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so this past couple weeks .. I have gotten over a hundred calls from my ex addict .. I did not answer them for the simple reason nothing has changed .. I can see the familiar behaviors and patterns .. there are many .. I can see the manipulation of the calls .. the every effort to get me to answer .. recognizing a little more the emotional roller coaster I used to go on .. the same calls today but not the same effect .. the nothings to the I miss yous to the it's very important to the god bless yous (this man does not want god in his life right now) .. none of it is truth true or even real .. these aren't the reasons I didn't answer . the reason I didn't answer is because I know the emotional and more so verbal abuse that begins after I answer those calls with the patterns of the above .. the threats kick in toward me personally etc .. I hate that I still have fear with this man after all this time .. but there are reasons I am afraid .. they aren't just fantasized .. they are Real .. I feel so alone in this ..
tonight's message .. the one that nearly got me to answer was .. I need to talk to you before I come home and talk to you in person .. I am trying hard to stay in the moment in my mind .. (it's not as hard as it used to be) .. but I have every reason to fear this man .. emotionally mentally spiritually and who knows about physical .. it hadn't reached that point but then we were separated by a power much Greater than me .. before some other events in 'his life took place .. (he landed himself in prison) ..
I am so afraid but really what it is underneath it all is anger .. well anger and fear combined .. angry and afraid for our child who loves her dad and sill lives in the fantasy of someday my daddy will a b c .. it's never going to be the fairy tale relationship and the motive behind his coming home ? can't really judge that but it's more of the surface show whenever his own life gets to be too much .. he needs something to make him look better .. her for the forcade of see what a good guy i am ? he targets and twists my image my entire being and it brings me back to my past .. he twists truth period.. and worst of all he targets 'her against me .. he is also emotionally abusive with her .. no respect and I don't have much to go on to prove it to the courts and If I did so afraid it would turn into a restraining order that i'm pretty sure 'he would break ..
normally I keep the focus on me but can't help being filled with resentments at the thought of his returning .. this man ? iis very sick disease wise .. I become sicker in his presence (we all do) question for me is where does my faith go .. my trust in a higher power .. nothing happens unless it is permitted but I am so afraid of the harm as in damage he's already caused her emotionally and I am so afraid of letting her out of my sight with him .. he influences her negatively and targets me In her presence .. and i'm angry because her fate rests in the hands of a judge who knows Nothing about her past or their relationship .. and I ? am powerless ..
my first thought ? mediator .. my fear ? home invasion ? dunno ..
just need to share because it's just too much to think about tonight .. may delete this after leaving it .. if anyone has any at all esh or can relate please feel free to share .. thanks .. i'm sick emotionally tonight ..
MeTwo2, so glad that you shared your concerns and have not deleted your post so that others can respond.
First of all, please remember that you're not alone and that HP has all the power. I love to remind myself that "FEAR "is really, False Evidence Appearing Real or another way to look at it.:Face Everything And Recover
In Al-Anon I learned that it helped to share , my concerns and fears , pray , not project and trust that HP had not brought me this far to drop me on my head.
As I read your posting. I saw that your program is strong and that you are taking care of yourself and your child. Not answering the telephone is a huge step in recovery.
Remember that it Is important not to project into the future. I have found that having a Plan A and B also works well for me. Take time to think of your choices, including restraining orders, place principles above personalities and trust the process.
In my thoughts and prayers
hotrod thank you .. I am feeling myself projecting fear .. I know I project that far into the future .. I'm trying to focus on the good that come through it too if worse comes to worse in the fact that our daughter goes to a school where pretty sure there will be street behaviors and her dad ? is used to that .. trying to remember the good that can come through and for all I know she will need him .. it's the fear of what he does to distort my image so that his can ''appear better on the surface .. this disease is so hidden .. his survival and coping .. used to always wonder how he could live with himself .. well I see the glaring defect .. behavior used (other than god) that works And feels good ..still for him ..
truth .. I am still 'learning to trust my higher power who I know has never left my side but does allow me to go ''through things .. my own disease sometimes is so hard .. the fear (in my own thinking) is part of my disease too and do know there is balance .. my Real fear is that (I) won't be able to handle it due to the ''dominance of 'his disease .. all my whatifs scare me right under the bed on the inside of me .. he voices he isn't afraid of restraining orders or any other .. I believe him in that so, so afraid it will lead to chaos .. or that my daughter will believe the lies as much as I did once .. so hard to see through all the twisting .. if It weren't for the spiritual program I would never see it .. know you relate .. it's the confusion in me that scares me .. I want clarity now but do know it isn't time for me to have it and the threat of coming home may be another card too .. I am not sure .. he may not even be coming any time soon .. he just knows how to effect me because I shared like an open book with him 13 years .. I have stopped sharing so much of my heart and mind with this person .. it will take time for that to change I know .. think I just hate that I don't seem to have ''enough trust yet built up in me that god will get us through or bring good through the bad .. must be some of that lingering punishing or getchya god in me .. still learning .. thank you for being here .. pretty sure I will be in more .. (think I just gave myself an awareness too .. god takes me ''through situations .. brings good ''through situations too .. doesn't run circles around .. moves ''through everything?) .. that helps a little ..
thinking of calling legal aid this week or we have a free attorney advisor to know our rights who comes one day a week to the courthouse here for questions .. looking into this, this time .. I have tried to peacefully let them visit .. I would Love for him to even take her places .. it is just so unsafe at this time .. heart burn for sure ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 11th of May 2015 11:24:25 AM
I understand ODAT worked for me when I was dealing with the same fear. I do like the idea of consulting the free attorney and or calling legal aid Great plans a and b
thanks ..