The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's frustrating to me that transitioning, even when it's in a positive direction can be so stressful. I hope that you have hope in your new situation, and that you don't isolate yourself too much when you get out. Maybe you can find a way to be alone with your serenity instead of your misery. Sending peace and hope. Good luck!
I can relate to the feelings you describe about being in transition. I think, for me, the energy of being outside of the house and away from AH for the first time in years, took me some time to acclimate to. I realized that I was so used to "fight or flight" mode that I really didn't know what to do with myself when in another environment. Once that subsided, I'm just left with all the broken pieces of what I have to figure out HOW to put together. Like you describe, the emotions are so close to the surface...I feel afraid of someone asking me simply "how are you?" sometimes.
When the emotions boil up and get close to overwhelming me, I'm trying to take a step back and just "show up" to places like this so I can take in conversations about the topic. I'm not ready for F2F meetings yet, but am starting to read, go to online or phone meetings, and let some of it sink in before taking that step.
Even though life with our A's is intolerable lots of the time, there's still a mourning process where a person systematically lets go of all the hopes for redemption, and starts to feel all the things that had to be forced away while in the heat of the situation. For me it's like peeling the layers of an onion, and I cry a lot...!
I'm trusting that once I recover to a certain degree, I'll want to seek out real humans to help me process the next step. I think the best thing I can do for myself is to be gentle with myself when I feel how you're describing (especially when it's crippling). I set my expectations realistically--I know I can't set the world on fire when I'm burning up inside my brain and psyche! However, the discipline I'm moving toward is to CHOOSE to "show up" someplace for support. Right now anonymous online forums work just fine.
I thought in the 10 months he had been gone
I had worked thru my emotions, feelings And
grieving. I was still in the home he was at his
Mothers or at his AA gf house.
I go to alanon, divorce care, MIP , friends and
Work my recovery hard but i was still not
Prepared for this level of emotional overload.
I also felt shell shocked and overwhelmed
mentally.Too much coming at me at once.
I was getting displaced and my anger and rage
Resurfaced with intensity toward him. He is on
His pink cloud in his relationship. That sets Real
well with me.
I needed to Find a place to live, figure out my new
financial investments, open new accounts, clean out
my Junk and move. Meanwhile xah chomping at the
Bit. Not honoring our verbal agreement We all made
the day of the divorce. He wanted to go by divorce
decree to push me out quicker when i did Not have
a place to live. We had just agreed on terms days
before the divorce.
I could not find a suitable rental. Most were
Typical rentals not very nice. I was tickled
When i found this one, it was more or less perfect
just More than i want to spend. It will be great
For a year anyway. Its more how my home was
I wont feel like i am in prison. Its intown where
I work. Its above comnerical businesses and it
Is the only apartment there. Very safe spot,
Cops across the street or down below at night.
Sorry to ramble but its been too much for me to
handle. I am a simple soul that likes peace and
harmony. I am way out of my comfort zone
After being married for 30 years. I had 18 good
years 12 bad years.
God has my back and is propping me up and i
Trust him to take care of me. In the morning i
Even hear my name to get me going and get
Up and get moving. I have a lot to do in a short
Time.
I'm glad you found a good place, but I'm sorry about the lingering hurt-- it takes time to heal. Tell us something wonderful about your new place. Is there a certain color/decoration/style you weren't able to have before with xah that you will be able to have now?
Mirandic ... I think you are doing wonderfully ... You share your emotions. It has been five years and I honestly can say I finally feel like me. I transitioned for three years. It was chaotic ... I had a new baby, healing from an affair, some type of trauma reaction from abuse (which now I am learning is common when it happens to woman in pregnancy), was in court and when I look back now I am proud of myself that I made it through. I moved three times. I had to get money together for court and had no child support. God I don't even know how I did that. All I had was a determination that I was not raising a child in an unhealthy environment. I just encourage you to keep sharing your emotions. I felt betrayed at the time because I was on a pink cloud as well thinking wow we are coming to a place where we can recover. I felt supportive and happy for him as well. Then the affair happened. It did hurt because I made the mistake of thinking that recovery means trustworthy... It does not. What I realized in the past year was even though I made that mistake what both of them did was wrong. They hurt a lot of people...not just me. They had a lot of other choices and I am not responsible for their actions. I wonder why I was so scared to say that ... Seems so silly now!!
Now I can look back and empathize with me. I am simply still in shock that he chose to physical come after a pregnant woman because I asked him to leave my house. I didn't deserve that at all and neither did my son who went through a traumatic pregnancy. I validate my feelings from then as well. My feelings were normal as so was my reaction.
I am taking some items from the house not much really. My bed, sewing machine some chairs, dishes and pots And pans. I dont plan on stripping the house down.Take What i need no more. I usually go light when i rent.
I will need to buy washer and dryer. It has a hookup Only. I need a small kitchen table and a different couch.
I plan on buying or finding new things for myself for the New apt. It has berber rugs and nice squared raised tiles. I will need new window treatments and a couple of cell Shades on the skylights.
I have pictures to put up that i used in my last House. I am getting rid of alot of my stuff i wont use Or need anymore. Dump, thrift shop or giving it away.
I dont know about colors yet, i love purple, floors are brown And tan. We will see as it comes together.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 31st of May 2015 01:37:35 AM
-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 31st of May 2015 01:38:57 AM
Thank you truth. I have been thru emotional H**l with
That man i trusted and loved deeply. His life fell apart
And all his props came down and he lost his identity.
He could not deal with the changes and being around
home and me.
That was the end of our fairly normal marriage. The
Addict dry drunk was in charge now. He no longer
Was My husband i thought i knew. He started getting
Very controlling and passive aggressive and being
Nasty, it kept progressing getting more toxic.
Then He started AA and started chasing women and
The real emotional and verbal abuse came out. It was
A nightmare and my husband has been Dry for 30 years.
He really traumatized me very badly. Every time he went
To his AA mtgs he came home with things he blamed me
For. He was relentless.
After he left me for his AA gf my real recovery started.
I call myself the Doormat come alive. How did things get
so bad? I had kept Hoping we would get back to our norm
again. No way was that going to happen. I tell myself
Now that my husband did not love me and he hated my
guts. I can not explain All the crazy stuff otherwise. It
Boggles my mind why he would turn on me when i never
Really changed. I was a good caring wife That took care
Of everything when he was away working.
I don't want to discount or invalidate your experience or feelings ...so I hope I type this right. I completely empathize with you.... I had a similar experience. I remember the shock and disbelief, anger, then I was so sad, then came a lot of humiliation, jealousy and self-loathing.... I think this is when I finally came out of denial and realized it was abuse and I was scared....I am still learning all the emotions. It is an emotional roller coaster and the only way out is through. I think you are doing great, it takes a lot of courage and strength to process it.
You are so right about the abuse, i still struggle with it.
I have worked on my recovery with God helping me but
Whenever abuse comes up i get very anxious and upset.
I then need to put it in the back burner till i am stronger
To face it. I find if i push myself on something too much
it only hurts My recovery.
I was determined to cut the marital Bond Out of me. The
harder i tried the more anxious and crazy i became So now
i just leave it alone. It will go away when its time.
Divorce Care has helped me in so many ways in the letting
of God in And opening up my soul and trusting God. I am
not a religious Person but spiritual. If i did not have that i
don't know if i Could deal with all this. It has been a very
rough ride. I am Going for my third time. I need all the
support i can get. I love alanon too they both work well
for me to give me The courage i need to get this.
I think you are doing great. I hear you I still get is coming up. I was finally able to say it was abuse (that took about two years) ...most days now I feel good. I am happy...but if I get triggered ... I still get very confused between judgement and how you discern your a doormat.
