I don't know if you have seen any of my posts -- I don't want to repeat myself over and over. But I also find many things repeated here by us all and it is because all our situations are so similar. Sometimes they are identical. My AW up and left while revealing she was having an affair a couple months ago. I was so deep in a fog about how bad things had gotten that it was a surprise to me. It was if I was walking dead or something. When she left she said, essentially that I was the problem because I was shut down -- but, like you, I had endured endless rage attacks on her part (yelling horrible, abusive things, accusing me of terrible things I hadn't done, kicking in doors, breaking my things -- like a special present from my son -- and even slapping me). Her harangues would go on for hours, sometimes days. I would (so typical I now know) try to calm her, reason with her, walk away...nothing worked (the kicking in the door incident happened when I escapes one of these diatribes and went into a room and locked the door to get away from it). Twice in six years I reacted physically -- no excuse -- once I threw a bag of crackers at the wall when I felt like I was going insane after hours of abuse, and once I hit the bathroom door in frustration and accidentally shattered a mirror (which ended up making it look way more dramatic than it would have otherwise). No matter how often she abused me, if I spoke up or said that I thought she was abusive, she would always bring up that cracker incident! LOL In her mind it was really equal to everything she had done.

I have only been in Al-Anon a short time but now I realize I had many more choices than I thought at the time. I could have left the house, or left period, as you have done. When we are living in that insanity we are not well. We don't see our choices, our options, or responsibilities to ourselves. We doubt our basic sense of reality because the relationship is so insane. But there is some little part of us that seems to know and urge us toward self preservation. In my opinion, that is the part of you that recorded your AH's rage. Somehow you had to break through and prove to yourself his abuse and insanity were real.

You are strong and brave and I am so proud of you. When my AW left me, I thought I was going to die. I thought if I didn't just turn to ashes from the pain I would go out and buy a gun and have done with it to get out of the agony. You are way ahead of me -- it took me weeks to realize I was grieving the person I thought I once had, or perhaps had for a short time before the alcohol ruined everything. It is very insightful for you to see that.

Even though I have gained a lot of strength from Al-Anon -- online, meetings, sponsor, etc -- I still ask myself what I would do if she showed up on the doorstep. I am glad to say my answer has changed over these many weeks. At first I would have welcomed her back and "put it all behind us." Now, I can't say that I would take her back. For sure I wouldn't live with her. It would take living apart, going to counseling together and separately, and for her to get "actually" sober -- because in my opinion she was a dry drunk even though she had been in the program for a while. But then I always get to this point and something deep inside says, "But could you ever trust her again?" As long as that answer is no, I deserve better. I think you do, to. We aren't supposed to give advice, so I will try to stay clear of that, but I am praying for you to stay strong, know you are not by any means alone, and you can feel peace -- maybe even sooner than you think.

Sending hugs,

Dawn

your response is truly appreciated. Strength is something we don't realize we have until we take that first step and push ourselves through the opening choice. I have come to realize that with this disease the feeling of being alone is a big. I walk around on my apt on day 3 of not having him here and I can feel that tension in my body starting to subside. This feeling I didn't realize was consuming my soul and energies for quite a while now. you and i are running similar paths at the moment. I'm understanding why the saying it takes time is so heavily requoted. The first day I thought I cant do this. The second day a little crying was shed. this morning I'm feeling glimpses of that jovial Man I once was. Taking time to pet my pups and smiling at them. At work I'm able to communicate without worrying what will he think or say to destroy my thought process. It's amazing how much it affects us. And it's also amazing how much of human instinct is to react to them. No longer. I find myself even in conversations shutting up. Turning my mouth piece of and just listening. Not opening or offering like I would. People don't need my help. I choose to help them. I need to help only myself. Focus on me and what I want. I will always operate to the best of abilities to be a good person but will try to no longer fix or advise people. If I'm asked for advice then I may share. Otherwise it's my opinion nothing more. I was told once opinions are like assholes everyone has one. People all have different points of view as well. With this knowledge and praying to HP, guardian angels, spirit guides, and the universe my mind is finally slowing down and calming down. I like who I am. I actually like me A lot. I'm responsible,great communicator, patient, loving,caring,sympathetic, becoming a great listener and stronger then I ever realized. Go me. It truly comes from within. My heart is still unsure on day 3 how and what I will handle with my AH at this point.im going to let the TV show play out on its own. He will either be a permanent star on my show or he will slowly face away like a tired actor. Time will tell on this. I love him still but now I wonder who I love more. Him or I?

Lovejailed wrote

"People all have different points of view as well. With this knowledge and praying to HP, guardian angels, spirit guides, and the universe my mind is finally slowing down and calming down. I like who I am. I actually like me A lot.

I'm responsible,great communicator, patient, loving,caring,sympathetic, becoming a great listener and stronger then I ever realized. Go me. It truly comes from within. My heart is still unsure on day 3 how and what I will handle with my AH at this point.im going to let the TV show play out on its own. He will either be a permanent star on my show or he will slowly face away like a tired actor. Time will tell on this. I love him still but now I wonder who I love more. Him or I?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Powerful message and great asset and gratitude list.  Keep coming back and sharing the journey.