The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been feeling kind of rotten about this place we live in; it is pretty run down and the neighbourhood is pretty dodgy and daughter really hates it. I've managed to get the living room and bedrooms looking really good but the kitchen, bathroom, rear yard etc are pretty awful and there's not much I can really do to improve them. On top of that, there is always a group of delightful neighbours leaning against their cars or sitting on my fence drinking and smoking and having conversations I would rather not hear. It's not great.
So daughter really hates it and has not been willing to have any friends over here which makes me feel like I have failed her. She always loved to have parties and entertain guests and it feels horrible that she has started at her great high school and has made so many friends and yet she is too ashamed to invite any of them over. She tells me they are all wealthy 2 parent families with nice homes. Yes, she insists, they really are ALL wealthy, every single other person at her school. So I recently sold that bike I mentioned here and spent all of the money fixing up her bedroom and buying her some new clothes as she has outgrown everything, and in the end she has still been unhappy because of the house and I have felt really crappy about it.
So anyway this morning she announced that one of her friends was coming near our house today for basketball and they had offered to pick her up so she could go and visit for the day. I said OK and sadly went outside and tried to make the front of the house look presentable and hide the stacks of newspapers because I'm sure she doesn't want her friends knowing her mum pushes a pram around the streets delivering papers, ugh. Not feeling super-great about myself I'm sure you can tell. And even so daughter sat watching the window so that as soon as she saw her friend's car she could race out and jump in before they had time to come to the door and see our hovel up close lol.
So when she left I kind of fell in a heap and had a cry because it's tiring. I'm just one person. I have been trying so hard to be mum and dad, to give her everything "normal" kids have and at the same time I'm trying to study, trying to eek out a business for myself and its very slow going, and seriously I can't even remember the last time I went anywhere nice or did anything fun. Meanwhile I'm so full of rage at her father for refusing to help with any of her expenses; he is overseas again and they have booked a weekend away at the beach with daughter in a few weeks and she is allowed to bring a friend...so she is. That kind of hurt. Next year they are taking her to Bali. It will be her 4th overseas holiday with them. I've never been. Poor me, poor me, poor me. lol.
Anyway while she was out I had a bit of a cry at the unfairness of it all, and pulled out my toolkit and tried to find a way to be ok with how things are and found I'm not really, I'm actually rather angry and fed up. So I did my best to hand it to HP and did what I had to do and got my school work done.
Anyway she came home with a huge grin on her face. The friend's mum who dropped her back here had stopped a little way up the road and I poked my head out the door to wave and call out a thank-you and saw she was grabbing some stuff from the junk pile out the front of my neighbour's house. She was embarrassed and yelled out something about her son moving out of home and held up some pots and pans she had found and was putting into her car. I gave her a thumbs up and went inside to an excited chatty daughter who informed me "MUM! They're POOR like US!!! Their house is absolutely HORRIBLE! Can she come for a sleepover next weekend?"
Lol. Lol. Lol. That wasn't the answer I thought I was looking for, but it will do.....
It's always better when you find out you aren't alone, isn't it?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh that is so beautiful Melly! I'm so happy for you and especially for your daughter - what a wonderful life lesson, she will be all the more special for the gift of that one!
(PS I'm sorry it was a tearful journey for you, but gosh, doesn't HP or fate or whatever give us the friends we need when we need them!!)
I wonder if a great number of kids at her school aren't desperately trying to pretend they're rich, and they're all intimidating each other ... sounds like it could be true.
I wonder if this mother is someone you might be interested in getting to know too, expanding your network, etc...
So glad your daughter has found someone she feels like she can be her real self with.
Well, I was feeling worried myself that this intimidating "rich lady" would come to the door and see me in my sloth-kit and judge my meagre house but now I think I'l feel quite comfortable inviting her in for a coffee next time. I suspect that's quite right, that many of her friends are probably a lot less wealthy than she thinks they are. I mean, if daughter has been refusing to have anyone to the house then so has she, logically...
I feel a bit of renewed energy for fixing up the back yard for daughter to have BBQs in now too.
You aren't wrong about HP giving us the friends we need when we need them milkwood, I'm really pleased for her.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Just love your story Missmeliss!!! So glad that everything worked out for you and your daughter. Not everyone has the best of the best, but we make do right?! I think that HP does see and listen to everyone. I admire your bravery and tenacity!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Mel I hear you worrying about where you aren't but it makes me want to remind you of where you WERE! Don't worry about what others have that you don't, revel in what you have that you didn't used to have - a peaceful place to call home! I love where I am in life - I don't try to justify, argue, defend or explain myself - this is where I am and I worked to get here and if you can't understand it then leave me be because its a great step above where I was.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
A million years ago when I was in high school, I went through similar teen angst. I think even the 'golden children' might ALSO have their share of insecurity. I found out about 15 years after graduation that one girl I wished would be friends with me wasn't actually 'stuck-up' - oh, they lived in a fancy high-rise building BUT her Mom has died of breast cancer and her Dad, a formerly successful attorney, got lost in the bottle..... So the three girls lived in the fancy building, wearing stylish trendy clothes that were hand-me-downs from their cousins and eating whatever was cheapest that week. They didn't get too friendly with anyone because they couldn't bear to let the truth be known : ((
I'm so happy for your daughter than she has a friend she can RELAX with. I hope the Mom will find a similar friend in you : ))
Ohh I just loved this story! I was a single mom for many years, with no help/ child support, so I know how it feels to sacrifice and still not have it be enough. Hearing this brought a huge smile to my face!
I like LMH comments. I will be leaving to find a small
Apt soon. Will it be what i am use to, no. It is what
It is though. I Have no plan to buy so it will be a series
of rentals Till i end up where i am suppose to be.
I am use to a big house and being a wife. My life is
Upside down but i will put one foot in front of the
Other. Do the best i can with what i have to work
With.
You are doing great Melly. You are Working, going to
school, have a decent car, taking Care of your daughter
and pets. You are keeping the Ex abf away mostly :)
You are a work in progress. Please Be gentle with
yourself.
Thanks all.
Well she's been busily planning a halloween party today. So I guess it really did make all the difference
That gives me 6 months to get the garden growing and looking a bit more hospitable too.
I guess now that she knows she in't alone she isn't so self conscious anymore. It just makes SO much difference to not be the only one, doesn't it? It's SO nice to listen to her planning a party again!!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I agree, you should be so proud of yourself melly. Your on the up. Keep with those gratitude lists. My wee flat is not a modern flat, in fact the carpet in my bedroom is from the 60s, and is green!!! But its so soft. Its got charm and is comfy and cosy. Some of my friends have show homes, i left that behind and i dont have a show home, or the right colours or stuff and i like that,it makes me feel less part of the brainwashing by multi nationals, a bit political but i feel good for dancing to my own tune, its freedom. Embrace it.x
Wait a minute - Halloween party???? Its May, Halloween is in October - is it a different day there Mel?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
No, it's not (although it would make more sense if we did it in April really). Halloween parties are just her thing; last year she couldn't have one because we didn't have our own place and this year she wasn't going to let her friends near her house. Now she's changed her mind and she's planning it already, lol. Fine with me, halloween decorations are still in the discount bins from last year lol!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh what a great story! This lifted my spirits. Thank you for telling it! I was in a similar situation after my divorce, while the ex and new wife were playing parents-of-the-year with the holidays, toys, activities, parties, etc., I was slumming it in an apartment complex. Whatever. LOL. Wish I had had your toolkit back then though!
Great share Melly! I have learned to not be ashamed of who I am. If the right people like me, it won't matter. If it does, they aren't the right people!
