The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex Ah /ACOA and I were married 18 years and have a beautiful son. We divorced almost 5 years ago. I finally gave up.. Four different counsellors in the last eight years of the marriage and the constant fighting.... He did not want the divorce. But his drinking created Jekyll and Hyde at home... He only drank at home... but he still fully functioned At work and socially. I could no longer take it and I asked him to leave on a temporary separation. As soon as he moved out I felt the weight of 10,0000000 lbs off my shoulders. I did not do my Alanon ... Unfortunately..
so two weeks ago he got married. I would no more want to be married to him again than fly to the moon on my own power. I like my sons new step mom. So WHY have I been insane (on the inside) about this? WHY does this bother me so much? I even have had dreams where I wake up screaming "don't do it... Don't do it!" for about a month and up until the wedding. I even watched the clock for the hour I knew the wedding was going on....
yikes.... What is going on?
-- Edited by Koko on Wednesday 10th of June 2015 01:38:47 AM
Well, I am no expert and a newer person here. My feeling is that it is sort of human nature to have feelings of sadness --even panic -- when they feel like they are being replaced or abandoned. It seems like we all got here (or a fair share of us) with abandonment problems to begin with, which have made us vulnerable to the wily ways of alcohol.
In short, I don't think your feelings are surprising.
I'm sorry that you are going through these feelings. ;-( Sending you hugs...
Spooky
__________________
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I carnt say what's going on for you. I have finally surrendered it's been 10 months I am still grieving the loss of my dreams and not getting the ending I wanted. I worry for him but can not live with the disease and he has stopped fighting it. Even though I don't want him anymore it would be hard to watch him marry someone else. What if she did get my dream of the happy ever after. Al anon has taught me I am only human when I am confused about how I feel I meditate and connect with hp and my answers come. Hp will guide you if you go to him xxxxhugs Tracy xxxx
I believe what you're doing is quite normal and although it is unconscious you are reacting to the Requiem for a dream.
I know that Al-Anon suggests that the three A's are extremely important to living life on life's terms.
Awareness of the problem is the first step , and Acceptance is the most difficult because it is painful. We simply must stop fighting the reality and truly accept the situation as it is. No more fighting No more trying to change it just merely acknowledging the fact this situation exists, and we must move on. I found once I did this, the action was easy. I could just pray and ask HP for help.
KoKo - So sorry for the uncertain emotions and while my world is a bit different, my unexplained go-to emotion of lately is sadness.
I believe in my case that I am still grieving some part of my 'what I thought it would be' fantasy. My head knows and understands that the disease certainly changed many things, but there are triggers for me that take my heart a bit backwards.
If I could identify and readdress those triggers in the hopes of a different process, I certainly would do so. That's what I am working on.
Betty's 3 As are certainly part of my processing. I believe I am going back/forth between Acceptance and Action for a few 'things' or 'events' and praying for the ability to get through this.
And...it's been slower than I want so living in the moment has brought me pockets of peace & serenity. I have worked hard to not anticipate the future as I have no idea what comes next. However, I still at times have fear of the unknown - which of course includes that future that I am trying to leave up to God.
So - I'm not helping you other than to share you are not alone.
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You all have helped a ton, thank you for your responses. I think I am in fact grieving my happily ever after and afraid she might get that with him. I sort of had that for a few years.... She will too probably. It's so hard to feel like I really tried to make it work when things started getting bad and just could not unless I settled for the same thing over and over again. He was jealous of his own son and the attention I paid to our child. I could do nothing right. What a mess. I am glad I am no longer there but I do miss the good. I guess I just wish I could rewind the tapes somehow and fix it.... But even in a do over I need to remember that I would still be powerless. Must give this to hp and remember that I rally never was in control.....
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I think it is quite understandable. As I posted above, I have gone/am going through the same. It comes in waves, but they are smaller and farther apart. I posted some time ago that I ran into my ex and her new girlfriend in the parking lot of a store I frequent. Before they noticed me they were laughing, walking close, beaming with happiness. It was a real gut cruncher. When my ex did notice me, she turned away from me and basically ran away. After I made it through the initial crushing feeling, I thought, "This is a good lesson. That is how she deals with everything that needs to be dealt with head on -- I, on the other hand, tend to face things and keep going forward." Not to say I am not an enabler and have experienced denial. But generally, these two reactions are the difference between us generally. I don't know if this would be helpful for you, but for me realizing that we were doomed from the start because of her disease and my reaction to it somehow makes me feel better. There is nothing I could have done. It does no good for me to reassess it at a distance, because when I am with her I am not at a distance and would not be able to do anything different. I am hoping that with a lot of readjustment, healing, and growth through the program I will be able to have a better life, but I have to leave her behind.
I am not in any way vindictive, and I get no pleasure in knowing this, but knowing both my ex and her (straight, married, with children) girlfriend, I am as sure as I can be that those smiles, laughter, and beaming will evaporate when the "high" wears off. It saddens me that it will do nothing to improve the world (as far as my personal tininess can see).
This may sound really funny, but another thing that gives me comfort is that my family has been within a 17 mile radius of this place for over 200 years. When I start worrying that I might run into those two around town I remind myself that this area is as much a part of my body and soul as the trees that grow here and the very dirt. In that way the landscape, town, weather...everything, becomes a living person that embraces me and recognizes me as a daughter. I don't know how long you've been where you are living, but it is just as much your as your ex's and his new fling's.
Sending hugs!!! You are not alone!!!
Spooky
__________________
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Koko you are being human, its okay to grieve what you had
Hoped for and did not end up getting. This disease is
Truly baffling and cunning. I did everything i could to
Fix what was broken it takes two healthy people to
Make it work though.
My ex will be moving back home after i move out on monday
But the GF and her boys will be coming to visit. I will Try
to keep those thoughts out of my head for my own Sanity.
She has her own house who knows if he will marry Her.
I have yet to see them together so that is all for the good.
I hope to be much stronger and more detached when i do.
It just hurts. It does not help that I am once again married to an AH. I jumped in too fast. He was sober when I met him (a few weeks after divorce was final) and mister wonderful until he started drinking again. I was soooo lonely from all of the years of being ignored and the fighting that I was vulnerable. Boy I wish I had known about HALT then. It rapidly went down hill and we are separated. I had to protect my son and myself. While my current ah is sober, the dry drunk shows up a lot. So I sit in my self pity, wondering if I made a mistake; yet knowing that I did not; then second guessing myself again. Last thing I want to do is quit too soon.... Oh I hate this disease... My disease. I am locked in fear, regret, remorse, what if... My crazy brain will not shut down. I just wish I knew how to get through this feeling about my ex and that situation. Then maybe I could figure out my path forward. The weight of all this is overwhelming.
Koko keep going to face to face meetings and you
Will learn,change and grow in time. It all takes time
There is no easy answer or quick fix.
I still struggle and i have been going for two plus years
Once a week. I could have stood 2-3 mtgs a week
if i had More time. I was at my bottom, i just sat
And cried a lot. The pain was pretty intense and
Overwhelming.
I also saw two therapist both were helpful in leading
Or correcting my thinking. They both told me to leave
Him but i stayed. Xah has been dry for 30 years and i
Thought we had his disease licked wrong on my part
Denial on his. He even attends AA i see no inside or
Thinking Changes in him.
We can only change us not them its hard to accept
And face we are powerless.
Just a thought - there are 2 meetings here each day (check top left for schedule) - just in case you want more meetings and F2F are hard to get to or not close by.
(((Hugs))) - keep working the program and trust HP - all will become clear in his time, not ours.
Take it easy on you!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I recently had to talk to my ex re some stuff with our son. He justified his actions and blamed it all on the kid. Yup... I forgot that narcissism was his favorite tool in the crazy making. I guess this stuff is all coming back to me as I hopefully am going THROUGH this grief... As in get to the other side and get my joy back.
Bless you Koko u have the tools at your hands now to know the difference between what's acceptable and what's not.
nobody can say you took the decision lightly to separate from your ex husband. You seem to have had the life experience within you to instinctively know what to do .....footprints prayer comes to mind.
sometimes there's more than just alcohol involved and if you now identify narcissistic behaviour that's a tough one, well done for having to courage to change the things you could. Your son would also now benefit from Alanon as he will be more affected by the relationship with his father than you. Ask him if he would consider going for therapy for " children of narcissistic parents"
Unfortunately my son woo not consider any inkling that his father might have flaws. He is very defensive of him. His dad is very good at playing victim. I tried to get my son to go and have tried again several times since my current ah stopped drinking. He flat refuses.
Thank you for the words of encouragement. Separating was hard after 18+ years but it was affecting my health. Even with multiple attempts at counseling.... As one counselor said... The fourth wheel fell off.... I also remember wanting to leave far sooner but did not. I know that joint custody would be the outcome. I didn't want to leave until my son was old enough to be able to speak up if there is a problem. One time my ex was playing so roughly with him that he knocked the wind out of the boy and actually hurt his back. If my ex ever got even a slight ouch, he retaliated ten fold. Yet, it wasn't the abuse that law enforcement or a judge would see to do anything about. I should have left long ago but could not for my sons sake.
Thanks again for putting up with my ramblings. I have no idea why now, after five years I seem to be struggling with this like I am.... All I can figure is that I was walking around numb and didn't fully process the grief.... Until now when ex ah gets married. Funny how my brain works...
When I was where you are at now my sponsor and counselor and I would discuss my investment in the relationship with my alcoholic/addict. I was very invested mind, body, spirit and emotions and would not just easily talk my way out of relationship. I had to work my way out of it keeping in mind how much I had invested. Each time this situation came up again I reminded myself of my investment and that I wasn't done yet and had more re-programming to do. I kept working the steps, traditions, slogans, literature and all other Al-Anon tools with it until all that was left was unconditional love and I could turn away having let her/it go. One of the reminders of the program is that it works when we work it...keep working it and thanks for sharing it cause that helps others work it also. ((((hugs))))
Its the addiction within us, thats the disease working on us. They are addicted to the alcohol, we are addicted to the alcoholic and the excitement and drama that goes along with it. If you want to recover from this then alanon was my treatment.x
Please give yourself permission to feel whatever you want or need. You deserve the choice of deciding what you want to feel and how deeply to feel it. The end of a marriage is like a death and you must grieve befor you can heal. It doesn't really matter how badly you wanted out...it is still the death of a relationship...one that truly controlled your life for many many years.
Please give yourself permission to be happy again. It will come when you stop struggling to hold on so hard.
Peace be with you my friend. You can let go now...:)
Thank you everyone. Now on to grieving the current relationship with my dry drunk husband. He just walked out of my home after a sleepless night because he was pissy over a vacation I took with my son .... He can't sleep but he damn sure snores a lot. He said my snore appliance is over there but.... Snore... No sleep for me and when I called him on it.... He got mad and said I was selfish.
Oh (((KoKo))) - my personal experience is there is no rational discussion with an irrational person and most active Alcoholics are not rational.
Perhaps it's time to take a nap since he's gone....I plan to do so in a short while as naps are very acceptable in my program! Especially if I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT).
Just keep working your program and tend to your needs. We're here for you if needed!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere. I know the part about rational discussion with active alcoholic. I mistakenly thought a sober one would be different. It's not. But the good news here.... Drum roll please...
All this week I have been asking HP for help remembering the issues that caused the breakup with my ex.... Today my kiddo wants a usb drive for his video games. So I dig up some old one and start trying to consolidate and clear one off for him. I found the treasure trove of he letters, history, some journaling. I didn't even remember that I had this stuff! Thank you thank you thank you.... HP thank you!
-- Edited by Koko on Sunday 14th of June 2015 01:31:20 PM
Awesome KoKo - HP works in mysterious ways and gives us exactly what we need!!!
(((KoKo))) - make it a great day!
PS - still like the nap idea -- ha-ha-ha!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
