need some input - Al-Anon Family Group

mjferg · Senior Member

need some input

mjferg · Senior Member

Also,he is over 18 and I feel like he should be working or going to school and contributing.I feel like I need to say something because it isn't fair for my daughter and I .

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Warning bells going off for me about now; is son-in-sort-of-law's mother going to become the new version of abusive landlady? Since her son is at your house can she now turn up and give you grief whenever she fancies?
I know as I was trying to start afresh the same abusers seemed to keep showing up in different masks for quite some time and I wonder if S-I-L and his mother aren't just that for you.
What does daughter think of him freeloading at your house? I wouldn't be able to tolerate it; if you aren't willing to tell him to leave (I would, if he's a freeloader it isn't going to improve) can you state that he has to pay board and then offer him a wage for helping which he can use to pay that board with? That's pretty watertight instead of a grey-area where he helps you (if he helps) in lieu of paying his own way. That sounds fraught with opportunities for misunderstanding and resentment in my mind.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 23rd of May 2015 09:19:10 AM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Also I know you've said before that your ex was like this and took advantage while you supported him (if my memory serves me right).
Maybe this is your chance to stand up to that sort of exploitation?

mjferg · Senior Member

Yes to all, his mother is known for drama,I try to avoid her.I am getting ready to have a family meeting,all bills will be split between us or he moves back home.I was trying to keep the peace because I have so much on my plate,but this needs to be addressed.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Good on you, you so don't deserve to be taken advantage of after working so hard to start a new life!!

mjferg · Senior Member

Thanks,okay I am taking a deep breath and getting ready to talk to them.

Fairlee · Senior Member

I agree with you that if he is going to stay at your house, he better be contributing something and what business is it of his mother's...she needs to stay out of it - LOL. Sounds like a difficult situation all around - hope it goes well! Good luck!

deacon · Senior Member

It seems this lad has three enablers in his life. His mother for not insisting that he man up and get a job, you for allowing this situation to develop in your house and your daughter also for allowing him to be a dependent partner. This is allowing him to remain a careless teenager when that time of his life is over. Time for him to grow up and take on adult responsibilities. Good for you for insisting that he help - could you write up a contract with expectations for his contributions to the remodeling. My experience with young males and I have many nephews in that age range is that they will slouch along in life as long as they are able and sometimes need a gentle but firm prod in the backside to get going.

mjferg · Senior Member

I just had a talk with them and the dishes are now done and he is cleaning! Also, I said he is to pay a third of the bills,well he doesn't have a job,so he will be moving out.I am getting there,slowly ,but surely.I am learning to apply the necessary changes in my life.It is all new to me,but,yes,I do see the unhealthiness of the situation and that is a lot of growth.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Yay, good on you for defending your boundaries!!

Fairlee · Senior Member

This is awesome! Well done :)

mjferg · Senior Member

Today I am realizing a lot of things.I want a healthy ,happy home.That means A LOT of changes and it is going to be bumpy for a while,especially with my daughter,as she wasn't too happy with what I said,of course,she wants to defend boyfriend.I know what I am doing is right , though and she may thank me one day.

Saucy · Veteran Member

Yay for you!

All I can say, is that boy's mother has a massive set of ballox! Seriously, to come to you and think she can even speak to you about her son, who is clearly a freeloader. She must be a bully, because who else on the planet would think that is even close to appropriate?

Mary, you stood up, and your daughter saw it. That was so good for her, because one day she might need to do the same thing, at least she saw how.

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