The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm recently divorced after less than three years with an alcoholic wife. I'm curious to know more about what alcoholism, or addiction in general, commonly does to sexual desire for the sober spouse in the marriage. I've heard "addiction kills love" a number of times and I can certainly understand that first-hand now. However, I'm curious how most sober spouses react in terms of sexual desire when forced to live in these conditions. I'd be interested to hear first-hand accounts or references to books or articles on the topic (I've had trouble finding any).
I can't say what is typical, but I know that in the early years I felt very insecure and lonely and tried to fix that by trying to be irresistable to my A partner.
As I started to learn to care about and value myself I stopped wanting those encounters to be with a drunk, inconsiderate sloppy person and so I insisted it could only happen when he was sober. He only had an interest in intimacy when he was drunk so we arrived at a stalemate.
I suppose I felt hurt, sad and rejected for a long time and mistook those feelings for desire when really I was just using sex to feel wanted. And then as the reality started to dawn on me, I kind of just lost all interest.
Common sense tells me that it might come back one day with the right person but for a long time now, it's been at the bottom of my priority list and that's just fine with me.
Hope that helps
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I don't know any books but I can give you my personal experience. I am no longer attracted to my ah. Mostly because of cruel and unusual sexual abuse he put he through while drunk and how terribly he treats his body. I will still perform like a circus bear to keep the peace but there is no feeling or satisfaction. I do however still have a voracious appetite and have those feelings very intensely but not for him. I feel I should point out that I am still being faithful but but and definitely feeling neglected and a huge void due to it.
Not sure if that really helps but there's my two cents!
My experience - My AH moved out of the bedroom to 'hide his disease'. With that move, out also went our intimacy. I am also not attracted to him, but miss being close to another person. It has lost it's priority with time and age and who knows what tomorrow brings! HTH!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When my (now ex) AH was actively drinking, I would CRINGE when we would even hint at having sex or we had to be intimate. How can you turn yourself over to someone you do not trust--who has lied to you, made you feel second best to a beer can? That is how I felt. I had a VERY hard time being able to let go and be real with him in that sense. It sucked.
Fast forward to now...we are divorced and I am way more able to be with someone I know there is no future with rather than someone who may be a potential long term partner. Am I broken now, hell yes. WAY easier to NOT be intimate (really intimate) than it is to be casual when it comes to sex...sadly. I am deathly afraid of connecting with someone intimately. Better to just keep it "casual". What a great topic and one that I hope people will consider responding to. Thanks.
WAY easier to NOT be intimate (really intimate) than it is to be casual when it comes to sex...sadly. I am deathly afraid of connecting with someone intimately. Better to just keep it "casual". What a great topic and one that I hope people will consider responding to. Thanks.