It is with a lot of guilt that I come back to the Al-Anon board. Guilt that I have been gone for so long and guilt because I was so cocky that I felt as though I no longer needed to come here and my f2f meetings. I am back to both and just as crazy as I was when I first showed up here to the board. I am aware enough to know that I there is no one to blame but myself. With that said. It has truly been a crazy time and I have attempted to put back in place my previous work I had done in Al-Anon. It is taking me awhile to realize you have to re-work everything you had done before you can't just jump back in as if you had never left. I know my mentor (RLC) would tell me to be kind to myself and put myself first. I am working on that. I just hadn't realized just how much I had put myself on the back burner and take care of everyone else. I do the mundane routine of my daily routine but I have started to add my reading and meditation in the morning along with my coffee. Just for me. This I am proud of, even though it may be a small thing it is a step toward finding my serenity again.

Not much has changed, I still have an AH and a drug addicted son who is in recovery. Which is always in the works. We are forever in crisis. With one or the other. My son had moved out last year in November, no actually the year before, he came home this past December. During the time he was gone my AH and I were empty nesters. Our time alone was nice but we did nothing to learn how to reconnect to each other. After raising all four of children I felt that it was time for us. But that never happened and I have resentment toward him for that. Does he know that? No he doesn't. But just like with everything else in our lives ideas were tossed around to do this or that but nothing ever came of those ideas. Since our son has moved back home he has had at least 2 slips. We do not trust him to stay in our home alone if we were to take a short trip together. However that's not really an issue since we don't do anything together. At this point I almost don't even care because I have been so down for so long.

My AH is back to blaming me for his drinking, or rather the lack of me cleaning the house the way he wants. Let me explain this, he sees houses on t.v. shows and tells me "That's how I want our house to look". Those are fantasy houses that have fantasy maids to clean and cook. This is not a revelation this is how things have been for years and I have yet to able to get the house to look anything like he wants so I gave up awhile ago. When he brings this up I basically listen and don't say a word and just go on with whatever I was doing previous to that conversation. It is so ridiculous that it doesn't even deserve my attention. But this "request" has reared its ugly head once again. I per usual have ignored it.

I should also let you know that my AH had decided and announced that he was quitting drinking on the 1st of May. Well he stayed out the night before and got home around 7:00 a.m. and later in the day poured out the last of his bottle. I pretended to be happy and enthusiastic about this but in the back of my mind I warned myself that this was yet another time that he was grandiose about quitting his drinking. He talked about going to meetings. I acted supportive.  On the 3rd we cooked out, which we had not done in 2 years. We had a great time with us and our son. THEN last night he didn't come home and I got a call 11:16 p.m. telling me that he had had a drink and was on his way home. I went ahead with my nightly routine before bed and went to sleep. I woke up around 1:00 a.m. and he wasn't home and I did something I don't usually do and I called him several times and got no answer and I wasn't really believing that I would get an answer but did it anyway. With that I went back to sleep. Was awaken by a text message on my phone at 5:23 a.m. say that he had a slip and was sorry. (Side note, those apologies in the text messages are supposed to be accepted as real apologies. To me they aren't.) I texted back saying just get home. Now you should know that I don't usually answer these messages in the middle of the night I'm not sure why I did things differently this time. I am putting thought into that. I then went back to sleep and later at 6:24 a.m. received a phone call that he was "sober" and was on his way home. Also that he had slipped up, almost as if I hadn't received the earlier call and text that he had slipped. He was on his way home. I then went back to sleep. About an hour later he shows up. I say nothing to him because after all what is there really to say. He gets in bed and falls asleep for a couple of hours or less and then jumps up and says he has to get ready for work. I did ask if he was still drunk and he said no. Now keep in mind that I am fully aware that I am doing things that I don't usually do and that I also know better than to do in working my own program. I then go to him while he is the shower and ask him if he has a plan for this evening. He asks what do I mean and at this time I fully comprehend that I am getting way too far into his business yet I go ahead and tell him, a plan for tonight to not repeat what he had done last night. (Drink) He then tells me that he is late for work and this is not the time to talk about this and whatever Naranon has told me to do this is not the time. Yes he did say Naranon. I did not correct him it wasn't worth it. So there I stand with my feelings hurt because I am supposedly coming from a place of concern, right? Or not. I honestly don't know.

It has occurred to me that I am currently losing my grip on reality, but I don't really think so. I also think that this may the start of where I begin to think about my next move. Meaning asking the real question, do I want to do this anymore? And if so why? And if not what do I do next to get a life beyond him? Can I do it here with his disease in full affect? These are issue and things I need to start giving some serious thought. I have explained to him that we have some real problems in our marriage and that we need to work on them. But when you talk to someone while they are drunk their perception is not the same as yours. Nor do they want to deal with anything that serious while in their drunk. But with there not being any other time that is "good" to talk I am left with no communication with my AH. He is now working what they call the "Summer Hours", which extend his days until late in the evening. So yet again even less communication, I'm not sure what is less than none but I think it may be negative. I really do love my AH. I think I need to love myself more. I won't get that from him. At this point I don't even see that I have a marriage and I don't know what he sees. I really don't care to analyze it anymore.

I really needed to get these things out of my head. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I know it. Next step putting a plan together that is going to be hopefully surrounding what I want and need. Yes RLC I am finally getting ready to put myself first. All I need to do is take the first step. I obviously need to do more work on my program. I am not perfect but am not going to condemn myself for doing what I have done. I am, going forward from here, putting myself first. I deserve that much, actually more than that but this is me starting out.

Thanks to any of you that respond with ESH. I appreciate you. Thanks for listening.

HUGS