The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi,
I've been visiting here ever day for months, since my AGF started drinking again in march. I find the support and hope you all share so helpful and I've been trying to learn to detach and learn a better way of dealing with this. I've started going to alanon again, I wanted to go tonight but she's so drunk I don't want to leave her on her own. I went out yesterday and when I got home she had a black eye from falling and hitting her head. No one knows she's started again. I just feel so alone. She is so angry, says awful things, everything I try to do seems to make her worse. I just want to help her. I don't know what to do anymore.
This disease is so cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. There isn't much you can do to aid her recovery; the best that you can do right now is exactly what you intended....get to a F2F Alanon meeting. It sounds as if you've been before - I would encourage you to begin meetings, explore the literature and you may be surprised at how quickly you can minimize some of your immediate pain/fears.
If getting out to meetings is too difficult, there are 2 meetings here each day (schedule is up at the top left). They are wonderful meetings and there are marvelous MIP members that attend them. I've never left any meeting feeling worse than when I arrived, so meetings are a favorite part of my program.
We focus on the program, the steps, self-care and many other self-preservation strategies. Please know that you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it - the 3 C(s)...
Hang in there and know that we're all here for you!
(((Hugs))) - the program has saved my sanity and perhaps my life!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you iamhere, you are so kind - made me cry! I got lots of information at the meeting I went to, and have been reading everything I can get find about alcoholism and how you should and shouldn't help someone. Something I should have done a long time ago. I feel after she went to rehab I did everything all wrong and expected too much and put too much pressure on her and this is what has caused her to relapse. Rationally I know I can't make someone drink, just like I can't make someone stop but why if that's wrong? What if I did? What if my ignorance has caused this? I'm not asking for answers, just so confused right now.
I've been trying so hard not to control her drinking, search for bottles, question, plead, pour alcohol away, reason or try and stop her - she's just gone upstairs and I can here it, that horrible unscrewing of a spirit bottle sound - but it seems to be making everything worse. She is so angry with me. Sorry for ranting on, I know you are right. But seeing her like this just breaks my heart. She is hurting so badly, and to stand back and not try and change that is so hard. Again, thank you. I can get to a meeting on Tuesday and I can't wait
It isn't wrong. You cannot make a person relapse. Please do not own any part of her disease. That tendency will get turned into enabling and it could actually hurt her.
The insanity and power of this disease is what causes those inflicted to relapse. There is no human power that can make that happen.
I completely understand your pain and the anxiety that comes with wondering what will happen next. For me, the program, steps and tools were the gift that keeps on giving.
When I focus on me and my program, I feel stronger to live and let live. With healthy boundaries, I can work to protect my sanity and peace of mind. When I practice self-care, I am working on that which I can control - me, my actions & reactions.
The meetings here are a wonderful way to get ESH if F2F meetings are harder to get to. I go to as many meetings as I can as it seems to boost my awareness, attitude and gratitude.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone and we're here for you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Clara75, I hear that you are trying to help someone, and alcoholic, who doesn't want to be helped stop drinking ... unfortunately they need to make that decision, to stop drinking, themselves.
Focus on the help you need, in order to cope with this situation. If you cannot attend f2f al-anon meetings, there are two on this forum, MIP, twice a day that you can access at the top left of this screen.
Also, working the steps on your own can also be done on this website as well, at the top right of this screen and with the help of the membership here you can get some great ESH and acquire some really
good experience from MIP members.
Alcoholism is a life long disease whether someone is actively drinking or is sober, and no one can be responsible for causing it or stopping it, except the alcoholic.
I live with an active alcoholic and the al-anon tools, my HP, the lovely people here on MIP have saved my sanity. {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome Clara! Glad to have you hear with us. It's not wrong to want to help someone. It's human and natural. We are here on this board because our default reaction is to people please and take care of others. The problem is with this diesase sometimes the best help you can give someone is none- unless they ask for it. Our disease has the tendencies to put others before ourselves. Before you know it, we're as sick as they are. That's were the slogans come in handy. Let Go and Let God, They have a Higher Power and it's not you, things(people, situations) you try to control actually have control of you. These are good to repeat to yourself when you get twisted up.
You wrote: "everything I try to do seems to make her worse." My Sponsor reminds me of this often. His Sponsor told him, "Did you ever notice that everytime you help your daugther she gets woarse?"
"She is so angry, says awful things" Typically for untreated Alcoholism. Don't take it personally. What she says and does is more about her than it is about you.
From my experience; recovery needs to be preceded by pain. No one gets to AA or Alanon without pain. There are times when we need to step aside and let the individual feel the pain of their actions.
> Something I should have done a long time ago. I feel after she went to rehab
> I did everything all wrong and expected too much and put too much pressure
> on her and this is what has caused her to relapse. Rationally I know I can't
> make someone drink, just like I can't make someone stop but why if that's
> wrong? What if I did? What if my ignorance has caused this? I'm not asking
> for answers, just so confused right now.
I'm not a believer that you can cause someone else to drink. Based on my experience though, the A
certainly can point to you and make you feel that way. My XAW used all kinds of excuses involving me.
At one point I was looking in the mirror wondering whether I was the kind of monster I had always
swore I would never become. Only when I started talking with others about what was going on did
I get validation in terms of reality checks. I think that's also part addiction... it tends to put the family
in crisis and force everyone to turn inward and isolate. I think that's one reason Al-Anon (FTF especially
but also here) can be so useful: it serves as an essential reality check to offset the manipulation and
deception inherent to the addictive behavior.
Aloha Clara75 I know what you're feeling cause Like most of the fellowship here I've been there and done that myself. I learned something about love in Al-Anon in the early years of recovery which was about loving my alcoholic/addict wife. I learned that loving here was allowing her the dignity of the consequences of her choices rather than to protect her from them or stop her from making them. When she came to own the consequences all for herself...she got into recovery. Think about it. ((((hugs))))
Hi everyone, and thank you. Its such a relief to talk to people who know what its like. Ive been thinking a lot about what you said Ive started to realise that after she left rehab I never changed my behaviour, continued to do everything for her and really still treated her like when she was drinking did everything to make her life as easy as possible but at the same time expecting our lives to instantly transform to the normal life I had wished for for so long, never gave her a chance to do anything for herself. Even when she as sober I was constantly distrustful, questioning her and checking up on her all the time, desperate to prevent any problem that might make her drink whilst actually turning into an overbearing nightmare. It consumed my whole life. I honestly never meant any harm and do not think she is incapable she has a responsible job that she is very well respected in and cares about deeply.Weve been together since we were 19, and now almost 40 so this has been our whole adult life. Ive clung this relationship so hard, and believed if I could make her happy she wouldnt need to drink.Shes always done everything to excess but when we were younger it wasnt so obvious as drinking was such a big part of our social lives, but even then always seemed to go a bit too far, but I thought maybe I was just getting old and boring......
Now I wonder if she would have done better without me.When we met with her councillor before she left the inpatient programme she told me she thought I was co-dependent I was furious!!, how dare she judge me?All Ive been trying to do is keep well, safe, make sure she doesnt lose her job or her family, hurt herself or worse. She was completely right - I feel so arrogant and stupid now. I tick every co dependent box and every enabling box there is.When she seriously started drinking again it was like I finally understood I cannot love you enough to make you want to stop.There is NOTHING I can say or do, and you will never tell me the truth about it.Its depressing and liberating at the same time. I do want to learn a different way of living that is better for both of us, and try as best as I can to accept it if she does not want to stop drinking, at least for now.If Im being totally honest my hope is that it will help her, which I know is completely missing the point.
That was a lot longer than intended, sorry. Thanks for listening xx
Put the bat down it will only keep you sick. Turn your attitude toward gratitude. Without the pain of the last several months you wouldn't be where you're at now. This painful part of your journey will become an ASSET if you take ACTION toward changing the only person you can- YOU. None of us get here on a winning streak looking for bigger and better things. We get here broken and in despair. We call that our bottom.
You wrote: "Now I wonder if she would have done better without me."- from my experience, no- she would've sought out someone just like you. We are attracted to them and they are attracted to us. Very, very common. Also keep in mind- you didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure this. Your mind will tell you otherwise. That's an illusion that keeps us sick.
Thanks for sharing more - I can read your pain and your processing. In Alanon, we try real hard to focus on today, and that only - one day at a time.
Whatever you have or have not done in the past does not matter. Whatever will happen in the future in yet to be determined.
We find peace and serenity by staying in the current day, and focusing on ourselves.....
You are here and that's what matters. You are ready for change, and that's what matters. Keep sharing here and see if you can find F2F meetings (face to face) in your area. They will welcome you with open arms and will also relate to what you've been through, what you are feeling, etc.
Between MIP (here) and F2F meetings, you can find freedom from all that is going on around you - no matter what another person is doing!
(((hugs))) to you - glad you are here and know that we're just a post away!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I got lots of information at the meeting I went to, and have been reading everything I can get find about alcoholism and how you should and shouldn't help someone. Something I should have done a long time ago. I feel after she went to rehab I did everything all wrong and expected too much and put too much pressure on her and this is what has caused her to relapse. Rationally I know I can't make someone drink, just like I can't make someone stop but why if that's wrong? What if I did? What if my ignorance has caused this? I'm not asking for answers, just so confused right now. 