.
When it was my husband, I went very fast to anger and got stuck for a long while. It was way different with my boys....for whatever reason! She did ask me to go back and look at why I went to anger so quickly with my AH and I did. I found that it was easier to be angry than to be sad or hurt...
Great topic and I bet great discussion will follow!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks, that does help actually. I got stuck in anger for a bit. It was very different with my son. My mothering instincts had gotten mixed up with obsessions and control and yes I had to let go of my expectations of people, so if grieving is letting go then I can see how that fits with the program and my own journey. I learned to let go with awareness, acceptance and action. I do struggle to allow myself to feel the feelings as is suggested often here. Im a bit like, no way, I will choose what I feel and its not going to be misery if I can help it.lol
I think that everyone has a level of grief that they experience if there are memories of someone or something that has been lost or has ended is deeply missed.
Some people view the loss, if connected to pain, as something that enables them to move on very quickly.
Sometimes there were many good as well as bad memories and it is a bitter/sweet level of grief.
Some people are more sensitive than others and still other see the glass half full as opposed to half empty.
But I think that everyone is entitled to how they feel for what every reason they have, because we do not know the whole story, we haven't walked in their shoes for several years before we level our opinions about their feelings and why they have them.
All I know is that grief is defined as a keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
{{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
greif for me was a feeling I felt with out knowing why. I felt happy to be free but sad. I couldn't figure it out. Apparently it was the loss of an ideal which was a greif issue. It gave me the ok to cry for what I never got, then move on. My nana who was a lovely and strong feminine person, didn't grieve the passing of her alcoholic husband. It was truly her release from prison. After 25 years of crap and seven children. She dressed up, wore make up, went out, dated. Life is for living, I think we are fortunate to be free. Xx
I think grief is a personal journey, Elizabeth Kubler Ross defined the stages of grieving in her book. I hear what you are saying. For me, grief is feeling the pain of not having what I dreamed of. I am working on accepting my path in life...it has changed a lot. I am not grieving the pain of living with an alcoholic, I grieve the loss of a potentially good marriage, the loss of having a partner who was actually decent at times. I think we should allow the grieving process if it is necessary in finding peace. I think it's good not to shove feelings under a rug....it's good to feel the feelings, deal with them and move on. Grief comes and goes for me. I also grieve the loss of my dad and other relatives over the years. Sometimes I think people deal with things by not allowing the feelings, so they try not to feel reality by drinking or doing drugs. Just my 2 cents.
Wow. Came here just to read, but this topic hits home in many ways. My husband died last Saturday from alcoholism. It still feels surreal that he drank himself to death. I always worried he would die drunk driving, kill someone else, etc. I never really imagined this- this only happens to alcoholics who have been living homeless under bridges for years, right? Not a guy who still held his job 4 months ago.
I have to make myself stop feeling guilty that I am not grieving much. It was a horrible month- 31 days in ICU; there were plenty of tears, but even then I am not sure it they were for him, or for the unbearable stress of making hard decisions (like turning off life support), or mostly for the past that is lost. I kept feeling the need to defend who he used to be- the husband and father he once was. And the tears would mostly come when I told someone that he was a good man at one time. But that was seriously 20 years ago. For 20 years he has been the distant unreachable guy who chose alcohol.
I am feeling not much- some relief of no more worry about him. But the reality is our lives (mine and my children) will be no different. He has not been a part for a long, long time. He has not been welcome at weddings, or graduations, or Christmas, or any other normal life event. I drew the line a long time ago- if you chose to drink you chose to not be a part of our family. And he made his choice (such as he was able to make)
So the original post really hits home- I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not 'glad" he is dead, but I am glad his suffering is over and our stress is done. My 13yo grand daughter who lives with me will be the only one of the next generation to remember him- the other grandkids live farther away and their dad has never allowed them to meet him. They are 10 and 8 and he did not know their names. The rest who live in the area are too young.
Deep breath, fresh start. And my first outside the home job in 30 years.
Lisal This is indeed a dreadful disease. I appreciate your honesty and would like to offer my sincere support at this difficult time. I stated many times that when my son passed from this disease I was grateful that the terrible pain was lifted.
I too offer you prayers and support during your loss and fresh start. This disease is so cunning, powerful, baffling and progressive. I send virtual (((hugs))) to you, your family as we as your AH.
May he rest in peace and may you find your fresh start and new job fulfilling and peaceful.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can identify with many things said here. I've shed many tears looking out the window and seeing "broken dreams"--both figuratively and literally. My grief now is at least for my lost marriage and family... I'm still trying to piece together what role "addiction" plays in that.
Lisal, I'm sorry for your loss. Sounds like that may be a blessing to you but still, I would think it must be difficult if only because of everything that gets stirred up.
Elcee i think grieving is basically feeling your feelings
And processing them. I am still grieving and xah has
Been gone for 11 months.
Allowing myself to grieve has made me face many
Truths good and bad. I have a right to healthy anger,
I actually embrace it now.
Its okay to to grieve what should have been or what
Was. I was a very happily married woman for a long
Time. The disease was still in him, kicking at the
underpinning Of our marriage. It eventually won and
my loss is great because beneath it all he was a
good man with a thinking disease. I do not like who
He is now but its not my journey anymore.
I was a great stuffer of feelings and emotions before
Alanon and divorce care. I needed both to heal with
The loving hand of God guiding me on my journey.
God has given me the strength to face myself and my
Xah. We both played our parts.
My head, heart and soul are not on the same page
Yet. I beleive that is another gift of grieving to get
Youself more balanced and centered. I Can not wait
For the day to feel emotionally fit again.
I had grief I wasn't Aware of .. the steps Awareness Acceptance Action .. helped me to recognize anger is fear anger is also a part of grief .. I was angry for years but never Realized it was a part of grief .. learned in steps that nothing happens 'just like that .. I like the notion of moving toward the end of grief .. know for me I have to keep moving through it or I will never reach the end.. the choices for me to be rid of grief ? attend the next meeting and keep sharing what's honest and real in me .. as long as we are willing to attend, we will grow the willingness to let go in every area of our lives in order to be really ''free to embrace the new .. good thread ..
I like the end of grief thought as with my sister when she passed away I thought there was something seriously wrong with me .. I felt nothing much .. I was numb until I realized like the alcoholic .. I had been grieving her loss from the time I was small .. the physical death was the final stage of the grief between her and I .. I realized I was letting go ..
I didn't read the replies before posting my own .. lisa .. I relate with not grieving much but in truth ? I really had grieved for years .. what was there left to feel .. what I love about these gatherings in the fellowship is we realize there is usually a higher reason for everything then then one we first give .. I too will keep you in prayers .. all of us
Thanks for the kind words. It is nice to be able to be honest about my feelings- you really just can't with people who have not been close to alcoholism. How can you say a death almost a relief in normal society!?
I think it is true you grieve in stages over many years. I have cried and been devastated more than a few times- way more than when he actually died. That was probably the real grief- realizing the family I dreamed of was slipping away, the father I wanted for my kids was slipping away. But that was a good 15 years ago- the kids and I kept moving forward, he was left behind. I think in our hearts he died a long time ago, and that was when we grieved.
