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I'm making myself crazy again. ABF has seemed a little "off" last night and this morning. Not incredibly so, but still. I have that feeling- like maybe he is kind of high or something. I'm not sure that he could be doing anything because he screens multiple times a week for both substances and alcohol but something seems off to me. I cant put my finger on it. He goes to court today. I bet he wont get a sanction because he has not screened since yesterday evening and the "off" took place last night and this morning. He did not have to screen this morning. So- if he gets a sanction it will be for a test he hasn't taken yet and they don't give sanctions until the following court date. He goes to court every two weeks.
So the thing is. Its making me crazy. I cant prove it- of course I ask and hes all "No baby, of course not, I'm doing this thing right. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way lets talk about it." He is the world's BEST at lying and validating my feelings all the while not being defensive and guising that he is listening and trying to make me feel better. I am proud that I haven't lost my temper. I simply said, if your struggling in your recovery, we can talk about it if you need to. I left it at that.
My issue is my feelings- How do I cope with the seething ANGER that comes with feeling like im being lied to? The sudden instinct to start playing detective to somehow prove he has done something? How to take him at his word and just LET IT GO. We don't live together so you would think its out of sight out of mind but im feeling that internal loss of control, panic, anxiety and just flat bitterness.
Any experiences similar to this and how you've handled them would help. It has me all distracted at work.
Hi Kspec I can identify with your feelings of anger, anxiety and concern. Dealing with the disease of alcoholism is extremely unsettling and without Al-Anon tools I do not think I would have survived it.
You ask how do I handle the reaction of anger, resentment and anxiety, the answer. I found was; attending meetings, working the steps, using the slogans, living one day at a time, praying, getting a sponsor and examining my motives and responding to situations rather than reacting.
This is not an easy road. But it is a fellowship of equals so that sharing the journey and the tools help tremendously.
Oh I understand all too well the wanting to play detective and get to the bottom of things to prove AH has been lying...all you can do though is let it go. He's going to do what he does regardless of whether or not you are right in your suspicions (it's so easy to type this out, but I struggle with this daily also...) what I have been trying to do is distract myself when that obsessive feeling comes over me about needing to know...get busy doing something else and remind yourself that you do not make him do the things he does, you really have no control over him at all, only yourself. Maybe start thinking about what your next move is if you do find out he has been lying. What are you willing to put up with?
For me, talking to my AH about this kind of stuff ALWAYS backfires on me and I end up feeling guilty and loose my temper and then he can say "all you do is badger me...blah blah blah" and then he feels justified like he has done nothing wrong. Sick. Sick. Sick. Engaging him just doesn't do me or him any good, but that's just my relationship. Communication is lacking to begin with.
I have had that so many times too - the conviction that something was "off" but I couldn't prove it. What I found was that my instincts were right, and that the truth always came out - because alcoholics who are drinking or addicts who are using never get better on their own - so the drinking will get worse and then they can't hide it as well and things always disintegrate and become obvious. It may not happen instantly but it will happen, inevitably.
That situation of being lied to is infuriating and crazy-making. No question.
My question, which I had for myself and which I have for you to think about, is: Why stay around for it?
Working that out was more helpful for me than being justifiably angry at my A.
Hi Kspec.
I can relate to the feelings you describe. I used to need to play detective too and now I am not sure why because knowing didn't actually help me in any way. My A tends to be what they call a free-range addict; he always drinks but he also switches between extreme addictions to gambling, porn and computer games and I can't even tell you how much time I spent when we lived together listening outside his door or finding excuses to go into his "office" to determine whether or not he was doing one of these activities on his computer and try to see what he was drinking and how much alcohol he had in his room.. It was all-consuming.
The thing is, knowing didn't make me feel any better.
What would change if you did discover that you were correct and he has had something? Will that knowledge benefit you? How? Will you then be able to say something or do something to stop him from doing it again? What difference will it actually make to you?
I did learn that whether he did it consciously or not, my A kept me guessing; it seemed I was constantly obsessing about what he was doing and monitoring him and when I tried to stop doing that I was amazed to see that he seemed to try very hard to keep things the same way; I came to believe that he felt secure to continue his broken life without change as long as he knew I was obsessing and watching over him and once I stopped he became frightened that his actions might start to have consequences. It reminded me of when my daughter was little and she would misbehave when we were out at the park or shopping center, running away from me and wreaking havoc. As long as I continued to pursue her she would continue to run but I stopped chasing and removed myself from her line of sight, she would suddenly realise I was not in pursuit and she would panic and become distraught. Unfortunately I think this parent child dynamic is often what the A's strive for and when we continue to monitor and try to control them, we just feed that unhealthy dynamic and keep it rolling along.
I guess the starting point in dealing with the anger that comes with being lied to is...don't allow him to lie to you. If you don't ask or engage in any kind of discussion with him about his substance use, he can't lie to you about it. I found it very liberating to take that step, when I decided I no longer wanted to know what he was doing, I stopped asking and if he tried to bring the topic up (and he tried very hard when I stopped asking) I said "no, you're a grown man and I do not want to know about this anymore. It's not my business so please don't ask me to discuss it".
That helped me liberate myself from the obsession and detective role and I stopped having days like you describe, of being unable to focus on anything other than Him Him Him Him Him.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I too can relate to those feelings. Where I get 'into trouble' is asking in the first place. My experience suggests that I need to pray and share with a program member my feelings, suspicions, etc.
When I ask, I often don't like or believe the answer. My best bet is to ask for guidance from HP, reach out to my sponsor and/or program friend and try to talk it out to see if I own it.
As best as I want the As in my life to embrace sobriety and a happy, joyous and free life, I am only responsible for me - my thoughts, actions, reactions, etc.
We're here for you - so sorry you are in this place!
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My question, which I had for myself and which I have for you to think about, is: Why stay around for it?
Working that out was more helpful for me than being justifiably angry at my A.
Well Mattie- I am still in the (insert pathetic) "But I love him!!!" phase.
Its true. I told him when he entered the program that I would be supportive and work on me while I work on him. If he wanted sobriety, he would make it work, and if he didn't, him and I would just fall apart but that I wasn't going to kill myself to make him clean. I have done really well in my progress thus far and since entering the program this is the first time I have had to deal with the inevitable down that comes with the up of being with an addict/alcoholic.
I realize now that I got complacent in his sobriety. He was always telling me about what was going on in meetings, how he felt about it. We were talking with each other and communication and working on trust and blah blah blah and I fell right back into the starry-eyed-happily-ever-after-he's-really-gonna-do-it-this-time girl. He has been doing well and I do not want to discount his progress but this really did hit me out of nowhere. I know its cunning and baffling and all that jazz and I am sure this is a huge cliché that is heard all the time but here it goes:
He really is an awesome guy when he isn't using. Its true. He's not ever yelled at me or raised a hand to me (high or otherwise). He has never called me a name. I am thankful for that but even a peaceful self-harming only addict is an addict and I know I wont be around for this forever unless he finds true recovery. I have told him that.
More venting I guess. Any thoughts on what I said are more than welcome!
The thing is, knowing didn't make me feel any better. What would change if you did discover that you were correct and he has had something? Will that knowledge benefit you? How? Will you then be able to say something or do something to stop him from doing it again? What difference will it actually make to you?
First off, Missmeliss, I read your posts and things all the time and I always seem to resonate with you. You're right. It wont change anything except validate that I was right. I know im right. I shouldn't feel like "Aha. You cant pull one over on me" I get off on being right. It is one of my character defects. I feel like if I don't notice something and call it out first then some future event is going to occur that says, "See, she's so stupid she was being lied to and didn't even know it" Fear of vulnerability or embarrassment or I'm not really sure. Fear of looking or feeling stupid I suppose.
Awesome that you can see your own motivation. I totally get needing to be right. There's a heap of harmful thoughts that drive us and they lose their power quickly when we drag them out into the light and look at them. When I realise stuff like that about myself I like to grab on to it and explore it inside out. A wise person guided me to do that by writing it out without holding back...to just write out every angry, confusing or ugly thought about it until I was exhausted (and then burn it). For me those kinds of feelings lose their power when I acknowledge them and let them have their say. It was explained to me as "instead of trying to deny your bad feelings, what about letting them throw a tantrum. Just let them kick and scream until they are exhausted and then when they are done you can calmly say to yourself "alright feelings, I have heard you. Now, we are going to do things MY way".
What about changing that future voice that is criticising you so that it says "see, she's so cool that she was being lied to and she didn't know because she didn't even care".
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 21st of May 2015 12:38:19 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh boy do I ever know that feeling on knowing something is up and wanting to call them out on it. I am going through a very similar thing with my AH and this weekend I know he was drinking and it took every ounce of self control not to ask him or try and play detective. They are smart and cunning and I finally realized that it wouldn't change anything even if he did admit it. I just let go and let god which seriously was one of the first times I have ever done that.
I too have a really good guy AH who doesn't harm me either physically or call me names and does all the self-harming but I am at the point where it is taking a mental toll on me just watching him spiral downwards. I also struggle with so much anger/resentment towards him and his disease. This week I have pulled back emotionally from him and he can sense that.
I think what you said "I simply said, if your struggling in your recovery, we can talk about it if you need to. I left it at that." was just perfect. Good for you for phrasing it that way. I think you are doing great.
What about changing that future voice that is criticising you so that it says "see, she's so cool that she was being lied to and she didn't know because she didn't even care".
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 21st of May 2015 12:38:19 PM
I love this. That actually helps me to twist it. I'm such a cool loving chick that I do assume the best in people. Why wouldn't I? Rationally I know if they lie, cheat, steal or whatever, its no reflection on me. That really doesn't make me weak or naive. My dad was an A and he would say all the time, "Kimberlie, you really cant trust anyone. Everyone has a motive in this world. You never have friends- only acquaintances" I literally heard that from kindergarten. I have grown up in this world feeling that no one does anything kind without a reason. It has always felt unnatural to me though. the truth is that I do see good in the world but I have allowed myself to become untrusting of everyone and look far into things. My father made me feel like my kind spirit made me weak and a target, although I am a very intelligent woman. I'm not a cynical old witch who should be snooping and accusing anyways. That sounds like a horrid waste of my time.
I too have a really good guy AH who doesn't harm me either physically or call me names and does all the self-harming but I am at the point where it is taking a mental toll on me just watching him spiral downwards.
This! Exactly. My ABF is so ridiculously smart, handsome, gets along with all types of people, is non judgmental and very talented. People get very comfortable with him quickly. He has a great energy about him. He would make an AMAZING addiction counselor and has said he considers it. Yet he just keeps going back into this shame and self loathing.
The times that I have went to his house and he's so high he cant hold his head up and is drooling. I just shake my head and lay him on a pillow and leave. To see such an awesome person do that to themselves is pitiful to me. I hope one day he sees himself the way God sees him.
Until then, I need to learn to love myself the way God loves me too
You got it. It is so hard to turn the focus on yourself especially when you see a loved one hurting or just doing destructive things to themselves but that is where Al Anon helps so much.
My XAW was awesome when sober too. She struck me as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She was a monster when drunk.
And to see that wonderful woman in such a sorry state when drunk... passed out on the floor, no life, caught in the throes of her past that probably led to all of her negativity, negative self-esteem, and causes of her addictive behavior--just broke my heart and made me so sad. I felt sorry for her. That probably keep me around longer than I probably should have stayed... but either way, I would guess, it's so so hard to leave (for multiple reasons).
