The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hoping to hear from anyone who has managed to restore love, trust and intimacy to a damaged relationship when both get help. I'm sure they are out there, but unfortunately they probably no longer feel the need to visit this board. I wish they would.
Yes, that's what I was thinking when I posted that. F2F is where they are. I have little hope for my relationship because my AW is still deep in denial, but I know of a younger couple that are both seeking help and I want them to find hope. Thanks!!
I've seen all kinds of marriage/relationship success in both sides and between the program(s). I will agree it is more often seen/witnessed in F2F meetings.
This is also a difficult question to answer as how I define success is more than likely different than you do. There are ages, stages, personalities, values, morals, etc. that all play into how one defines success.
My point - I love my AH, or I wouldn't stay. Maybe I can trust my AH, stay married and have intimacy. But - he may still be drinking and/or making immoral choices (cheating on taxes, having affairs). My boundaries and program may accept this; yours may not. (This is an example only....I do our taxes!)
My parent define success by what you have (possessions), what you make (salary), what you do (title), etc. I do not. I can be broke as he!!, sleeping in a tent and flipping burgers for my next meal. But, if I am sober and at peace, I am a huge success in my eyes!!
Success to me is an individual measurement and I have and am successful in spite of married, divorced, shacking up or single.
Where there is breath, there is always hope. Hope fades only when one is 6 feet under!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I was able to do so after he and I had been in recovery for 5 years. It took a long time before all the feelings returned and I was able to let go of the anger and pain.
He died of cancer two YEARS later I was grateful for those years
I want to have hope for my marriage. I want to believe that my husband wants to get well, and I sure want to get well!
This morning, he said he wants to go back to Europe. It brought up the memories of our last trip, (6 weeks of him being drunk every day), and I wanted to talk about it, so he knew how hurtful that was. His response was "You are just going to have to get over it".
What I wanted him to say was "Next time there will be no alcohol, we can take walks through neighborhoods and enjoy the trip without the focus being on alcohol". Or anything that resembled that.
But he was defensive and shouted that he was sorry. It makes it hard to have hope, but maybe he really is sorry. It is hard to believe him because of his track record. But I sure want to.
I am brand new to this board, and relatively new to AlAnon, having returned to the rooms ready for recovery in November of '14. I'm not sure this qualifies as a success story, but rather, how I am trying to apply what I am learning in
I came back to the rooms of AlAnon after my AW was arrested for her 3rd OWI, and this time our 9 year old daughter and her two teenage sons were in the vehicle with her. Her BAC was .19 at the time of her arrest. As I drove to pick up my daughter from the scene of the arrest, I had made in my mind every single decision I felt needed to be made, right then and there. I was going to file for divorce. I was going to get primary placement of my daughter. I was going to have legal custody. Etc, etc, etc. After bailing her out of jail the next day, and at her urging, I took her to a local addiction hospital for Detox. That night I went to visit my pastor (an Alcoholic in recovery for over 14 years) for guidance. His guidance, in short, 'Get your butt to AlAnon. Don't walk ... RUN!'. Back at the Detox hospital, my wife was being told 'Check your butt into an Inpatient Treatment Center ... don't walk ... RUN!'. We each took the advice offered, and we have been working our individual recoveries ever since.
One of the first things someone at an AlAnon beginner meeting told me in the very early days was that while no one there was about to tell me what to do about my marriage, they did tell me that it would be wise to give myself a chance to heal before I tried to make any major decisions. I took that advice and have tried to take it one day at a time as best I can.
The aftermath of our collective bottom has been filled with consequences that are difficult to deal with, especially without anger or resentment. Jail time ... fines ... only one of us able to drive to do things like take out daughter to events, grocery shop, etc ... not to mention the empty 'trust accounts' and memories of years of treating each other very badly still very visable in our rear view mirrors, which are hard not to glance at from time to time no matter how unproductive they are, or how much each of us may know that we simply didn't know any better back then. However, we are still together, we are both working our programs, and we are now doing the best we can with some tools we never had before, which gives us both hope that we can rebuild our family and our marriage. Neither of us accepts the break up of our marriage and family as a given. However, we both know that having them is no gaurantee of success either. Being active in our respective programs we see just as many couples who grew apart in recovery, as we see couples that have built something even more spectacular than they ever had before. Our pastor and his wife are the best examples we see of that up close.
In the end, it comes down to taking it a day at a time, and turning the fears of what might or might not happen over to our HP. I, like you, want it to work. I believe she does too. But there are challenges that sometimes seem to big to overcome. When I bring these fears to my Sponsor, and I share with him that I need to know what will or won't happen, he constantly reminds me that no matter how much I want answers, 'I will know when I need to know, and a not a moment sooner'. He then encourages me to turn it over to my HP, and go back to working on that which I know, and to focus on me and my healing. I need this reminder from my Sponsor pretty regularly, but it seems the frequency is slowing, and I am slowly starting to trust my HP to reveal to me what I need to know, when I actually need to know it. And ... I'm still married, and we are both working our recovery. I'm grateful for that today, and will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
Hang in there ... work your program ... let him work his. Trust that your HP will let you know what you need to know, when you need to know it. Until then, be grateful for what you have today.
I too welcome you to MIP! So glad you found us and appreciate your story!
Thanks for sharing your ESH!
Make it a great night!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is possible to have a relationship with an alcoholic , I have been married 50 yrs , 25 of which have been in sobriety . Because of this program i was able to stay in my marriage altho husb continued to drink for another 4 yrs , I used those 4 yrs to get my life back on track and learned how to be happy regardless of what he was doing. Because of the support of my Al-Anon friends they gave me the courage I lacked prior to getting here, when sobriety did come into our home I was prepared * the first couple of yrs were not easy * but I learned to mind my own business and leave his recovery to him. If both people in a relationship are going in the same direction life gets better. Patience is a must , keep expectations low and enjoy ..miracles happen every day .I still attend 3 f2f meetings a week , I go for me to keep me sane and to remind myself that my happiness is my job , that is the only thing I have any control over , anyone else is my life is a bonus they are not the reason I am happy .. good luck don't give up too soon. Louise
I asked my therapist recently how often he saw success rates in situations like mine. He thought for a while before answering "about 40%, and I've been wrong plenty of times about which ones I thought would make it and which ones wouldn't". Honestly that's a higher number than I expected to hear. Sadly I can't count my own marriage among the miracles...win some lose some.
Hoping to hear from anyone who has managed to restore love, trust and intimacy to a damaged relationship when both get help. I'm sure they are out there, but unfortunately they probably no longer feel the need to visit this board. I wish they would.
Hello, I am still here, just been out of touch lately. I have been married for 5.5 years to an alcoholic/addict. Been with him 8 or more years. He has been sober 1 year and a few months now. I can tell you this, the level of trust is not yet there, the love I have for him, never left, it was rocked to it's very core, however I never quit on love for him. Intimacy is still a struggle because if I don't have trust for you, don't feel a sense of loyalty from you, feel irritated that you still carry on as a 15 year old - I can't be intimate with you. We have however made great strides in restoring trust and even intimacy back into our marriage. We have to do it one day at a time and we have had to have intense help from a marriage counselor. It can be done if both parties are willing and able to do so.
It takes much patience, empathy, understanding, and acceptance more so from me than him to work through issues. I have found some very wonderful and solid ESH right here on this board. What I have learned is to take care of me, mind my own business and keep my side of the street clean, his recovery is his and I cannot control it, I cannot control his progress, behaviors none of it, he has emotionally crippled himself and will have to come out of that in his own time at his own pace and with the help of the recovery programs and tools. I can however set sound boundaries with him and stick to them. I am starting to just a little bit begin to trust him partly because he is going to meetings, working his program, holding a job, but I don't hold any expectations that he will continue to do so once he is off probation. I am very upfront with him on that as well, he wants my trust right now and I simply say we will see what happens when you are no longer forced into doing the next right thing and have to do it of your own accord. As for intimacy, well first off we are way out of practice so our counselor and several books I have read indicate that sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet to get back into the swing of it. For women that is harder to do as it is so tied to emotions. We set up date nights, we set up little flirting things etc to get that ball rolling. The other intimacy of being able to talk with your spouse, connect in a mindful way, depend on each other without being dependent is a one day at a time thing for me. When my AH acts like he is 12 or 15 or even sometimes 5, it's a turn off for me physically, emotionally, everything and I just can't get close. Another issue for me is the lack of amends, wanting praise for holding a job, paying your bills, not getting high and telling me that's his amends doesn't cut it. He trashed both of our lives and while I had my part, he did what he did and thinks sobriety is the way to making it right, not in my book. We talk about that as well. I think that the trust, intimacy and closeness will come back naturally in time and neither of us has the right to rush the other. I know just from one year ago when I was ready to just walk away and had some much anger and distress over the whole mess, how much has changed and that is in large part of taking a really good look at me and less at him. Keep coming back.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Raises hand :) well we never had trust, love or intimacy coming into this. We started out crazy, both of us and our relationship was restored to sanity most days. Sometimes we both slip but only for A few hours at a time. I read a lot of self help books, quit drinking myself, went to meetings/ 3 different fellowships, worked the steps, used the phone and still do to call my mentor or sponsor. He quit drinking, but no program. Our five year anniversary is Sunday and most days are sweet. I'm too blessed to be depressed. Life got a lot better for me working the tools of the program.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
so our counselor and several books I have read indicate that sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet to get back into the swing of it. For women that is harder to do as it is so tied to emotions. We set up date nights, we set up little flirting things etc to get that ball rolling. The other intimacy of being able to talk with your spouse, connect in a mindful way, depend on each other without being dependent is a one day at a time thing for me. When my AH acts like he is 12 or 15 or even sometimes 5, it's a turn off for me physically, emotionally, everything and I just can't get close. Another issue for me is the lack of amends, wanting praise for holding a job, paying your bills, not getting high and telling me that's his amends doesn't cut it. He trashed both of our lives and while I had my part, he did what he did and thinks sobriety is the way to making it right, not in my book. We talk about that as well. I think that the trust, intimacy and closeness will come back naturally in time and neither of us has the right to rush the other. I know just from one year ago when I was ready to just walk away and had some much anger and distress over the whole mess, how much has changed and that is in large part of taking a really good look at me and less at him. Keep coming back.