The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I discovered this morning that AH did not pay the April heating oil budget plan bill. So I told him he should have discussed his reasons for not paying it, because we got a bill this month that shows we are in arrears. I went and paid the $250 so that when the oil company tops off our tank for the summer that we have the correct credit balance to cover it. Was worried that they would not make that last delivery before the new budget plan. He went ballistic on me, calling me all kinds of names, calling up all past mistakes, took our second car and threatened to sleep at his brother's house tonight. Right now he isn't here and I did try to calm down the situation, and I don't know that I should have, apologized and told he that I love him and don't want us to fight like this, but that when he makes decisions to not pay a bill he needs to discuss it with me. Feeling very abused right now, but no where near as upset as I would have been a year ago!!!
-- Edited by Debb on Saturday 9th of May 2015 04:38:38 PM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Sorry Deb.
I feel your frustration. My A would behave like this when he was gambling, it was awful. And yes, very abusive. You've a right to make sure your bills are paid and you have heating.
Glad you aren't feeling as awful as you might but I insist that you go and do something nice for yourself anyway!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I think this is a go to path for alcoholics, try to get you all riled up over something they imagine we did and try to put us on the defensive so we don't focus on their behavior.
I think with mine he even knew I had not done the things he was proposing but he used this behavior anyway to then get me all riled up over him being manipulative --- anything to avoid having the focus on what he had done.
Thank you Missmeliss and Glad for your responses! The chaos and manipulation is so abusive today that I just needed to talk to you. Thank you for being there for me {{HUGS}}.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Debb, I agree with the other posters. You did nothing wrong in discussing the unpaid bill. You weren courteous and respectful. This is our self-esteem and self-worth becomes damaged. I'm glad you put it here so that you can your actions can be confirmed.
Alcoholics are indeed filled with irrational fear and dread and hate making mistakes.
Thank you David! Just needed to talk about today. It has been very disconcerting, all his screaming and hollering, you would have thought it was the end of world.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Well I woke up to no Mother's Day card this morning from AH, didn't think I would and probably would not have (secretly) accepted it anyway. Expect that I will be making the trip (hour long) to my Mother's by myself. Just another day in paradise . Happy Mother's Day to everyone!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Debb - Whether it be alcohol related or not this time, I hear your husband has serious anger management issues. I am glad you are not taking it so personally and letting it wreck you like you say you once did.
I know we ultimately can't control them, but I would not want you to just reach the point of accepting abusive behavior and no longer being upset by it. It's a tricky line between boundaries and acceptance....eventually they do come together. I don't know how it would work, but I wonder if as soon as he started calling you names, you removed yourself from the vicinity and stated "Name calling is unacceptable. Sorry you didn't like my choices. They were made with my best intentions. Bye." I also know he's blocked your path from leaving before, as his anger management problems (add alcoholism seemingly) are really that bad.
Pinkchip, I also remove myself from the situation and always state that name calling and screaming are childish and manipulative. I will never accept this behavior and each time it happens I pull a little further from him. He does have anger management problems, big time! Your choices were perfect Pinkchip, I totally agree with them. Thank you Betty!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
...
. Happy Mother's Day to everyone!!