The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon addresses resentment in a way that is particularly meaningful to me and my journey of recovery.
The text acknowledges the we hear of the warnings about holding resentment many times while reading AlAnon literature. If I find myself struggling with resentment, however, I need not feel that I am weak, hopeless, or otherwise unworthy of hope, serenity, and love. It perhaps it is only the most enlightened of individuals who does not feel resentful when another person's actions strike us as unfair or unwanted.
Despite our knowing the incredibly unpleasant feeling with which resentment engulfs us, self-will alone is not successful in taking it away. Often the very act of struggling with the actual resentment increases our agitation and actually amplifies it.
What can we do?
As AlAnon so often directs us, we can look at what is going on within ourselves. We can recognize that resentment brings harm to us, and little change to the situation or person we resent. Then, rather then continually joust with the resentful feelings, we can see them as a signal that that there is an underlying issue that we are reacting to (often unmet expectations) and explore and address the real cause.
Reminder:
Remind myself that resentment can fill me up with a weight that only I carry, leaving little or no room for a positive, AlAnon way of life. Rather than wrestle stubbornly against the resentment, try giving thought to why I feel it, and allow it to drift away as we acknowledge the cause.
For one AlAnon member, the best cure was continual practice of gratitude; filling up with positives left less room for brooding on things out of their control.
As Nietzsche observed: "Nothing on earth consumes a man more completely than the passion of resentment".
AlAnon helped me look within myself and see that most, if not all, of my resentment came from unmet, and often unrealistic expectations. I realized within myself that resentment truly took on a life of its own, often becoming bigger than the original issue of contention. Being completely honest with myself, I also so that I didn't want to let go of the resentment, for to do so meant not seeking retribution...and I wanted someone to pay for what they did.
My feelings of resentment tell me that I have slipped into focusing on something I cannot, or should not, control. It is a reminder to me that I am using old thinking, proven to be unsuccessful.
I have had great success pulling up the the first part of the Serenity Prayer: Accept the things I can't control. This reminds me that I have a choice: Focus on the real or perceived "wrong" and damage myself, or let it go and move forward with my life, on my positive terms. I am so grateful for AlAnon, as pages like today's and so many others like it help me to change my perspective and find peace...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Enigmatic. Resentment is a tough one for me. I've felt strong resentment about so many things for so many years, that it's a huge part of my identity.
What came to mind for me after reading your post is that I harbor resentment for individual items, and yet another large resentment for what might be considered an umbrella for the items. I came into my relationship with expectations, and I would assume that my A did as well. Unfortunately I assumed they were similar and it turns out they are not, or at least I'll never know because alcohol has taken over to such a degree that no discussion is possible and she is unable to set goals or have any meaningful aspirations.
I'm working to change my way of thinking to, instead of letting individual items go, simply close the whole umbrella and toss it in the trash.
The disease owns my A at this time and there is nothing I can do about it. Time to live ODAT, and enjoy the days without the huge umbrella of resentment casting a shadow on both the past and the future.
Great post and much thanks to you for the the daily.
I am of the group that works hard to fill up with gratitude. The way that I see my life today - I am grateful each morning I open my eyes as based on some of my life choices, I should not still be on this earth.
The attitude of gratitude for me helps drive me to action. I try best I can to do for others each day - as simple as holding a door at the grocery store/post office or getting a cart for another. I allow cars to enter in front of me and other small 'actions' that give me a feeling of contributing in a positive way.
I just can not afford resentments today. Whenever I am bothered by the actions of another, I do an immediate mini 4th step so as to give it over. Harboring all those resentments for all those years has caused some physical issues that I am trying to manage and less stress is my goal for that.
In my experience, if I rely on my HP and my program and flow through the day, not too much can/will affect me. When one of my As snaps at me, I tend to just ask God to take care of them as they are ill and let it go.
Again - thanks for the post and daily!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi EnigmaticThank you sharing this enlightening reading from the ODA T. I carried around a ton of resentments when I first walked in the doors of Al-Anon and really did not have a clue what the underlying cause was nor how I could be rid myself of them.
As the reading noted by going inward, keeping the focus on myself. I was able to understand and accept that these resentments were caused by not only unrealistic expectations of myself and others but also because of my unrealistic expectation of the world and life itself.
As was noted making a gratitude list and praying instead of obsessing on resentment. Really, really did help. I love how Al-Anon gives me the permission to be human and not beat myself up over issues.
Thank you all for your added thoughts, all very helpful on the topic. Resentment springs forth so easily, and yet at times, or with particular issues, can be so challenging to quench. The principals and tools in AlAnon have helped me so much, and I learn daily from the ESH shared by everyone on the board. Thank you all...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I have struggled with this somewhat as well. Recentlly, after my ex left, I was thinking, "how can I ever trust or deeply love again? She broke every promise she ever made to me." I have waves of resentment where I will think, "But you promised you would do such and such! and now here you are, off with this other person, and you have broken all our vows, etc." But the more I have been thinking about it -- and I know this is kind of a "duh" thing -- I have always put my trust in the wrong people. Not my friends, but certainly my lovers/partners. Of course you can't trust an active/dry alcoholic to do what they promise! LOL Overall I think I need to work on trusting trustworthy people. Not that they would never hurt me -- but it would not be intentional hurt or repeated hurt from neglect and abuse. So there is a part of me, in terms of resentment, that masks my anger at myself rather than the other person. There was usually a small, still voice that said, "You can't trust this person to be in true partnership with you." WHen I ignored it and got burned, resentment is the band-aid I put on it. XO
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
