my ex partner has been calling and leaving many messages .. I have been hearing all the I still have feelings for you .. the I want us to be a family .. the I am willing to make big changes ... I have made big changes .. I have done some growing up .. I think we could be a family .. etc .. (if anyone remembers my sharing on him there were some blatantly crazy times: I do Not want to repeat them)

I have not responded to this person .. other than one message I left about why I am not answering his calls .. I left it on my greeting and screened my calls.. no one else heard the greeting .. I changed it the second he called .. was simple .. didn't attempt to explain anything and only left that after about the 50th call literally.

So now just observing how this happens on a deeper level though .. how I used to get sucked in (how the disease is so sick and powerful without hp it Still has power 'over 'me ('me) being the key word) power 'over me not hp .. have to say that twice (for myself) .. aware of all the manipulating (using words to get us to feel a certain way) .. but seeing even though I am not in the 'same place I used to be ..even without speaking to this person, the disease is so powerful the words alone are effecting me ..  they linger .. just more words by the alcoholic and less by higher power .. definitely need to be putting more words in me by my higher power .. fully aware of the insanity it would be to step 'back into .. but needing to share what's happening in me .. just being honest without holding secrets .. or secret stuffed feelings .. My own diseased mind is so entirely baffling manipulating a small part of me is creeping in wanting to whisper well maybe wouldn't hurt to just hear him out .. I have heard it all before .. I see the performance in this .. Sigh ..

where I am right now is more about me than it is about him .. the effects in me .. I realized doing a 4th on the resentments I have with his even calling 'now .. I am beginning to listen to him and what I recognize I am beginning to feel (in the background) is the humiliation <-- abuse .. emotional abuse .. his just erasing all the 'harm he has done (no amends in sight) .. his wanting me to tell our daughter she's daddy's girl after all these years of abandonment ? really ?? and to play into his putting on a good show for the family and neighboring viewers ? humiliating ..

I dunno if this post even reads sense fully .. i'm just throwing it out here .. literally . realizing even thinking of him at times there is still confusion .. why does that even surprise 'me .. sorta like the disease should no longer get the best of me .. maybe ego .. dunno