The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
struggling today, but trying to just walk one step at a time.
was in al-anon for about a year and a half or so, three years ago. had a spiritual awakening that scared the wits out of me and instead of facing the fear i fled from the program and the state in which i was living, back into my parents arms and subsequent mental hospital. re-learned to stop talking so people would stop thinking i was crazy and things could get back to "normal."
slow progression, three years later: working at a job i hate because it was "safe" and spending every minute outside of work either binging/purging, watching tv, or sleeping. tried to get hobbies but thoughts and fears always presented themselves; best to avoid them. felt intensely lonely and prayed that a man - any man - would take an interest. thought i could learn to love anyone. god delivered, exceeding my expectations. provided me with a loving, accepting, supportive, non-judgmental, sane, handsome man. he was not enough and i could not love him, but he sure held up a mirror to me (without even knowing it.) in the span of two weeks the floodgates of honesty flew open and i left my relationship, lost my job, and landed myself back in al-anon.
i am crawling on my hands and knees here, trying to make it through fear. trying to get over the hump, trying to accept, trying to surrender. trying, trying, trying!
know the answer is to STOP trying and accept, but cannot relinquish control right now.
i feel crazy, i have expectations, but i'm going to my third meeting in three days tonight. it's really all i can do right now. i can't imagine holding a job right now.
It takes a strong person to be that open. I can relate to your feelings. For me the beginning of healing happened when I realized I didn't want my life to be like this anymore,
All of this is only me, you will find your own path- but for me I had to be willing to give up the things that I thought made me feel better (yet worse ultimately) like too much sleep or binging and purging, or even too much TV, I realized until I gave those up I was like an alcoholic saying he wanted to get better while opening a beer.
I took an antidepressant but didn't depend on that alone.
I realized that I had an addiction to my depression lifestyle of course I did not like it, but I was addicted to it.
much like other addictions I had to take it one moment at a time, one step at a time to get better.
I went to al anon like I felt safe there, that was the beginning but not enough for me to break all my old habits, my goal at first was just to try life in some way other than self destroying ways. If I failed so be it what I was doing was only getting worse.
I went to a ladies group at church- I cried for no reason - no one forced me to share what was wrong, surprisingly many there had similar issues
I replaced ugly old memories with new ones-even if it was only a walk in the sunshine, eventually it was movies, concerts etc.. that took a while baby steps did it.
and I was gentle with myself.
I got some kind of exercise every day.
The most effective tool was my higher power- I told my hp-I am going to assume you are there and ask for help and I talked to my higher power then really tried to leave some of my worries with my higher power.
I don't know if any of this helps but I went from the very bottom of everything in life- to decent finances, better relationships and overall a pretty happy life in about 2 years, but it was better than horrible much sooner than that.
Welcome Madisonnw, I'm glad that you reached out and shared with such depth and clarity. I would simply like to assure you that are not alone and that there is hope.
I'm glad that you are attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings, because it is here that I learned to break the isolation caused by living in the insanity of the disease of alcoholism, and to find supportive, nonjudgmental people who would guide me in the use of new constructive tools to live by.
My self-esteem and self worth blossomed and the acceptance life on life's terms became the norm for me. .Living one day at a time, trusting a Higher Power with the focus on myself worked
Please keep coming back
I just want to welcome you and thank you for your honesty. It takes a lot of courage to share your vulnerability here and to join others at face to face meetings again. Keep coming back, you're worth it. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hello Madisonnw - glad you found us and so glad you are here!
I agree with those above me - doing the next right thing, going to F2F meetings and sharing your experience are awesome ways to start back up. I am one that believes all my life experiences, good and bad, were necessary to bring me to where I am today. For today, I am a bit sad but in a better place before the program.
If possible, just take baby steps to be kind to you - a short walk, a bubble bath, painted nails, etc. If you are not working and have the time, there are 2 meetings here each day - the schedule is up to the top left. I am going through some difficult things right now, so have been stock-piling meeting ESH to carry me forward.
(((hugs))) to you - please know you are not alone and keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
glad you are reaching out. I have experience some very low places in my recovery it has not been easy to gain awareness at times. I understand the wanting to run. But being back where I came from is scarier. When I have a growth spurt sometimes it hurts but I am normally taller and stronger after it. Stick with the winners this too shall pass. Sending you a big hug Tracy xxxxx
thanks everyone. i appreciate the responses, i really do. today was one of the harder, scarier days i've had. made it to another meeting, which is always interesting. just trying to "keep it simple" because "easy does it". thanks again.
So glad to 'see' you at the meeting last evening! Be gentle with you and know that you aren't alone!
(((hugs))) and positive thoughts your way that today is a bit easier for ya.
Take care!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So Very Glad you are Here, and Kudos to you for Re-Opening yourself up to this Program again :) I Can Relate totally to the CUT & RUN Reaction as Well... I have pretty Much done that Most of my Life in about Anything that didn't Feel Warm & Fuzzy, Cause Figured Sooner Or Later... I'd Screw that up too... So I Understand A lot of your Feelings and Hurdles you are Trying to Over Come ;) But... You Sure have Landed in the Right Spot :)
I Currently have been in the Same job for 20yrs this Fall... My H & I Run a Small Business and Welp the Economy has Us Wondering how Long we can Hold on without Sinking, the Thought of "Change" has Always Scared the Crap out of me, and I Jump into a FEAR Based Life, and its Hard to Swim up out sometimes, but I'm Doing My best to Ask HP For Guidance as to where I Will End up next, HP Has Always Showed Me I Can Do ANYTHING as Long as I'm Willing...
Do Your Best to Enjoy your Down time, Find what Brings Joy to your Heart and Baby Step your Way in that Direction... Even if it is Getting up Early to Watch the Sun Come up before the Rest of World Knows its Happening :) For Me I Always Enjoyed the Sun Rise because everyone else was still Asleep and I Could Sit with HP awhile ;) Or Maybe its Taking a Short Walk on a Cool Morning or Evening...
I too am a Binger... "Food" Mostly, and if I'm Not Careful I Can indeed Over do it, I Have Learned to Find things to Fill the Gaps when I "Think" Food is the Answer... Like Taking a Walk with My Camera and Enjoying Nature, Or Taking out my Bicycle and finding a Nice Path to Take, and Telling myself, NEXT Time I Will Even go Further... and Baby Stepping My Way till I Can Feel Nothing but HP's Love Surrounding me... Or Finding some Up Beat Music and Putting in my Head Phones and Singing at the Top of My Lungs...lol What Ever Brings Joy is a Good thing Right? Even if I Can't Carry a Tune :D lol
Not sure if any of these are "Doable" for you, However they are what Helps me Come out of the Fog, and Allows Me to Refocus on what's Important :) ME :D
Keep Coming Back... So Very Glad you are Here :) Walking this Journey with us all.... One Day At a Time ;)
