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a night of feeling powerless. so many things happening and changing right now that are out of my control. my ex ringing my phone off (from out of town) still in the same patterns .. know nothing can change if nothing has changed .. the disease is scanless ... he's been calling saying he's changed has been baptized tries every card to get me to answer .. I have not .. now he has resorted to pulling in 3rd parties .. I still have not answered .. these calls have nothing to do with his daughter or me at all .. they are what he does (to either feel better about himself personally or to look better (like a good person) in front of an audience .. his own coping 'defect for handling shame) when the effects of his own unhealthy behavior begins to kick in .. so many details in this and so much humiliation he carries with him every time he ''darkens our doorstep .. he has been gone a couple years but always shows up just as he left and picks right back up ..
got a letter in the mail today regarding my place of residence .. rent is raising .. not sure exactly what that means for me personally .. if I can afford to stay or not ..
life is just catching up with me .. changes all around me .. an aging relative who won't be with us long .. but always and forever more I want to fix immediately the worry
I don't understand how I can have so much recovery and still have such a hard time placing my life or trust in my higher power's care ... lately I wonder who my higher power is .. do I have the right one or am I projecting another onto a higher power role .. when I lose faith, I find it's usually because I am placing it in the wrong place again .. projecting an alcoholic or something onto higher power once more ..
I am just depressed tonight because I feel alone in what I am going through .. there aren't many on my end offline I can turn to at this time of night .. and typical I tend to feel this way on most Saturday's .. not sure what is up with that but this seems to be a Saturday night pattern now ...
I guess I am fearing the future again crossing today's boundaries and stepping over into tomorrow .. really what I need is support .. an experience that may or may not bring me strength and hope ..
I understand how you feel, i can feel like this at times too. I get comfort knowing it will pass, just as everything does. You have a program, you have tools, you have awareness. These are the alanon gifts that mean we can handle anything, anything. I have others words wringing in my ears when i feel like you do. They say, walk through it. Listen to your own inner voice, accept yourself as imperfect and let it go.x
I too understand how you feel and I am not certain why, but evenings/nighttime are my 'saddest' moments. Perhaps because it is quiet, still and dark - I am not sure but when it's there it is almost always at night.
I've caught myself taking one disappointing event/life thing and magnifying it and projecting others to keep it company. It took me a while to see this pattern in my 'thinking' and now when it starts, I work hard to change it as the prayer and meditation doesn't always work. I might pick up a book, turn on the TV or do as you did - get online and 'talk' it out. I can't always redirect me thinking, but more times than not - I can get to the other side and find some peace or brain neutrality.
I have of late been doing more journaling and it seems to help me 'get it out'. I can then see what is on my side of the street and what is not. That often gives me some action to find my peace/serenity again.
Hoping daylight brings peace to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Metwo))) Prayers and positive thoughts on the way. My sponsor would tell me, at times like that- that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional- I hated that but found if I sincerely picked up my tools increased my meeting, reworked a step I was able to walk through the worst of times trusting HP--- Feeling serenity along with the sadness.
I so sympathize and empathize. I am still reeling from my AW leaving me after telling me she was having an affair with a trusted friend about 6 weeks ago,, I just had to put two pets to sleep (one unexpectedly), my dad is in his final months and my mom was just diagnosed with brain cancer this week and has 8 to 18 months to live. I am looking for roommates to help my financial situation but still don't have my own car (my ex took it). But even still, I can see a teeny tiny light at the end of the tunnel, where even a few weeks ago I thought I wanted to just end it all. The people here really helped so much. It will get better. You are not alone. We are a huge family all around each other.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
thanks everyone for the support and for being here .. I need to remember suffering is optional .. I am working through a long drawn out 4th step and I am feeling a lot as it resurfaces too .. I know I need to keep 'moving through this' .. this 4th is a killer .. (of the past I hope) .. I have just had so much to go through I want to put the book down and not look 'back .. but I know I have to if my perception is ever going to change .. really seeing just how unmanageable my thinking is at this point to not even be able to do the 4th without feeling absolutely scattered and overwhelmed ..
Made a startling discovery in it that anything I am stuck in .. gets its roots by my not being able to let go let god and let go of these resentments .. when I don't forgive and hold someone bound; I hold me bound (I stay frozen in fear anger shame, etc ..) I can't do it all at once and am grateful there are more steps that follow .. I began to rework the steps because the first time I only worked through to half of 9 ,. then there was a family death and a set back ..
I feel for you too Spooky .. when my ex left the last time I learned so much ... wondering so long how he could look in the mirror or live with himself and that's where the above learning came from (going through it) .. realizing the literal survival needed to be to make others look bad (worse than him) for years .. the messages I am getting are so ridiculous .. they stem from well .. god BLESS you guys to I got Jesus now to I'm changed forever to I wanna tell my daughter how much I've changed to answer the fricken phone to quit playing games to marriage proposals and more .. absolute insanity .. there are Real reasons I have not answered this person's phone .. I can't put ''our daughter in a bubble or even protect her from her dad but I recognize so Clearly the 'emotional ''manipulation" of lies and yes this scares me .. (because I 'know she's powerless 'over the 'effect of it (confusion) .. I can't control him change or fix him but I can take my time and try to really figure out what is the Best way .. the above messages of I got jesus now are just him being resentful and angry at Any type of higher power Greater than "Him .. in his mind ? he s still in a place of being the Greatest .. been through the affairs also with him .. took a power Greater than Me to get me out .. not about to make a U turn .. I've been learning slowly to focus on Me too long now to turn back .. the emotional manipulation gets hard because I realize I never stopped loving this person .. I just couldn't live in the chaos or insanity .. learning slowly as long as I don't "begin the reasoning with him Or the obsession .. I remain more reasonable inside me .. it's the reasoning with him that sucks me in .. reasoning with me .. trying to remember we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it (when we engage in it) .. just meaning when I do talk to him it needs to be and remain short simple no over explaining .. more along the lines of 'direct communication .. to the point
yes I am grateful for program and for the reminder this pain too will pass ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 1st of June 2015 08:53:43 AM
(((MeTwo2))) - hugs to you.....and a gentle reminder - don't forget to include your assets! So many times I am focused on all I did that was wrong or certainly not on my side of the street. My sponsor always is good to remind me to celebrate that which is positive!!
Have a great evening!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
