The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have in my recovery process two years ago realized that I am a codependent and that looking back at my parent's relationship, that's exactly what it was. But I did not grow up with alcohol. It was only when I got married that I realized the problem I inherited from my parents. I think the most glaringly obvious thing is that I married a child of an alcoholic who is also an alcoholic. But the one thing that I have been fighting my life for during this process is trying to free myself from being controlled. My dad was (and still is) a control freak- was for us kids, and still is to my mom. They are retired in Florida. My mom retired first and my dad refused to let my mom leave the house while he was working, stating that drivers are dangerous here, there are a lot of homicides, etc. My mom talking to me was pretty upset. Now, if he won't let her do anything without him, gets angry at her constantly (I hear him yelling at her on the phone) and just won't let her do anything. Both of them have overeating disorders (my dad is diabetic, but refuses to change his ways) and my mom's health problems are a laundry list long. So I see these issues I've inherited due to my upbringing. Now to me, I have the same control issues and Instead of caving in like my mom normally does, I keep fighting it...but I end up losing regardless. If I'm leaving work I have to call on the way home or I get repeated calls/texts of "where are you?" and my favorite when I finally call, "you scared me and I should be worried because that's what people do when they care about each other" followed by having to get off the phone because she is so upset. (Guilt) Then it's I have to eat everything over a plate, I have to set my clothes out the next day, I have to do this and that to the house, I have to stay awake in the car on a long road trip if she's driving, etc. all while she doesn't do these things at all and gets mad if I even suggest it. So I feel like I have to sneak around my house and hide things or do things, etc. so I feel like I have some control over my life but more than realize I have absolutely no control much like my mom- the person I refused to be like when I grew up. Here I am- my mom. I've been trying to detach, but this control thing is the one area I struggle with because I hate confrontation and these things we've fought over since dating and I'm tired of it. And if I get my A on a day where drinking is a lot, I don't know what I'll get- guilt or a fight. This is maddening!!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Hello gabigall , it certainly sounds as if you have reflected quite honestly on your motives and drivers. Being able to see with such clarity and have the awareness helped me to be able to keep showing up at meetings and using the new found Al-Anon tools to my advantage.
It is not that easy breaking habits of a lifetime. But showing up, keeping the focus on myself, living one day at a time, refusing to gossip, judging criticize anybody, while I practiced detaching with love,arer all powerful tools that enabled me to change gradually.
Letting go of fear and trusting HP is an extremely rewarding way to live. Knowing that I'm powerless over people places and things, and they in turn are powerless over me, gave me the freedom to begin to take care myself in a healthy fashion,
I can so identify with abandoning my needs, my serenity, my power, my voice and making myself invisible in order to keep the peace. By so doing I lost myself, including my self-esteem and self-worth. The steps, slogans, meetings, all helped to restore me to sanity. I do hope you keep on keeping on
In my house, keeping the peace was the number 1 unwritten rule. There was a lot of subterfuge etc., but if someone got overtly angry, the world was over. That's what it felt like anyway. My mother did get explosively angry at times and it was terrifying to me. So I never learned healthy anger and I never learned to withstand anger (healthy or unhealthy).
Unfortunately when we grow up like that, we can be controlled because all someone has to do is express fury and we scurry to keep the peace. And then it works, so that's reinforcing for them, so the next time they want to control us, they try anger again, and it works again. And we try harder and harder to appease them, and they control us through anger more and more.
It's only recently that I've come to the concept that people can be furious with me and it can not be distressed to me. I mean, I'm sorry they're furious, and I recognize it as unhealthy, and I'm exasperated by it, but I don't feel horrified or devastated by it, to the point where it controls my actions. That's very freeing. I've noticed that when people realize that you're calm enough to walk away, they suddenly get a lot more in control of their anger.
I like what you said Mattie never thought of it
Quite that way. I was never allowed healthy
Anger either as a child.
I always wanted to keep the peace in my marriage
So i often did not rock the boat. I still have a healthy
Fear of my ah anger and sometimes rage.
I love the feel of healthy anger now it is very freeing.
I can get angry at injustices done to me and be good
With it. It helps me face it and heal from it and move
Thru it.
What worked to keep me in line, and still tugs on my emotional self, is "I am so ashamed of what you did!" Ugh. That really sends me to a 4th step and I have to figure out if I inadvertantly did something? or is the other person just taking it wrong? I got this message from my parents (who were not alcoholic) and I always had to examine myself and my motives. Now, when I get it from any one else in my life I get stirred up to self examine.
I currently have a sis-in-law that can hardly face me because she is so angry, but when I examine what I did I can see that she is taking it her own way and it was not the way that was intended, but it was the way it was received. I can't do anything about it. But I can make sure it doesn't make me crazy with wondering.....
Accepting criticism or anger or anything else is a process of self examination. If you know your side of the street is clean there is nothing to do but walk away. If you notice there is something on your side of the street that is not clean, then do a 4th step and figure out what it is and how to handle it and get it cleaned up. Then you can walk away (eventually) and it won't bother you so much. But be gentle with yourself. This is not a quick overnight adjustment. It takes time. Give yourself time.
These old family habit are so deep rooted that sometimes we're just on automatic pilot repeating the patterns. It's wonderful that you're choosing to take a closer look at your own actions, reactions and words. They don't have to echo the past... at least not the unhealthy ones anyway. I think our parents want us to have learned from their mistakes and be better people. It really is a gift to find a new and better way of living with Alanon. We don't have to be hostage to the dysfunction we learned, we can choose to do things differently, more healthfully. When we know better, we do better.
In my growing up years, the pattern was like toppling dominoes. My dad would try to control my mom with his anger. We kids would innocently say or do something at that time and my mom would try to control us by getting angry at us for being visible and verbal and we kids learned early to control our emotions and stuff our feelings.
Thankfully, we can break these patterns as adults with practice. For one thing... healthy people like us back when we do :) One of the hardest things I had to do with my family of origin was to give up my pride and just say how I felt when they did certain things. When you do... I feel... Of course people usually aren't delighted to hear this but what's the alternative? Putting them first and minimizing my own feelings as if they don't matter? They do matter! We matter! Our relationships with our family members matter. I know I would like mine to be better but I can only do my part and do my best to keep an open mind concerning where the other person is coming from. Compassion for myself and others can go a long way. I try to pray for us both to find healing and comfort in our own skins with the help of our higher power. It takes maturity to be kind and understanding in all our dealings with people. I guess I get it wrong more days than I care to count but whatever... we're human and so are our families. We don't need to be perfect people to keep loving one another. Thank goodness for Alanon huh and the chance to live with a little more serenity each day. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you so much for your stories. I have gained much more wisdom. I know as a child not to cross mom and dad. In fact, my dad yelled at us kids if we upset our mom and this was often...most if the time we were innocent then mom would get upset, which set my dad off. We had to hide our emotions and stuff it down. My mom would get angry and I understand that anger as I have it, too. I use that anger as a control mechanism. It makes my situation worse. I am controlled then I lose control after one more thing happens and it forces others when I lose it to isolate myself. It's a vicious cycle. As much as I am controlled, I do it too. In my recovery I have gotten much better. However, I try to have tight control over my finances and personal achievements/ career. Though now today, I have lost control over things that I guess I really didn't have control over all in one day: no job for the summer and now internship for the fall after taking a risk leaving a job that was making me a stress case. And my car is in worse shape than I thought and my warranty ran out. So I either have to pay thousands of dollars or try to get a better car...and I lose my current job at the end of May. As much as I want to trust my HP, after all of this happening in one day, I'm shutting down and desperate. I have trust issues. And control issues. And right now I can't find the serenity in all of this. And I've had no control over my reaction to all of this. It's been a bad day. Thanks for listening/ reading. Right now I feel like my life is spiraling out of control with no safety net and no help from my A. Prayers would be most welcomed.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Of course you have lots of prayers from everyone on this site. Sounds like a really bad day, but from an outsider, it sounds like your HP is setting you up for something. Keep doing the legwork. Find a new job. Get car fixed or replaced. Keep moving and watch out for what the HP puts in your life.
