The material presented
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Expectations are premeditated resentments!!!! I think thats right. I think back to all the high expectations i had for my ex ah. They just set me up for disappointment every time. My expectations of him were insane. He was never able to live up to them. How could he? His disease wouldnt let him, the pull of his disease was too great for him to ever meet my needs or live up to my expectations.
A healthy relationship has healthy expectations that are mostly met. If we are in a relationship with a sick person and still have 'normal' expectations then we are also sick. Its this sickness within us that can be changed. why do we focus on changing another human being, its impossible. Its us who need to change.
Even after eight years, I expect my wife to clean the cat litter boxes semi-regularly so they don't get disgusting. (Personally, I think that they should be done every day, but I understand that not everyone is with me there, and so I have settled for "not disgusting.") But, when I think back to the beginning of our relationship, when we had separate apartments, her cat litter boxes were so bad, when she cleaned them, she actually had to take them down to the dumpster and scrape them out. So, I was expecting her to change or believing her when she said she usually kept them very clean, instead of looking at what was actually happening and setting my expectations accordingly. I could say the same for cleaning the house, doing laundry, paying bills, not collecting piles of dirty clothes beside the bed, etc.
I expected that if her situation changed and became more manageable, she would change as well (or go back to the way she swore she was). I wasn't dealing with the reality of the situation or changing what I did in accordance to that reality.
I think I am definitely guilty of have "normal" expectations while being in a relationship with a sick person, and this made me sick. So happy for AlAnon and that I have finally started to see reality as it is and focus on my well-being.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I too agree with expectations being resentments in the making. I am one who always expected more of others, and justified it by saying to myself, I don't expect more from 'them' than I expect from 'me'...
It took me a long while to realize that everyone is different - different at how they approach chores, life, commitments, etc. I lived a life of disappointment as I always saw things through my eyes, my values, etc.
Learning to be more realistic and accept those in my life exactly as they are has helped me realize that if I expect little/nothing, I am at times pleasantly surprised!!
This has become a 'broader approach' than with just my A(s)...after all we are imperfect humans living in an imperfect world and becoming less rigid and less 'perfect' in my thinking has brought me more peace and calm.
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I expected honesty, honor,truthfulness,
Respect, decency, love, fidelity on and
On went my list of what i expected of my
Husband. Did i get it before it seemed
I mostly did, do i get it now, nope none
Of it.
As his disease progressed i did Not
even understand what was happening
to him. Why he started acting so nasty.
It was like some other person had
Invaded his body.
As i said earlier maybe he just hated me
and stopped loving me that is another
Answer besides alcoholism.
Its all very sad when you love someone
And they start to treat you bad and show
no Remorse. Thats when we need to make
Some hard choices.
I expected that he would be my knight in shining armor. A friend tells me of the old fairy tale where the young girl kisses a "toad" and he immediately turns into a prince My friend, being married to an alcoholic stated : She kissed a prince and he turned into a toad" :)
We all have high expectations when we marry The disease is deadly and destroys each and every dream. I did not have to tools to deal with it in a healthy fashion so I maintained my expectations and used denial and pretend to maintain my sanity. Alanon showed me a better way
This is a very interesting topic for me to ponder this morning. We had my parents over last night to celebrate my father's 80th birthday. This was my husbands suggestion as he likes to entertain/cook. My expectations were that he wouldn't drink since he has been going to AA meetings and my parents who are aware of the situation were coming over. Of course he went out and drank before my parents came over. The night was a mess with me in tears and frustrated that my expectations were not met. I truly am as sick as him as my expectations are still set for someone that isn't in the grips of this horrible disease.
Love what Betty shared above because that was so me, too. I think that, in any relationship, you can have expectations but you have to be clear on what you want and ask for those things. If the other person can't follow through, then you know where you stand and have a choice to make regarding expectations. You can't drop hints, you can't expect them to do something just because you asked, and you can't hide your resentments behind unspoken expectations, too.
I think I needed to learn to be realistic and learn that not everyone will live their life to the same standard that I did and that that was OK. I had to learn to let go. Letting go of resentments was a huge part of my program recovery and I still have to practice it every day. I have to learn to stay in my hula hoop and not cross over to someone else's. So very difficult, you know? And, that's why we're all here, to help each other get over these things and to help each other face reality and get our emotional selves back to healthy!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Im married for 25 yrs to AH. His drinking became serious about 4 yrs ago. When We first got together, i expected we would have the usual domestic problems. i had been married before so
i knew those. I didnt expect the verbal and physical abuse. i didnt expect id be totally bored with him, sick of his same old jokes,tired of his messiness,lack of being able to keep paperwork organized. In fact, im so sick of his predictable behavior that he thinks makes me happy[bringing sweets home[ i tell him not to], doing massive chores in one day,then being a pig the rest of the time. He leaves eveything to the last moment then theres a mad attempt to get it done. often involving me writing up his bills, making calls etc. that last behavior i have cut in half by not doing it. I have no physical or emotional need for him..the only thing holding me back is finances and the sheer expense of everything here in ca. he has a puffer device in the car so the drinking is down but the dry drunk behavior is still here. We used to like to take trips but have no money for even a trip across town. Then when i thought of past trips, they were fun but marred by his need to have booze in his possesion.
so im going to meetings etc and hanging on
Sobriety and honest, open, mutually respectful communication. It's working so far. We're both in recovery and we both like our programs. I think that helps a lot for taking what we've learned in the rooms and working it at home.
It's not that there aren't disagreements. Lets face it, everybody likes to have their own way but I think things work for us because we genuinely want to forgive one another and move on. He lost so much time due to many years of drinking and I lost years trying to be the rescuer of a dead marriage with someone who wasn't sober.
The willingness is there to invest in this second chance and to make our relationship a priority not a sideline activity. I feel validated by him in a healthy way. I think if asked, he would say the same concerning me. We really are best friends. Thankfully, because of recovery we're able to show up not just for ourselves but each other in healthier ways.
We're taking it one day at a time.
Thanks for the topic. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
My AW is still in denial so I'm trying to expect nothing from her, which includes repetition of her patterned behavior. I do have expectations of myself, though. I expect myself to pause, breathe, check in with my HP, keep building an inventory of tools and learn how to use them, and respond in a manner that protects me and others from damage. I expect myself to be compassionate, understanding and kind, and to set boundaries and remove myself from the situation when I feel I am failing to do so. When I am successful I expect myself to be proud. When I fail, I expect myself to review the situation and learn what I can to be better prepared for the next time. I expect myself to internalize this pattern as a way of life. I expect that I will always have more to learn. I do not expect to ever be finished.
