The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, here we go again. My AW is mad because I'm not responding the way she wants me to regarding a situation. She wants me to feel passionate about something and I do but not the way she would like. I tried to listen an be supportive but it wasn't good enough. I tried to reiterate that I do care I just don't respond the same way as she would like. I ended up leaving the room and she threatened to shut down with me and not share "real" things.
The alanon saying that comes to mind is "don't react." You are initiating boundaries and detachment and your AW and her disease don't like that. The disease wants enabling and to have you under its control. Childish threats get ignored by healthier adults. I would either not respond at all or say something like "Sorry you feel that way. Love you. I'm done with this conversation."...or simply "Ok." Hillyard, the alcoholic always wants to shove their disease on you. Just keep handing it back to her where it belongs.
And when I say to hand it back to her...I mean just keep detaching. Alcoholosm wants drama and chaos..that's her disease. It doesn't have to be yours. Let her keep it.
Thanks. It does get confusing at times. Some of the issues go back to before she was drinking. The alcohol just exacerbates things. I am learning to detach though.
Living with the disease of alcoholism is very challenging. I know in my family of origin, we all had to feel the same thing ,respond in the same fashion, like the same people, and if we did not a created quite a stir. It certainly sounds as if that's what you are encountering. I remember saying once. Just give me the script tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it. That was before Al-Anon and that caused quite a commotion.
Since applying Al-Anon principles, I have learned to allow others as well as myself to have their own opinions without trying to influence them. I like the way you handled the situation and validating yourself is a most powerful tool you can do at this time. Keep on detaching and sharing.
I understand this dynamic very well. My XAH always wanted me to agree with him over everything and to have the same opinion as his. He wanted validation in a way that I didn't want to give it to him, because it meant I wasn't being true to myself. After a while I just starting agreeing with him and saying, "you may be right". Or, "oh, is that true? I guess that's possible." I tried to find that happy medium where I was still sounding like I was agreeing (which I was) but also not making him feel like his opinions weren't valid, if that makes sense.
Unfortunately, no matter how we handle an alcoholic, there will always be discord because of the disease. Detachment is key here as is finding validation for ourselves using Al Anon meetings and the principles we learn there.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
