The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im on my second marriage to an alcoholic and SHOCKER, this ain't going too well. I have never had impulses to cover up for alcoholics, or manage their lives, per se, but I do have a huge problem shouldering far more than my share in the marriage and expecting love in return. What love i can get is never enough. Instead, my wives cheat on me and treat me badly.
i have a temporary sponsor in Al Anon, just wondering how others have used the program for addressing martyr issues.
My experience with martyrdom is that it is very closely related to resentment and self-victimhood. Martyrdom is where we give control over to another, sometimes hoping for the best, or sometimes hoping for the worst. Then, once something screws up that we didn't actually put any input to, we get to blame the other person. At least that is my experience when I play the martyr, and I have done it quite a bit. it's really not pretty, and a form of passive-aggressiveness in my book.
Therefore, martyrdom turns out to always be about ME. What power did I give up, what did I expect in return, and why would I expect it? Usually it's all a ploy on my part, due to having no power in my family in childhood. Not in an A home, but in a dysfunctional, narcissistically headed household.
Yeah, even bass players make some sense occasionally!
I forgot to add that usually unchecked martyrdom results in resentment, but I find that the blame for it rests on me, so there should be no resentment once I figure out on whom to lay the responsibility.
T The program helped me to let go of my need to be a martyr when I was handed new constructive tools to live by-- Namely, Daily gratitude and asset lists, living one day at a time, keeping the focus on myself , examining my motives and working all the Steps
By then i had found myself, rebuilt my self esteem and self worth and was very busy taking care of myself.
Keep coming back Program works
Self love. Realising that i am entitled to a good life, im worth a good life has helped me say no, thats not happening or no i wont do this or that. learning about the disease and how manipulative we both were helped me stop manipulating and being manipulated. Step 1, i am powerless meant i ga e up my job as fixer and i saw the rewards i was getting for the martyr job, a big ego, ideas like, its only me who understands him or its only me who can tidy up this mess and pay the bills and... on and on. When i became more and more aware of my motives they had less and less power.
Self love. Realising that i am entitled to a good life, im worth a good life has helped me say no, thats not happening or no i wont do this or that. learning about the disease and how manipulative we both were helped me stop manipulating and being manipulated. Step 1, i am powerless meant i ga e up my job as fixer and i saw the rewards i was getting for the martyr job, a big ego, ideas like, its only me who understands him or its only me who can tidy up this mess and pay the bills and... on and on. When i became more and more aware of my motives they had less and less power.
I would love to know more about you and others were able to use the steps to let go of the destructive martyr impulses.
Todzilla it is an inside job. It takes us looking inward
Changing, growing. Learning and becoming aware.
You will learn much at ftf meetings. It takes time to
Get there. There is no magic pill that will make us act
Different. i have been going to alanon for 2 + years
And i still struggle daily. Be gentle with yourself I
Am glad you are going to meetings that is a great
Start to your recovery journey also good on the
Temporary sponsor.
Self love, self care and self acceptance are the core
Ingredients needed to change and grow with a higher
power Guiding you along. Giving over self will in step
3 is huge. That takes awhile to let your HP be in charge
Not you.
T the Al-Anon slogan. " It works if you work it" is very important to realize. The steps are the key to recovery.
In the first step. We admit we are powerless over people places and things and our ives unmanageable in the second step. We come to believe in a power greater than ourselves that can help us regain our sanity and in the third step, we decide to turn our will over to that power.
The fourth through the 10th step we are working on ourselves. By looking inward and discovering the destructive attitudes and behaviors that we haves developed over a lifetime of living with and dealing with the disease of alcoholism. Once we have cleared up the wreckage of the past, new constructive tools emerge from within and our self-esteem and self-worth grow.
Daily working the program by making an asset and gratitude lists, living one day the time, focused on ourselves, enables us to place principles above personalities and practice Al-Anon principles in all our affairs.
I was then able to face life with courage serenity and wisdom. Keep coming back and working with your sponsor
