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Need some feedback pleaseâ¦Iâm not sure if my reaction/response to something my AH does when heâs been drinking borders on controlling/lack of acceptance (step 1) or if I am setting a true boundary.Â
He claimed two weeks ago that he had hit his bottom and swore to all (his family, me, his job) that he had a drinking problem that he is now going to fix. His plan, he said, was to go to AA every night after work to start fixing his problem. After that, he quit drinking (for two weeks) and seemed like he was determined to put in the work needed to quit. In the interim, he had all kinds of epiphanies of why he drinks and the damage its done to his familyâ¦but slowly his conversation seemed to turn more towards ânow that he knows why he drinks, he can shift his focus towards avoidance of those âtriggersâ and (just think happy thoughts!)⦠that way even if he does drink he wonât be such a monster to live with.â The more I listened, I started to realize that he is slowly talking himself into going back on his promise to everyone about his âtrue need to quitâ. After that two weeks was up, I caught him with a beerâ¦thought to myself, âReally?ââ¦then proceeded ask him about what his intentions were again on quitting and his answer was âwell, I only quit for 2 weeks just to see if I could do it. â Now that he knows that he âcanâ, he feels its all mental and that if he avoids emotional triggers (like life, duh!) then he will be ok (and still drink!). I also keep getting the âhow hard it is to quitâ and the âyou donât have this problem, so you just donât get itâ excuseâ¦.So, on to my question, with the backsliding on making changes, one of the things I detest about his drinking is the sleepwalking/peeing he does. He came to my house last night with a six pack in hand, only drank two beers, then guess he felt guilty and told me to âthrow the rest away because he didnât want itâ. Then proceeded to fall asleep on my couch only to get up twice to go to the bathroom and pee all over the toilet/floorâ¦its like an alcohol induced sleepwalking thing he does. At its worst when we were living together, heâs done everything from lifting couch cushions and peeing, to walking into closets to pee and at itâs worst, going out the front door to the yard to pee!
So!..after us being separated for six months and us trying to reconcile ..now he does this this in MY house last night all over the bathroom floor/toilet, I texted him this morning to tell him about it and to tell him âhow much effort he puts into finding sobriety is his business, but Iâm no longer going to put up with the nastiness of his sleep-peeing all over the placeâ â¦usually, I am very wordy, will have laid a guilt trip or two in between, but this time I was very short and to the point when I texted him this morning about it. My question is: seeing as though this is a side effect of the disease, was my statement a demand to âcontrol something I have no control overâ or was it setting a boundary? Because the way I see it, if I say no more to the side effects of the disease, isnât that like telling him to quit?  Before this incident, I was seriously considering moving back home because I figured with my alanon tools I felt I may be able to live with him whether he gets sober or not, but this is just nasty ..hell the dog has better self control than he does at times!â¦and that just doesnât sit well with me.
It's sad that he's so steeped in his disease. It sounds like he's in denial concerning his drinking and he's also experiencing physical effects of alcoholism. I think we put boundaries in place when something feels important to us. If it's important to you then it's important.
Speaking for myself, when I start accommodating the disease of alcoholism and stop honoring my own needs, I'm no longer working my Alanon program. My dis-ease is the discomfort I feel when others get angry with me. That dis-ease can cause me to make decisions that don't feel right for me in order not to experience that discomfort. I've learned when I do this and am not true to myself, I don't feel good about my choice. (((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Good for you for setting a boundary. "I am not going to clean up your pee" sounds a lot like my "I am not going to clean up your puke."
I struggled with my choice to disable my truck a few weeks ago. I found out that my wife, after promising that she wouldn't drive it with her revoked license, was regularly starting it up and driving it around while I was at work. In order to avoid the argument about me being controlling and taking the keys with me, I took out the ignition fuse. I got home, and she informed me that the truck was broken as it would not start.
At my next F2F meeting, I talked about this and about whether I was trying to control her and her drinking or whether I was protecting myself, my property, and enforcing my boundary. One of the senior members at the meeting said "Even the Nuns in The Sound of Music removed distributor caps in order to protect the ones they loved."
Well, I ended up telling my wife that I had disabled the truck, and now take the keys to work with me. She tried to argue with me about it this morning, because I need to trust her. Umhum. If I could trust her, she wouldn't know the truck didn't start in the first place.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you all for the feedback. This is really helpful to know what I guess I already knew deep down was right. I feel like its such a silly question to ask but at the same time I feel like Ive been stuck on step 1 forever trying to let go of my controlling tendencies. As I try to dig deeper into the program and retrain my thought process its hard to know whats considered 'trying to control the uncontrollable vs. Practicing self care
Do find it curious though that I texted him almost 7hrs ago and havent gotten a response....texted him again just to see if he'd gotten it and that we're cool on that subject with no response....my guess is that he's sulking....which means he's either mad or embarrassed but I dont care
Quite often I found out was that the answer to that question comes from within another question and inventory question...what was or is my motive for doing what I am doing. Check your motive the program asks me...the not what you are doing and the why you are doing it. Great post. ((((hugs))))
Missmelliss your probably right..... my second text may send mixed signals, guess I wont know untill it happens again (hopefully it wont)....think his silence was making me antsy and I just wanted to get it over with ...the conversation or argument, whichever it tuned out to be...there I go forcing an outcome again! (smh) Well either way Im still adamant about not accepting that nastiness from him so if I did send him mixed signals today with that second text guess I'll just have to suck it up and put my big girl drawers back on and go in for round two...
