The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about how many of us, before working the program, not only lived with a roller coaster ride of chaos but were addicted to it. I don't think I really understood that in some way I was seeking chaos out until I started to experience life without it on a daily basis. I remember hearing that for people who are abused physically, one of the reasons it is difficult to leave is because it is what they know...the unknown is far scarier than the abuse they are living in. Although I have never been physically abused I can relate to that thought process. Many years ago I realized as difficult as it was when my then H was on a 'binge night', there was a flip side of relief to it for me because I knew a night like that came with at least two or three days off. It took me a long while to see that was not the way I REALLY wanted to live!
The reading points out that once we are consistently working a program with meetings, readings, a sponsor, working the steps and we start to accept some moments of serenity, we can start to implement those moments into growing (I'm imagining pushing a snowball around until it gathers enough snow to be the base of a snowman) into what our lives are all about.
I'm grateful that these days my life is grounded more in serenity than chaos, there's far more peace than the roller coaster or merry-go-round and I am thankful that when I am tempted to get on the carnival rides again the strength of the program surrounds me.
Thank You Mary. I've known for some time that I've been addicted to misery. It's been a way of life for as long as I can remember, even before my relationship with my A.
I am so grateful to Al-Anon and everyone here. I've never experienced a group of people, working together to help each other in this way. In only 2 weeks I have made strides that I thought were impossible for me and I'm just getting started!
On occasion I feel overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have such a long way to go, but I have hope again, and feel that each day has the potential to be better than yesterday. If I can handle a little bit of the business in the past, it's a great day, but the best result so far is that I've slowed down the pattern of having every day increase the misery with only more to look forward to in the future.
I always avoided working through the past because there is too much to handle in the present. Digging through the dirt seemed like something that would take far too long and hurt way too much. It never occurred to me that there would be immediate benefits NOW that would affect tomorrow in such a positive and demonstrable manner.
With starting to get a handle on today, I can see being able to chip away at issues in the past as a less daunting task. I think of it as a hobby. Something challenging that may be difficult, but is fulfilling and ultimately makes today even better.
Again, and it can't be said enough, THANK YOU to all!
Thank you Mary for sharing on today's reading in Hope for Today. I smiled when I read your account and remembered that when I first entered program and I heard the serenity prayer. I thought, "Boy serenity sounds boring."" I don't think I want that!" How wrong I was!
I let that thought go and decided to keep showing up, because I was in so much pain filled with anger and resentment.
Using the tools, attending meetings, working with the slogans and a sponsor- one day I fleetingly felt the priceless gift of "serenity'. I was startled and thought what was that? And the small voice within whispered, "SERENITY". . I will always remember that day, because from that day on, I determined to work this program diligently and not only get a fleeting glimpse of serenity and embrace it into my being.
Today, thanks to this program, the anger, resentment, self-pity and fear, which lived so deeply within has been lifted and replaced with serenity. From that base, I can still feel anger and fear, but with Al-Anon tools they do not take up residence.:)_
Thanks, Mary. I can see now I did not release my grip on chaos until I could trust my HP. That was a slow process. I too thought serenity sounded drab. I was twisted. I lived like a gerbil on a wheel. At the same time, I was miserable and promised myself I would honor my commitment to attend AlAnon meetings. It was there I gradually shifted to the healthier choice. I could not grasp it on my own. It took other people modeling its benefits for me to even want that for me. I just knew my old was wasn't working for me.
I am so grateful the chaos holds no allure for me now. l love the benefits of working this program. It is modeled for me by my gurus in meetings and here. Thanks to all.
Thanks for your post and the details! I remember the first few meetings I sat in - I felt so broken....I felt so sad, mad, rage, etc. all at once almost and knew from other program experience that the peace and joy and love present were possible. I honestly didn't know if I could 'hold on' until 'it' arrived.
I was so darn grateful for the 3 Cs and for those who were willing to tell me they loved me and that it would be OK. When I was in the throws of that chaos, I seriously didn't think it would be OK. I was willing at that point to settle for breathing without pain/tears.
I remember many times in the first year slipping and wanting to say, Yeah but.....
And then, by working the steps & getting a sponsor and using the tools, I was examining my day one evening and realized that it had been a calm/good/serene day! I thought....darn - that was great -- wish I knew this morning how peaceful today was going to be....(old habits die hard).
Not every day is grand but with the tools, you folks, my sponsor and program I have so many more peaceful and serene moments than not - and I am so grateful.
I often now say in meetings that I LOVE MY BORING LIFE....and that would not be possible had I not found MIP & Alanon!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I went to face to face on Sunday and we had several newcomers. All they could do was sit there and cry. I remember being in that place through my first few meetings and my heart really went out to them. When I shared I said much that mirrored AlmostThere's comments: how in such a short time I had grabbed on to hope, could see light at the end of the tunnel, and realized that while I had far to go it would be a lifetime journey and there was no race to run. I am enjoying my moments of serenity and have faith they will grow longer over time.
Lots of love,
Dawn
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
