The material presented
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I read so many things things and get myself prepared for the next time this guy comes home drunk, but it never goes as planned and I don't know why. It should, because he always says and does the same things. Always. The only thing that changes is my strategy.
I plan for this, like, 'Next time I'll lock him out of the bedroom', 'This time I'll just smile and agree with him, then go sleep in my car.' or 'I'll tell him he has to leave my house and come back when he's not drunk,' but it always backfires. The best case scenario is when he leaves and drives drunk and I spend the entire night awake worried about him getting another DUI, not because he doesn't need more negative consequences as a result of his drinking, but because it would be my fault and I couldn't live with myself if someone else got hurt because I kicked him out or he had to leave because I was "being a psycho."
Taking his keys is easier said than done. He is twice my size.
When he's not drunk, he's a dramatically different person. There are so many times that I'm amazed at how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, thoughtful man in my life and our relationship is beyond any fairytale I imagined as a kid. He genuinely seems to be head over heals in love with me and it seems so stupid and petty to want to throw it all away because he gets drunk and says mean things every couple of weeks.
I know I'm powerless over his drinking and his behavior. I used to blame myself for the fights, but I know I'm not starting them. Tonight, I didn't know he'd been drinking and I was genuinely happy to see him, so I said, "Hey!" when he walked in the door and he replied that he didn't like my approach. I have also been known to walk down stairs or sleep in a way that makes me a "psycho"
People say that drunks speak the truth, and if that's the case, this dude REALLY doesn't like me and he probably shouldn't be here anyway. He always says he didn't mean any of it and I should ignore what he says when hes drunk, also easier said than done when he follows me around, saying I need to see a therapist because I'm always trying to "avoid confrontation."
Friends and family don't want to hear about it anymore. I can't go to real life meetings. I have tried every suggestion I've come across so far and I just can't find a way to handle this problem that doesn't keep me up all night which affects my job, my interactions with my kids or any other part of my life.
From one psycho sleeper to another, welcome to MIP
Would it surprise you to know that many of the the things that you describe have also been said or done by my husband? One of the things that drove me closest to crazy was being told that I was crazy - but then I remembered an old movie called Gaslight and I discovered that gas lighting is actually a name for this sort of behaviour - I wasn't alone, and neither are you.
We have daily on-line meetings here at MIP so might you be able to join us for some of them?
I have known my husband for thirty five years. Alcohol has been in our lives for twelve years. Over the last couple of years of his drinking he became a complete stranger to me. Alcoholism is a ghastly, mind changing disease and it is hard, very hard, to live with. You are right to see that you are powerless over his behaviour, but we are not powerless over our own thoughts and behaviour and I can hear you saying that all is not well. Why should you ignore it when someone is rude to you? I found that my path became so much clearer when I focused on myself, took alcohol out of the equations and asked myself what kind of behaviour would I accept in my life. I think that it helped my husband when I found that clarity as well.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress- MOF - so glad that you shared and found us. You are not alone. I too have been accused of "sleeping ,walking, moving like a psycho in need of therapy.
I understand that you will have difficulty attending face-to-face meetings so here is a listing of our online meetings that are held here twice a day.
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. we all attempted to argue, fight, engage with the disease and have failed. Al-Anon is a fellowship of people who have lived with the disease and it is here we each learned how to take care of ourselves in a constructive fashion while dealing with the insanity of alcoholism.
Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease is extremely important. Developing new constructive tools that restored my self-esteem and self-worth while opening new doors for me to walk through saved my sanity and my life. Living one day at a time, not worrying about the past or the future, focused on my own well-being and myself, sharing with other members, trusting a higher power, all helped along the way. Remember you are not alone and there is hope.
Why is it so hard? This guy has done a number on your thinking and self-esteem. He probably didn't intend to, but is in denial in all likelihood. Doesn't make it alright. No, you are not psycho. Yes, I am reading a common mentality that people come to alanon with at first. Being with an alcoholic will make you feel crazy, doubt yourself, and see getting help and support from others as impossible. Usually there is a way around any perceived difficulty in getting to face-to-face meetings, but online ones suggested will help you also. Please don't invalidate yourself to the degree that you believe that being verbally and emotionally abused at least every other week is ok. Also, the sober responses of "I don't remember that" or "Just ignore me when drunk" are insensitive and unacceptable as well leading me to believe he's not that awesome sober either. I'm not saying to end it or leave him. It's very painful and conflicting to be with an alcoholic. Alanon tools can certainly minimize the effects on you, but it doesn't make alcoholism palatable or positive in any way. It just turns the focus on you, tending to you, and meeting more of your own needs to buffer what the disease is trying to steal from you in your interactions with the alcoholic.
Also MOF77, even those of us in alanon that do not drink have at least usually had the experience of being intoxicated a few times. If you think back on your experiences, did you speak wisdom or "tell the truth" when you were drunk? No, you probably acted silly and spoke a lot of nonsense. Alcoholics unfortunately often have like a "mean drunk switch" and I believe that they have a lot of baggage that they are not dealing with and at a certain point in their drunkenness, that switch gets flipped and they displace all their discontent and bottled up baggage onto whomever they are closest to. I remember I could almost literally tell the very second my ex-A had that switch go off. I knew I was in for a barrage of verbal abuse and then it would come...
You have also just described numerous interactions I had with my ax-AH over the years. I found that it was just pointless to talk to him AT ALL if he was drunk. Having an escape plan/place to go was best for me. Then when he was hungover the next morning, I would scream/rage....which wasn't too effective since he usually didn't remember the night before. I also spent countless nights up worrying about his drunk driving--then exhausted and barely functioning at work the next day.
Finally I set the boundary: If you drive drunk again, you will be moving out. And that is exactly what happened....I had to follow through with it....and I do not regret it. The nightmare continued on and on and it took 4 more years of a roller coaster ride, because he never did get sober. He also never did move back home, although that is all I really wanted--my husband back. But he chose drinking...so I am better off. I would not have had the courage to get through it w/o Al-Anon and I cried many many times at meetings and was met with nothing but loving support. It saved my life/sanity.
I suppose the lovely bit of al-anon is not having to find a way to "handle" someone else's drunk behaviour anymore.
I know that doesn't sound very practical when you are looking for immediate solutions but believe me, when you start delving into the program this stuff gets a lot easier and how to "handle" it starts to be clear and unconfusing.
As Betty pointed out, there are online meetings here and they are a great starting point if you feel you can't attend face to face at the moment, although you might find there is one that you can attend if you look up your local meeting schedule. I thought I couldn't to begin with and then discovered there was a daytime meeting once a week 10 minutes walk from my house! You never know. It was life-changing for me, and my situation was similar to what you describe in many, many ways. I didn't find what I thought I needed, which was a way to "handle" him or his drunk insanity, as they say we "didn't cause it, can't control it and cannot cure it" but I instead found calmness, clarity and courage and they are lasting gifts..
It does sound as though you do not live together and that you are really stressed out by what he brings to your home when he is drinking; is it possible for you to make a boundary that says he may not attend your home when he has been drinking, no matter what?
Also, I too am a member of the psycho-sleepers club. I've also been known to lovingly bring him coffee or meals like a psycho, and even say crazy things like "let's not fight" or "please lets just enjoy the day" like a psycho! There's no limit to the terrible things we psychos do, really.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
"Alcoholics unfortunately often have like a "mean drunk switch" and I believe that they have a lot of baggage that they are not dealing with and at a certain point in their drunkenness, that switch gets flipped and they displace all their discontent and bottled up baggage onto whomever they are closest to."
...is extremely valuable to those of us experiencing this phenomenon. It makes it make sense. I always felt it was the alcoholic projecting their own "stuff" on the one they are closest to.
Thank you for that analogy. It works amazingly well for me.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Thank you all so much. I looked up "Gaslighting" and the description is dead on. This is exactly what he does. The "mean switch" too. His face changes, I only screwed up last night because he was looking down when I approached him. Unfortunately we do live together. He helps with bills, but the house is mine. He has family and friends here, but I have nowhere to escape to. I spent the night in my car. This morning, I texted him that it had to stop and that he could stop drinking, stay somewhere else when he's drunk, or move out. He told me what pieces of furniture he wanted and what I could keep, so I guess that problem is solved. I'm so sad about that, and I really want to take it back and beg him to choose me, but I won't.
If I don't have to deal with his crap, I can probably find time for meetings. It really helps to see I'm not the only one going through this.
Speaking from my own experience, I would say he is calling your bluff because you taking it back and begging him to choose you is exactly what he is counting on you doing. Then, even though it was HIS behaviour that was dreadful to begin with, YOU end up sad, uncertain and scared he will leave and he gets to roll around in his own crapulence some more.
In my relationship, every time he got drunk and mistreated me, I would try to deliver an ultimatum the next day. He would call my bluff and say he was leaving. "Well you are so unhappy so what's the point, it's over". I would panic, second guess myself and end up apologising and he would emotionally torture me for days or even weeks, refusing to talk to me, pretending to look for a new place to live, even going to "view" houses. The punishment for standing up for myself was always cruel and unbearable until he eventually "forgave" me and things were great again. Until the next time. He played me like a violin!!
Then I read a great book called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and it explained in amazingly familiar detail these very same arguments and manipulation tactics. I realised he wasn't going to leave. He was just an expert at using my own fears and weaknesses against me so that I would shut up and let him do whatever he wanted no matter how much it hurt me. Knowing that was a big game changer for me. When I stopped being afraid that he would leave, I started being able to work out what I wanted and needed and start finding ways to make it happen.
Anyway that was just my experience. Pretty much everything he did or said after a bender was just smoke and mirrors to avoid any consequences for his behaviour and it always involved making me the bad guy.
I don't live with him now; every so often he asks me if I will move in with him again and when I say no he responds EVERY time by telling me he will have to move interstate, and I will never hear from him again. He isntinctively tries to use my own fear of being abandoned to get what he wants, even now that I have moved on without him.
Anyway sorry if that is not relevant to you or your situation, that was just my experience and I wonder if his offer to divide up the furniture might not come from a similar place?
Totally recommend the book I mentioned too. It's a big eye opener for a lot of people
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
He sounds EXACTLY my my AH. He always does the same things when he is blackout drunk, and I still never do the things I plan on doing. I chicken out. I try to pretend to be asleep. But he persists with belligerence and I fear that he will go into our son's room, or leave in his truck or walk through our neighborhood naked (yes, he has several times). He also says I am crazy, abusive, a b**ch and that all his friends also think so. As for whether or not "Sober" AH believes these things, I do not know. I have detached so well that I honestly no longer care if he thinks or feels that way.
My point is that I had to learn to let him say those things. There is no talking to him or trying to convince him that i am a good person when he is drunk like that. He will say whatever he has to say to hurt me, and he will wait for me to cry before he stops.
I'm right there with you on the sleepless nights and the lack of sleep the next day.
