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I'm new to the forum but I have been popping in and out for around 5 years now. Just to fill you in abit...
I met my husband in 2008 married in 2011 he is 47 and I am 28.. we have 2 young children who are 8 (his step daughter) and our boy is 2.
He moved in with me in 2010, I knew he had a drinking problem before he moved in but i was naive to think he would change once we were together as he has been single for 10 years before and that seemed to be the cause. It's been a looong road and I told him I would only marry him if she stopped drinking and he did. He went through a home detox all was great.. we got married and he drank on our wedding night and hasn't stopped since.
There are so many details to this story, we would be here all day so i'm just trying to keep it short.
Just Christmas past I told him he now needs to choose between me and our kids or his drinking. This hasn't been the first time but this time I was serious, now or never! After letting his Mother down hugely due to his drinking 2 months ago he decided to start going to AA meetings which he has tried in the past but never quite understood it. He is still going but only 2-3 times a week and he says it's all sinking in now and he feels ready!
Its been going well and ive felt like I have my man I love back.. I decided to start looking for work because neither of us are working. He was made redundant from his IT job 5 years ago.. he has been trying hard to find something but he just is not getting anywhere.. Its taken me this long to start looking for work because I didnt just that he would be able to look after my kids with his drinking. So this is the perfect time, he isnt drinking..being great. And then I was offered a job and for the last 2 weeks ive noticed when he goes to the shop and gets home he has had a drink.. I know him in and out and i can tell instantly! And this is happening more and more often.
I', starting to worry again about when I go to work is he actually just going to fall back into old habits again because im not there watching him. Deep in my heart and mind I just know its going to happen and I cannot trust him to look after the kids.. our boy is 2 and he is into EVERYTHING.. he hubby drinks.. he is constantly tired and just falls asleep.. what if he does this while the little one is getting into things.. will he remember to pick my daughter up from school.. will he feed them properly etc.
I am devastated because im desperate to start working but i cant afford child care and him being at home all day.. it just doesnt make sense. I feel like for the last 4 years i have put mylife on hold because of him. I'm starting to feel alot of resentment towards him... this is not the life we planned and its not the life i want for my babies.
Hmmmm.... sounds like he has made his choice by what you have written. It really is not a matter of trust or not trust. It is looking at the evidence and deciding what it says to you.
Alcoholism is a disease that is progressive. They never get cured. They can only manage it if they quit drinking. He talks nice, but watch what he does. That will give you all the evidence you need. He is who he is.
now, what are you going to do for yourself? You got the job. You have great kids that you love and they love you. Take care of them and let the alcoholic take care of himself. Find day care. Have a long talk with the 8 yr old and find out how much she understands and what your after school options are with her. You may have to tell the alcoholic to help you pay the bills or get out on his own and not be a drag on you.
It will all be terribly hard. We are here for you if you need to rant and vent.
Wow sounds a lot like what I am going through right now. I think you as a mother have to go with your gut and take care of you and your kids over your AH. I can only share what I am currently going through which sounds a lot like where you are at. My AH just admitted a few months ago that he was an alcholic. Has been going to AA meetings and desperately trying to get sober. I am also attending al anon face to face meetings which I would suggest you try to find one - they help tremendously. I just came back from FL on a planned vacation to visit my parents. I was originally only going to bring my 3 year old but given my husbands drinking (and it got real scary this winter) I decided I couldn't trust my husband to care for my oldest son who is 5 while I was away. He is an adict and can't control the disease so I took both boys with me as I would have been a nervous wreck. It sounds like you already know your AH will not be able to care for your 2 year old properly. Do you have any friends/family that can help you out with daycare? I am also struggling with resentment but again I think if you found a face to face meeting it would give you more perspective on the disease and some tools to deal with your husband. Take care of yourself and your children. Remember you can't change your husband, only he can. Please PM me if you need to talk. You are definitely not alone.
Hi Bells, welcome, I too must support the idea that you should trust your inner guidance and your gut. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. We are powerless over this disease. AA is the recovery program that many alcoholics choose and Al-Anon is a perfect program for we who have lived with the insanity of the disease.
I do understand the need to go back to work and not wanting to put your life on hold once again. Attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings enabled me to break the isolation caused by living in the disease of alcoholism and also offered me new and constructive tools to live by. New doors open up as my black-and-white thinking gave way to seeing other alternatives.
Please keep coming back here as well is checking out face-to-face meetings. There is
Someone wrote something brilliant on the forum a few days back - it said "Have your happiness less tied to what he does or does not do".
Simple and profound for me! How can I make me happy? What are the steps I need to begin that process? I am the only person who holds the power to make my life the life that I want :)
I wish you well on your journey - it sounds like you understand that you don't have to put your life on hold any longer. It is after all, your life!
