The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For most of my 13 years with my AW I had undiagnosed ADD. After being diagnosed 2 years ago and learning about the condition, I realized how similar it is to being with an alcoholic in terms of relationship issues. It's so much more than just being forgetful, just like being an alcoholic is so much more than just enjoying too many drinks. Talk about a disaster waiting to happen! It's amazing we lasted this long.
Even though my marriage isn't going to work out (we separated in September and by January she met someone new, had never felt this way before, would I like to meet him?! etc), I'm grateful I had this opportunity to learn about myself. Not that ADD defines me, but it's been so helpful to see the impact it's had on my self esteem, my social relationships...it's a bigger deal than I ever gave it credit for. The ADD brain craves stimulation, and this coupled with the fact I had a crazy mother is one helluva one-two punch for me growing up to fall for crazy women. A behavior I hope to remedy when I'm ready to date again.
Yep. I tell everyone to imagine a radio with a broken tuner that scans all the time, and then when it locks onto a station, you can't change it. Can't start a book because if I like it, I won't do anything else until I finish it. High functioning and low performing. ADD makes it really hard to let go of resentment and anger. Al-anon helps a lot in that respect.
With ADD life is just one distraction after another, so order is important for me. Not so with my AW. Alcoholism thrives on chaos, so I've lived in excruciating turmoil for basically my entire life (crazy parent as well).
You know I have worked with a lot of little boys who were labeled ADD by the school or their parents and often medicated for something that is just part of their make up. My husband has ADD I am sure and so has my son. When son was in college, he was studying behavior and asked me if I thought he could have that condition. I told him I knew he had it and so what. To me, a definitely NOT ADD person, it makes for a very interesting, active, thinking out of the box person. And I suspect that our early pioneers would all have had this label were they alive today. Just wish more teachers understood the condition and set up the classrooms to adapt to this behavior- lots of breaks, lots of room for movement even in lessons etc.
I worked with so many little guys with this behavior who were convinced already in the early grades that they were stupid. It just makes me so darn mad even now to realize how their self esteem was damaged because they did not fit the model. Because so many of those little guys were really bright and would have flourished in different circumstances. Not talking ADHD here because that is a whole different story.
So those of you who have this, celebrate what you are and how well you are doing and refuse to accept a label that is just so wrong for you wonderful people. There.... off my soap box now.
I think times are changing slowly in regards to this. The WWII generation, who were all taught "one way is the right way" (as a means to survival as they were shipped off to fight and die by the thousands), gave way to the Boomers who were reeling from authoritarian regime of their parents. They developed the myriad of psych meds that they inflicted on their children as a means of trying to shoehorn them into the standard classroom setting. Over the last 20 years, there has been a rise of alternative educational systems that are doing better at meeting the diverse needs of their students (better being the operative word).
I was only labeled ADD at 45, when I finally want to see a psychologist on my own and underwent a lengthy barrage of testing. If I had had access to the services available today in the area where I went to school, I would have been far more successful.
It didn't help that I was reared by an insane man who suffered from PTSD and was old enough to be my grandparent. Needless to say the generation gap between the WWII generation and the post-boomer generation was immense and the disconnect was irreparable.
I'm not a Boomer, not an X-er, I'm gen-Y (read "generation Why?"). I enjoy both the Beatles and Nirvana, and was the only person in my grade school class who had any idea who the Andrews Sisters were or that could sing Mairzy-Doats and Dosy-Doats.
When concentrating on traditional text books and math homework is already a problem, having a raging person screaming at you to sit still and do your homework does not help. Even though I tested in the 99th percentile on all standardized test, and was told repeatedly that I should have no problem completing school work, it was a near impossibility. The nature part (ADD) was definitely there as a child, the nurture part ("Sit there until all your work is done OR ELSE") exacerbated the nature. The seeds for failure were planted young. I spent my entire education and subsequent attempts at establishing a career watching people who I knew were less intellectually gifted than I zoom past me.
When I apply all my education and intellect to examining the nature of my self, and the nature of my upbringing I can reach only one conclusion. It sucks.
So those of you who have this, celebrate what you are and how well you are doing and refuse to accept a label that is just so wrong for you wonderful people.
I hear where you're coming from, but in my case the label has been empowering. I wouldn't trade my brain for anything...I LOVE the way it works. But I think it's a mistake to romanticize the disorder completely. The label allows me to embrace the gifts that come along with it, but also to take ownership of the potential drawbacks. My listening skills, working memory, and impulsive behavior can all be damaging to my relationships. I might not mean some of the things I say impulsively, but once spoken they can't be unspoken. I once hit my son when he was 2 years old, just for behaving like a 2 year old. Also for the longest time I've prided myself on being brutally honest. I convinced myself that my brutal honesty was a badge of pride, without ever stopping to consider if it was the honesty or the brutality that I was truly valuing. That's the kind of behavior I won't accept from myself. It doesn't make me a "bad" father, but it forces me to acknowledge my shortcomings so I can take appropriate action to minimize the damaging aspects. Proper sleep, a balanced diet high in Tyrosine, exercise, and meditation (although I still suck at it) all help me control my symptoms better. Only in acknowledging my potential to be abusive can I take steps to make sure that I won't be. I hope this makes some sense.
I think my mother also has many symptoms of ADHD, and to this day she refuses to accept any shortcomings on her part. All I can do is understand how her behavior affected me as a child, how she made me feel, and apply that to my own parenting. I won't be a perfect dad, or a perfect mate, but I can be better than I was. I think that's the best we can do, and all we can ask of anyone else.
All that said, I have to admit I'm curious how much of "ADD" is actually a result of neglectful parenting, where kids are forced to self entertain instead of having the benefit of attuned parents.
I know my brain was ADDish when I was at my worst with the Alcoholic in my life meaning I could not think of anything but problems, literally would be in church or at any kind of meeting and could not hear what was being said because all I thought about was hurt or pain and why and poor me or what can I do bla bla.. I couldn't really watch TV or enjoy time with family I was never "present".
It took a lot of work on my part--I changed and at times can relax and enjoy life- but I have a tendency to "fixate" on emotional things, when my feelings are hurt etc..
I've woken up the past two mornings thinking of a family thing so much that I couldn't sleep that I didn't really want to be thinking about. - good news is as my day went on I did think of other things but those morning thoughts still get me sometime. It may also be partly harmones at this point I think.
BUT at least now I know when my brain is focusing too much on one thing and I can sometimes get it back on track, especially when I post about things here,, to speak to people who understand or want to understand, real empathy is a great healer!
Is that anything like the ADD you guys struggle with ? ?
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 9th of June 2015 11:01:55 AM
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 9th of June 2015 11:02:23 AM
Thank you so much for sharing ;) I was a crazy woman coming into my relationship, luckily I found a program five months later and I've been in alanon and other programs ever since. Today I'm grateful to my ADHD sig other and my ADHD stepsons as I would not have a program or been on this spiritual journey had they not been in my life. For the first three years I had no idea, they had ADHD, one day when I was other and outer focused and trying to figure out what was wrong with them(lol), I stumbled across the answer. I felt so much guilt and shame, because I truly thought they did the things they did to piss me off. I thought it was all about me. I was filled with compassion and empathy and for me it was one of my spiritual awakenings , God knew I was ready to know. I prayed about it, and decided to share with my partner. I was afraid he would freak out. He was receptive right away, he knew he had it. I realized later that my mom probably has it as well. I may have it slightly as well, sometimes I can't focus when others are sharing. I really have to put a effort into it. I do wonder as well if it is partly conditioned through childhood, because my mom has a hard time listening and interrupts me when I'm talking. Im grateful today to all my teachers..teaching me patience, tolerance and acceptance. Our life and relationship isn't perfect today but it's 95 % better than it was when I came into alanon. We all still have slips, but there is a lot of peace and serenity in our home these days. I'm grateful that I decided to stick it out with him, there were times when I didn't think I would. I have to be very patient with him;) thank you for letting me share.
__________________
I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Yep. I tell everyone to imagine a radio with a broken tuner that scans all the time, and then when it locks onto a station, you can't change it. Can't start a book because if I like it, I won't do anything else until I finish it. High functioning and low performing. ADD makes it really hard to let go of resentment and anger. Al-anon helps a lot in that respect.
With ADD life is just one distraction after another, so order is important for me. Not so with my AW. Alcoholism thrives on chaos, so I've lived in excruciating turmoil for basically my entire life (crazy parent as well).
I just reread your post today and realized how much I can relate to it. "ADD makes it really hard to let go...." and I think THIS is why I chose to post about ADD in a recovery forum. I'm finding that Al Anon is helpful in more affairs than just dealing with the A in our lives.
glad - I do think it's interesting how there seems to be overlap in ADD symptoms and other issues. I've also dealt with mild depression (something a lot of us have felt I believe) and the symptoms of depression also include poor focus, rumination, etc. So maybe at the end of the day it doesn't matter so much as what we label it, but that we have a means to talk about things and people that care enough to understand us. And a program to heal us :)
karma - I smiled so much while reading your share! I'm so glad that you were patient with the people in your life who have ADHD. I can tell you from my own experience that having a partner who just TRIES to understand us is a God send. Unfortunately my AW never wanted to learn about ADHD along with me. When she wanted to talk, which was often, she wanted me to listen. If I was in the middle of cooking dinner with a kid clinging to my leg, it didn't matter to her that I struggled to pay attention. All that mattered in her eyes was that I wasn't able to hear her immediately and took it personally every time. Just like I took some of her behavior personally when it was the disease in control.
Anyway, I'm really glad to hear that you have a lot of peace and serenity in your home. It warms my heart! It sounds like you're doing great.
I can tell you from my own experience that having a partner who just TRIES to understand us is a God send. Unfortunately my AW never wanted to learn about ADHD along with me. When she wanted to talk, which was often, she wanted me to listen. If I was in the middle of cooking dinner with a kid clinging to my leg, it didn't matter to her that I struggled to pay attention. All that mattered in her eyes was that I wasn't able to hear her immediately and took it personally every time.
Yeah, this one is a killer. I'll be elbow deep in computer code, which takes all my mental energy and she will decide she has to tell me about something that one of her friends friends thought they might have heard about someone I don't know. And if I REALLY want my work interrupted, and can politely say "can you tell me about this later?" and she will huff off into the kitchen and start banging pots and pans around. I just stare at her dead-eyed and wait for her to finish, amazed at how she can completely ignore my cues. I don't even think about discussing ADD with her. To her, my nearsightedness is a character flaw! It's like she resents me for needing glasses! If I were to go into the struggles of ADD, she'd probably hire a hitman. (No...I'm not bitter. I Better dive back into the program. SERENITY NOW!!!)
