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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Waiting on the Last String to SNAP....
Post Info TOPIC: Waiting on the Last String to SNAP....
Jozie


~*Service Worker*~

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Waiting on the Last String to SNAP....
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Hey Family ...

Just Feeling Deflated today... Not Sure if it is just Life In General or if Something will Surface in the Sharing but at this Point I'm Willing to at Least Try Something....

As Some Know I found my AGram 3 yrs ago and she had a Stroke on Mothers Day.. Today she is Thank God still with Me, and soon to be 91 yrs old... I Help Provide Care for her and Making sure she has the Things She Needs... She is Living in an Assisted Living Home and She seems to Likes it there, She has made a few friends even tho she is very hard to understand unless you are aware of her Illness, but she does well even with that, She seems Accepted by Most...

I Sit with her at least twice a week, Put Lotion on her legs, Paint her Nails, Try to Bring her Joy... I Make sure she is Being Cared for and Nothing Gets Lost in the Motions of Life... She is Very Much One of My Qualifiers of this Disease... She is an Alcoholic and a Gambler, but Thank God she Can't do Either unless some takes her to it, so she is a Bit of a Dry Drunk to say the Least...

In Her Life she has always been a Hard Worker, usually the Sole Provider for her Family, and she is Sharp as a Tack, Very Witty However since the Stroke, her Words get Jumbled and you Truly have to Read between the lines sometimes because to her, she has said it Correctly... (Example: She will Look at My Son know he's a Boy and Say "Well Look at that Beautiful Girl!" or She will Ask me How My Dad Is (He Died) She Means My Husband, She will Call her Son Gary (Clarence or Harry) which was her Brothers)

I think my Problem is I Hold on to So Much 'Resentment' from her Family (Our Family) She has 23 Grandkids/gr. grandkids all within a Reasonable Distance, (only 4 live more then an Hour away) and One Son (3hrs away) and One Daughter (20 mins) away... I'm the Only Grandchild that Visits her, and Checks on her Weekly, Many Times I Find her Crying Because she Is Lonely, or Upset, so I Just don't know what I will get till I Walk thru the Door, But Do My Best to Make it Positive & Happy ... It is So Very Stressful at times, I Just don't know How I Can Keep it Up, but I Just Feel so Terrible that NO One Goes to See her! My Aunt (Her Daughter) has Pretty Much Robbed her Blind since she has been in the Home... She is the One that is Suppose to be Taking care of her Bills/Rent (With Grams Money Not Her Own) and Every time I'm there More Bills Unpaid going to Creditors, has Gram all Upset because she always Paid her Bills on Time, and I TRY Very Hard Not to Push My Resentments over to her... I Cherish Every Moment I have with her Because I know Soon they Will End, I just Can't Let this GO...

Last Night was a Tough One, She Told me She Just Wants to DIE (not the First time)... She Says No One Cares that she is Alive anyway Cause they Don't Visit or Call... (Which Hurts ME Beyond Belief!) She tells me She just don't know why she is Still here and Wont Die... I Try to Reassure her I'd Very Much Miss her Being In my Life, and that I'm Grateful for Every Moment I Get with her, but I Just Feel like it Isn't Enough... I Can't be All things that she Needs & I Know that, But What else Can I Do?

She is the Mom to My Afather that Died from this Disease at 58.... I Went to My F2F Last Night After My Visit, and Just Wanted to CRY the Entire time... I Feel Like there are So Many People Out there with "Bigger" Problems then Mine, So Why am I Pity Potting This?

I have Tried Sharing My Concerns with My Aunt (Her Daughter) and She Ignores them Like I'm Nothing and have No Right Bringing it Up, and like she Truly Don't Care... Which Hurts Even More... I have Tried Talking to My Uncle, but he doesn't Seem to Care either...

HOW Can You Not Care? Its My Gram & I'm Heartbroken to see her Constant Pain... Its their Mom and They have All But wrote her Off...

I Feel Helpless, I Feel Overwhelmed, I Feel I'm Not Doing Enough, I Feel Like this Stabbing Pain in My Chest is Because I'm Rolling back in my Mind to that Little Child that was Shunned and Kicked to the Side as A Child in my Alcoholic Home and Damn it HURTS.... I Try to Stay IN The Moment. One Day at A Time, I Really Do, but Every time I Hear her Say she just would Rather be Dead My Heart Just Breaks All over again and it Robs My Focus for Days... I'm Just at a Loss...

My Fear... I'm Going to Just LOOSE IT ... On Every Last One of them.... And Very Unkindly... Which is NOT Who I Strive to be...

 

Thanks for Letting Me Share....

 

Jozie



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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
mjferg


Senior Member

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My grandmother was an alcoholic,my great grandfather was an alcoholic,my father was an alcoholic and my mother used valium to cope.Needless to say there is a lot of dysfunction in my family and basically I don't try to go there.It is way too big for me to deal with.I try to keep the focus on myself and what I am doing.You say you feel like you aren't doing enough,but when I read it,it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.Also,when I am tired and stressed things look different.Have you done anything for yourself lately?Maybe something relaxing,like a bubble bath.

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Mary
hotrod


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(((Josie)))) Bless your compassionate, caring heart. I do hear you and understand. I am witnessing something similar with my sister. Even though she's only 83 years old and still living in her own home, her children find it difficult to visit, or offer any support except to call her for support and money. Her son returned home for a few months in order to get his affairs in order and has again moved out and she's devastated.

I visit one day a week and once in a while stay over that night. The children complain about visiting, claiming they need vacations and to take care of their own lives, she will not allow anybody in to help her because she is fiercely independent, but she is slipping.

Program helped me tremendously because I stay in my own hula hoop, remind myself that I'm powerless over people places and things, that I can do the best I can and that has to be enough.

Your grandmother's is very fortunate to have you in her life. Learning to detach from what everyone else is doing is hard but is important to your serenity. I found that out myself.

Prayers and positive thoughts for you and grandma



-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 10th of June 2015 07:52:37 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Iamhere


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Oh Josie - huge (((hugs))) to you!

Prayers and positive energy to you from my part of the world. My grandmother lived to be 98 and she too said more than once that she was ready to go and prayed for God to take her.

My AH grandmother lived to be 102 and she also said this. My experience is long lives can be blessings and at times difficult. My Grandmother outlived her husband by almost 35 years and My AH husband outlived her husband for way more + outlived her two children.

They both had outlived friends and just felt they were ready. I thought it hard to hear the first time, but when it happened again, I began to wonder if it's not within 'norm' to get tired of 'here' and ready to move on....I just don't know!

Your writing sounds to me as if you are doing tons and are a blessing for your G-Ma. Since we have absolutely no influence over others, and can primarily rely on our HP to lead us, I'd say you've done great. Your commitment and service work towards her are what feels right for you in your stage of life. So, do it for you and trust HP to take care of the rest.

I've been resentful at times of others in my family not doing 'what they should', and it just ends up with me in a tizzy and them happy in their own worlds. Hard to control that thought process when I go there, but using the program tools and talking it out with a trusted program friend or sponsor often helps lessen the pain/anger/resentment.

Thanks for posting here - my hope is by writing about it, you've already found some relief! I also agree with what's written above me - maybe you need to do a bit of something 'special' just for you - bubble bath, special coffee run, etc. Check out just for a while and hang with HP....

Hang in there!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Jerry F


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Sister you are dedicated and loyal and those are two of the characteristics of a helper person and you're human with expectations of others to step up and join in and then what do you do with the reality of it?  Many times others close to you will not be like you, have your value system and like me you feel let down and hurt and now resentful.  Resentments will hurt you further...Josie hurting Josie and I think that's not a good choice.  Your post reminds me of the  way I was taught to think of the first 3 steps when I came into program.  How I turn things over to hp...."I can't, God can, I'll let God" and then the resentments fade.  At the same time my sponsor taught me to "Kill all expectations" and this one I still do.   No expectations, no resentments.   Bless you and your caring heart and bless you also for the mentoring on how you use it.  

Just before  I read your post a guy drove up my driveway in a lifted 4Runner (I don't like people who use my driveway to turn around) stopped and got out with a big smile on his face.   "Hey Jerry...do you remember me"?  I didn't and made wrong guess which he corrected  telling me that I had helped him one night when the front end of his 4 Runner collapsed at the entry way to our drives.  That was over 2 years ago and he dropped by bringing me a large parcel of lychee fruit in appreciation and to tell me his daughter also wanted to express her gratitude for the help.  There was never an expectation and the lychee taste great.    What goes around comes around and I love the feeling of being blessed.

Stay blessed sister.  (((((hugs)))))



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Jozie


~*Service Worker*~

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(((Mfferg)))

Thank You... For Being here and Sharing your Similarity, It Truly Feels Good when I Know that their are Others, that have the Crazy Train in Gear too... I Cherish the ESH on How You/We walk this Walk...

I Don't have a Bathtub :/ Since We put in the New Bathroom with our Mega Standup Shower... But Boy I Could have Used Someone Tub Yesterday ;)

Thanks for being here...



__________________

Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
Jozie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1558
Date:
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(((( Hotrod)))))

Where Would I be If Not for you And Brother (((((Jerry)))) You Both have Held My Hand Thru Out this Journey and I'm Forever Grateful to the Both of you... I am Doing My Best to Return to My Hula Hoop, and Stay off My Soap Box ;) Your Kindness is Something That I Look Forward to Always... Thanks So Much for Sharing this with Me... I Truly couldn't do it without ya's :)

((((Iamhere)))) THANK YOU... Sincerely... I Have Only Ever Heard some one wish Death One other Time, and I Just took it as them having a Bad Day, but with My Heart being so Tied to Gram it Truly is Hard to Hear, when In my Mind I Hear ... "Your not doing something Right or she wouldn't feel this way!" So Truly... Thank you... Your Experience Helps me See I'm Not Alone and this Could be a Very Normal thing when the age 90+ Comes around. and YES I know A lot if it For Her is She Truly Misses My Dad, and Talks about him all the time (Which is Also Hard at times) He was Her Baby Boy, and She Spoiled him Always... So I know that Pains her as well... So About Just Thank you ;) PS.. I Did Treat Myself to a Coffee Drink :) Thanks...

(((((My Brother to another Mother... Jerry))))
I LOVE that You Get Me.. You Always Have, Since Day One, I respect that so Much you have No Idea... And Of Course You Hit the Nail on the head I "EXPECT" Others to Think like me... and it just isn't so... I had been the Door Mat For So Many Decades till I Found MIP... and You all Showed Me How to Stand Up Again... and Tho it brings me to Tears Just Thinking about How battered I was when I Got Here, I Realize Sometimes Healing Needs Tears, and I Should Never be Shamed by that... Which in My House Meant you were WEAK... I Tried all my Life to Be TOUGH For Others, Yet Never Seem to Stand up For Me... Coming here, Allows Me to be Me, and I'm So Grateful for you... My Continued Prayers on Your Healing and Recovery My Brother... Thank you Always From the bottom of My Heart....

Love ya All for being Here... THANK YOU

Friends in Recovery

Jozie

__________________

Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
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