The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lyrics from one of my favorite songs, and it seems to describe my progress in the program and life at the moment.
Despite my wife's best efforts to distract me, I did put myself first, wrap up my writing, defend, and graduate last week! (Ok, revisions to do, but they are minor.)
My parents and an aunt were in town (surprise!) for my graduation. That was very nice. My wife had a series of escalating meltdowns throughout the week, culminating in me dropping her unceremoniously off to eat a pizza lunch on her own while I tracked down my parents and dealt with an electrician right before racing off to commencement. (Too many guests were coming, we didn't have enough food, had to order a last minute deli something that pushed us off schedule by an hour, allowing her to go drinking and decide that I didn't really need to be anywhere before 5 pm, so she had plenty of time to continue drinking. Then, since I missed the lunch meeting time with my family anyway, we could have lunch together. Then she and I had a conversation that I was not a part of about going to get subs. Commencement went long, and she lost track of time, I wasn't at the (not our) house when the guests started to arrive, on and on...)
Our house is still a mess. I am glad that my aunt couldn't do the stairs to see it. I was embarrassed enough for my dad to see it in that horrid condition. But, that was part of the trade off. 24 hours in the day, and I have got to sleep for at least 6 of them.
My wife is nearly done with her treatment program now, still drinking daily, and making whatever excuse possible to not actually go to treatment. Last week it was because she didn't want treatment to be over. This week it is because she is "over it." Really, it is because she is drinking and doesn't want to not be drinking.
Last week, I started out with the best of intentions and found myself sliding back into old coping mechanisms throughout the week. Not communicating, avoidance, agreeing to things I didn't want to agree to so I could put an end to an alcoholic temper tantrum, thinking that there were actual ISSUES my wife was really upset about and trying to address those issues... Ufffff. Well, each day is a new day. Thank goodness. And, I see progress in my life and program despite the set backs. I think it is harder to use my new tools when things are stressful and out of the ordinary. It helped last week to take things 15 minutes at a time instead of a day at a time.
I was happy to get to a meeting today and start the healing process for last week. (Of course, my wife invited a couple of her friends to the meeting and I have otherwise cut one of them out of my life, but that is another story. They were there. I hope they got something out of it. It helped me to be there.) So, two steps forward - went to the meeting and walked, one step back - used my trusty avoidance strategy to deal with a certain individual after the meeting. But, that is still progress, and I will get there!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks for the update Skorpi I missed you and am so very happy to read that, despite all your wife's negative efforts, you forged ahead and graduated. Congratulations ---You did great!!!!
So happy your famiky could show up for you as well.
You are correct, program is a little easier when we are in our routines-- Working the tools while being in the unexpected moment is a little harder You did it .
I can relate. Every time I had family coming to visit -- whether it was my favorite cousin who is like my brother for a weekend, or worse, when my teenage son was coming to to stay for one of his scant 4 yearly visits, my alcoholic ex would start in, complaining, sabotaging, and finally (and always predictably) screaming and berating me all the way to pick them up from the airport. Needless to say I allowed most of these visits to be ruined as she would sulk and make unreasonable demands through the whole visit. I would cover for her and make excuses, and worse, I would ask things of the guests/family that were totally unreasonable just to keep her from blowing up. And that was after she had been sober a while! Now, looking back, I realize that everyone saw everything quite clearly and I simply looked like a doormat (because I was). Most of my family, themselves coming from the same alcoholic family as mine, would pretend everything was alright, that it was "our business, etc" Not in a detached way, but in a very fearful way. I would do things very differently now. But I am thinking about you -- I am proud of you! You have accomplished something huge and you have value just for being you - regardless of the accomplishment!
__________________
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Skorpi - congrats on graduation - that brings enough stress by itself!!! Pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to a .... (dinner, malt, massage, etc. - you get the suggested picture eh?)
I 100% agree that it's easier to rely on the program, tools, etc. when I am in my element with my structure. Added people, events, drama, etc. make me stress which causes me to move from the day/moment.
Perhaps now that the graduation is complete, you can just breathe for a while and focus on you and what's right! Best of efforts in your new-found program focused energy!
Make it a great night!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I woke up this morning in a grumpy mood, since my wife passed out last night when we got home while I was cleaning up a dog mess (3 of them were sick, needed bathes, etc.) and didn't bother to close the greenhouse or take care of the cats or get herself dinner, etc. Then, she hid my car key "in case she needed a vehicle for emergencies." (I have been keeping all keys in my purse after I found out that she was driving my truck around to go to bars while I was at work with her suspended license. So, she went into my purse, helped herself to my car key, and hid it somewhere.) And, after blowing up at her rather than stating that it was unacceptable to go through my purse and that it is unacceptable to take things that belong to me, and that the keys to my vehicles will remain where I put them, I found a moment of clarity. Once at work, I transferred all keys that used to be in my purse as "back up keys" to my locked desk drawer in my office. There. Now, she cannot get at my extra keys by snooping through my purse. I am sure that I will find the "hidden key" in the next few days, and can add that to the office collection.
More importantly, my moment of clarity reminded me that I am not going to keep living like this. I remember I decided that when I spent the night with Chloe in the basement. And, I had to let a lot of things go so that I could finish my degree. But, that doesn't mean that I have to go on accepting those things. I get to start fresh each day, too, and do my best to live the life I want. And, that life doesn't include an active alcoholic or a dry drunk. So, more changes coming. One step at a time.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Skorpi That is how" it "works-- Slowly we begin to see a different road and develop the tools, courage and wisdom to walk down it. Keep on taking care of you.
Love your solution to the key issue :)
Congrats on graduating, that in itself is awesome! Yay!!
And for keeping your head up in spite of your wife's nonsense.
((Skorpi))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Congratulations on the graduation! That's great! And to do it with all of the wife's distractions, well, that's one of my biggest problems when wife is active, once she starts in, I can't do anything like that, I want to batten down all hatches and ride out that storm. Good job not getting sucked in.
Skorpi - Excellent 'action' for your peace of mind! When both my boys were here and active, I actually put a lock on my bedroom door as well as the closet in my room and locked up anything I cared about or that was of value!! I never leave my keys laying around and always leave my purse locked in the trunk. To me, this is all as normal as can be - to others, I appear the strange one....lol
Keep working your program and stay in the now as best as possible. You seem to be 'working it' and that's all we can do!
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
congratuiaions on graduation! I'm sorry your special day could not be more enjoyable :( But it does sound like you are persevering in your program. One day at a time :) I feel like I am constantly telling myself "tomorrow is a new day" - such relief after a step back.
