The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm very new to Alanon. Just went to my second meeting last night. I'm a 34 year old woman who fell deeply in love with the most wonderful man two years ago. We were best friends first and then ended up falling in love and he moved into my home. He's younger than me but at 27 had been on his own since he was a young man so definitely had some dog years and is mature. We fell in love hard and often spoke about marriage and children.
He has been struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for MANY years. Often I was under the guise that he was sober when he was not. From the beginning our relationship he was hiding boozing and drugging and would either getting caught or coming clean and telling me. He has had amazing sponsors, therapists and tons of support and at one point had 4 years sober when he was younger but now can absolutely not seem to get a hold of it. He seems to kick into high program gear and be really happy and then after few months I will see the signs of depression and behavior where I either would think that he was drinking and doing drugs or that he was about to. I became consumed with worry. It pained me so much to see the love of my life in so much pain. Also, for the most part of it, our relationship became all about him. He was always very good to me and would say that his nightmare was losing me and our home and dogs ect... My family and friends all love him. He's incredibly charming and sweet and handsome. He is also a professional athlete and has not really worked in the last 10 months because of his inability to stay sober and I started to take on more financial burden.
Just a few weeks ago he came home and told me he drank that night and was devastated. We discussed and he was so desperate to figure out why none of what he does seems to work. Why he can't figure it out. I had been sad in the relationship for a while at this point and felt very lonely. Like he was not really present even thought he would go through the motions. I told him I need to feel happy and if things kept going the way the were we would end up breaking up. BUT to be clear that is not what I wanted. The next day he checked into and out-patient rehab, same as he had gone to years ago when his sobriety stuck. I went to my first Al-anon meeting.... Things seemed like they might be OK.
Then on Sunday he asked me to go on a date. My parents were in town staying with and we needed some alone time so we went to dinner. As soon as we got in the car I felt off and sad. Something was wrong about the way I was feeling towards him. He was trying so hard but it wasn't working. We started talking and he told me he was so tired and exhausted and could not believe what a liar this disease has turned him into. Lying to all of his loved ones and himself. That he is not the man I fell in love with and that he can't keep dragging me through all of this pain and suffering. That he hates himself and has no self esteem left. That he needs to figure this out before he totally loses his professional sports career and that the only way he can do it is on his own because nothing else has worked at this point. He told me he always felt a lot of pressure and never really settled into our home. So that night he left and the next day moved all of his things out.
I am completely heart broken. I have never felt pain like this before in my life. I miss my best friend and I literally feel like my body is splitting in half. I realize he has to do this and that I guess I was subconscioulsy thinking the whole time that our love would save him. Maybe I was in love with his potential but not with what I was actually receiving as a partner. We have had an email exchange and a phone conversation since he left. He is also devastated but says that he loves me more than anything and that I deserve the best. That he can't be the man I deserve right now, let alone a potential husband and father and that he can't keep me waiting. He said he knew I would never break it off so he had to just rip that bandaid off and do what he felt was right in his heart.
It happened all so shockingly fast and I am so unbeliveably sad. I know in my heart this is what he needs to do to find his path but that does not make it any less painful. I went to al-anon last night and that helped. I am also reading some al-anon literature. I have friends and family supporting me and am starting therapy on Monday.
I decided to post here just because maybe some of you have had similar experiences and I guess I am just needing to tell my story. I'm sorry if it is a bit all over the place but that kind of where my head is...
You are doing exactly the right things - the program and processing. This disease is wicked and devastating, and perhaps he will find his way.
In spite of what he does, take care of you and be gentle with you. Thank you for sharing your story - and hopefully 'talking' about it will help with healing!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are not alone Please continue sharing here and search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend The hot line number is in the white pages. Living with the disease of alcoholism is indeed extremely devasting and once we accept that this is a disease over which we are powerless we can turn our attention to taking care of our pain in a healthy fashion.
Alanon tools and support helped restore my self esteem and self worth and gave me the ability to respond to situations and stop reacting.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain right now. I know first hand how physical this pain can feel and how your heart just feels drenched in sorrow. It hurts so bad to have to let go of someone you love deeply. I am currently having to let go of two people I love very deeply right now and sometimes the pain is more than I can bear.
I have found that running for me helps it to lessen and not feel so bad. So does being outside in nature with the sun on my skin. I also paint, write, and come here and go to meetings!
I am hoping that with time the pain will start to fade and be less and less until I can no longer remember how bad this feels; but for now, it's the little coping mechanisms that I have learned to use (the things I mentioned above) that really help.
