The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
new here. don't know if I want to get into this but my nightmares about mum is starting to haunt me.
i'm 27 years old. my mum drank when I was groing up and stopped when I was 15, she hasn't been drinking since. when she drank she was evil mum, and I didn't like that but at least I knew her. then she got sober and turned into a new much more happy and kind mum. I remember (don't need to offend anyone who hasn't got sober parents, just need to tell how I feel) that I used to think sometimes that I wanted her to start drinking again cause it was so weird with this new mum that I didn't know.
now, 4 years ago, she almost died cause she had a stroke. she survived but she is changed in her personality. I don't know if she knows it herself, she knows that she is very tired and can forget things, but I don't know if she knows that her personality has changed. sometimes she is old new mum (mum nr 2 aka the mum i appriciate) and sometimes new new mum (mum number 3). sometimes she is such a great support, and sometimes she just filles me with anxiety. it's not that she's mean or something, she is just weird, like she's very old or something.
a friend told me today "shouldn't you go to a meeting?", and I started to cry and said "this is the most dark place in me of all places. I'm starting to realise that I've lost parts of my mum."
all my life I have been waiting for to have my real mum. I don't know if I ever really had her. I've always been leaning on her for support but I never know if it will be there or not. I have been through a lot of mental illness and she's been supporting me a lot, but now I don't feel like calling her anymore when I have my breakdowns. I have a lot of close friends who are family to me, but mum has always been... my rock in a very complex way. and she isn't anymore. and I'm starting to question if she has ever been, or if I have just been leaning on some fantasy or wish I have had about her. I feel so alone, it feels like I'm dying or something. mabye I should go to a meeting but this darkness inside of me - it feels like it would eat me whole.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Kristina. Thanks for sharing with such clarity and honesty. Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely difficult and there are many residual effects of growing up in a family affected by this disease.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless, which can be arrested and never cured. It does sound as if your mom has been in recovery for sometime, and because of her recent illness has also changed in another manner. I can understand your anxiety and deep pain and do believe that attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings would be very beneficial.
It's in Al-Anon meetings that I learned how to break the isolation caused by living with the disease of alcoholism, found people that I could trust that understood as few others can, learned how to keep an open mind and process information without reacting and regained my self-esteem and self-worth.
I also noted that Al-Anon is called the Al-Anon family groups and it was here that I really developed family connections and felt supported secure and understood. Please reach out to meetings and keep coming back here you are worth it
Kristina - so glad you are here! So sorry for the sadness you are having.
My mother's dad (my g-father) was an alcoholic. His disease was 'stable' until she and 2 of her sisters married and moved out. They have a younger sister, my aunt who was an oops baby - 12 years younger than the youngest of the 3...my mom is the oldest.
My G-Father's disease progressed rapidly when the 3 girls moved out/on which they did not have to watch/experience/see. I share as the youngest sister, my aunt has many more issues that the other 3.
My mother had 4 kids in 5 years & 5 months. Needless to say, she had her hands full and was spread very thin often. I am the youngest and the only girl. I had a nice childhood but always felt distant from her. She's just not a touchy feeling kind of mom.
Our relationship improved greatly after I got sober (27 years), got married and had grand-children. However, much like her father, she began to over-indulge in alcohol after we all left the home. It's not my place to decide if she's got a drinking problem or not, but our relationship changed again, and not for the better.
She's 80 years old now and is getting forgetful and just had a pace-maker put in. It's taken me years in step work to love her unconditionally exactly as she is. I use the program tools to accept her and embrace her and have very low expectations in all my affairs. I had a counselor one time tell me that the sadness caused by this disease is grief. We are grieving as we are loosing what we wanted/had.
If you can get to a meeting, I am hopeful you can get help from others who will help you through your pain and grief. Even though my relationship with my mom hasn't been the best, I will miss her when she is gone. I have come to rely on my sponsor and program folks to help me walk through pain, sorrow and grief. They 'get me' in ways family and others do not!
((((Hugs)))) to you and know you are not alone - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
thank you for your answers. I think I will try to attend to a meeting tomorrow night, I know there's a good group here in town. It makes me a bit hopeful that you write about feelings of having a family in the program, cause that thought is very appealing to me.
kristina - I hope you are able to find a good group and a great meeting! We meet here too - twice a day. It's not F2F but it's grand.
And yes - this is a family for me and to me. Continued hugs to you.
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
