The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in program about 18 months. I have seen improvement with the way I deal with my reactions to others and less angry response. However, I am not seeing progress and I have asked God for help, guidance. directions in one area of my life I am really struggling with and feeling awful because I am seeing no progress. I currently am a stay at home mom. We had many things culminate when we moved into our new home going on 9 years ago. I feel like ever since then I have always been behind the 8 ball with managing my life. There were many feelings of rejection, not feeling "good enough" or accepted by neighbor moms, mixed messages ... one minute feeling like they liked me and the next minute not included in things. The hot and cold emotionally tore me apart and made me a very moody, depressed wife and mother. I felt isolated and alone and just wanted to feel like I mattered, was connected and that people wanted to be with me and my kids.
Myself and my kids are nice people, I will take responsibility for my immature way of handling my feelings of rejection from various people. I didn't know how to cope with the hot and cold and would in essence pout or make smart ass remarks from built up anger. It hurt a lot to see kids playing together and my kids being isolated. Many of the women I met kept their home looking like a "model home" (like when you look into model homes for building). Not a thing out of place, nothing on the counters, perfectly decorated. It made me feel inferior because they were still also outside with their young children and making meals. I obviously suck and cannot simultaneously manage all the above. So I always have the message of pure failure on my heart. I love my kids to the enth degree and treasure spending time with them. I can't get past this awful feeling about myself. I have felt this sense of loser/failure as a home/family manager that it has caused me to give up on myself since I feel so defeated. I have gained weight, and do nothing that willl make this better. My husband was abusing hydrocodone during some of those years and I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what at the time. 18 months or so ago, I found out. Since then he went into rehab, attends meetings and so do I. So we are both trying and I have learned and accepted my role in some of the neighborhood nonsense that has gone on and my feelings related to it. I have learn to detach more and not worry about all that nonsense. Having my kids getting older and not needing me out with them while playing helps not having it all in my face daily.
However, the one thing that is affecting my feelings about myself and impacts my whole family is my sense of failure with home management/family management. Granted, my husband and I started out later having a family so I'm not in my 30's with the energy I had then and I'm sure the added weight doesn't help with energy. But, no matter how much help that I ask from God I'm getting nowhere. I waste all the time the kids are at school watching Tv, on the computer, sleeping. I do good enough to get by day to day with dishes, cooking, laundry, paying bills, managing their school stuff as both my kids have their own set of challenges (clubfoot for one and dyslexia for another). However, cleaning, organizing, decluttering, decorating, getting window treatments etc ... all not done and I have no umph to get up and do any of it. I use to even be better about keeping up with special events like bithdays, holiday .... I feel like I live a "just get by" attitude. Survive day to day. I'm starting to see/know it is isolating us because of course I don't want to invite anyone in or over to judge me and even my kids I limit friends to not make more mess but their rooms are not functional to hang out in as a cluttered mess. I feel like a failure as they've never really had their rooms really decorated in 9 years as I stop and start ... make them excited with ideas and then my follow through sucks. I don't know how to get off this merry go round that I've created and feel horrible about. Where do I go from here and how ... Obviously, some of this is related to my hubby's unwillingness to help but I have to take responsibility for my role when he is at work all day and I'm doing just enough to get by.
thanks for your time and sorry I felt I had to explain to get the full picture.
What pops into my mind is the phrase that you can't eat an elephant in one bite. I have a family member going through the same sort of issue and she is making headway by agreeing within herself to devote just one hour doing something constructive towards the goal of a more organized living space. I sometimes have to focus on one small project around my house because taken as a whole, its too overwhelming! I have a huge yard, no help, four jobs and no energy when I have time! I HAVE noticed a difference in my energy level when I take a vitamin but boy its hard to make myself remember to do that sometimes (change the things I can). Little things like that, vitamins, resolving some small issue, etc. helps me reduce the size of that elephant bit by bit. And I don't compare my life with anyone else's. I understand that they aren't me and they haven't lived my experiences; and, just because their life LOOKS better doesn't mean they ARE better. I also like the phrase - Progress, not perfection - I can really relate it to resolving my life difficulties - as long as I'm making progress, no matter how small it may seem, its good; I will never be perfect and I can live with that.
Don't give up and welcome to the board!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I am currently getting divorced and i can not get out
Of my own way. I work too much and getting older. I can
Not keep up or get organized right now. My body has
Too much going on in the inside for me to focus..
Depression causes some of what you described, at
Alanon those are traits to be worked on and thru. LMH
Said one project to a time. De clutter your life is the
Mantra here. So you can feel good about yourself and
Home. I suppose it shows emotional health By respecting
yourself and your surroundings. I need to de clutter myself
Too And it is something i always put off doing. Its an
Emotional thing like overeating in my opinion.
I need a lot of self care too you are not alone. The better
You feel about yourself it will shine thru. I need to liose
Weight, excerise and eat better. Instead i continue to
Work too much. Balance and healthy living are the key
Words here.
I have a healthy ego and self esteem but i know my
Marriage to a dry A had beat me down. I am getting
Better everyday, i have self love and self acceptance
But its the self care that lags behind it takes real effort
To change our behaviors for our own betterment.
Mirandac ... that is so true these habits I've developed to "survive/exist/get by," day to day being unhappy sure are hard to break. Plus, it doesn't hurt that I've never been one of those energizer rabbit personalities. I would say I was more task oriented and project oriented before kids and had to learn to put that aside to be able to adjust to their needs ... i.e., not keep them locked up because I had projects to do which could have been all day everyday. Lately, it's actually kind of rude awakening because I use to get mad at hubby before kids at his procrastinating on getting things done and now he is actually getting better at getting things done these days than me!!
I can completely relate to what you shared and I still struggle and being a single parent makes it even more challenging doing everything on my own. What Like My Heart said about eating an elephant all in one bite is totally true. I try to just do a little bit each day and do more the next .. it's a frustrating process. The other thing I am working very hard on is making my kids be more accountable for their mess whatever it is.
They both understand I just can't do it all on my own I'm not hardwired that way. I am not super mom, I do the best I can and I just am not able to do everything. My daughter missed an opportunity to receive an award today at school. SO not mother of the year .. you know what .. I just can't do it all. My focus is a big issue for me. Or better yet lack of it ... I do the best I can however UGH .. it's a daily frustration.
I'm working currently on the clutter and getting things into smaller bite size areas. We will see how it all goes.
Keep coming back it gets better because I continue to learn more and more about myself and the opportunity for growth.
Hugs S:)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
The happier you are on the inside and in your
Life you will attract more healthy people. Keep
Doing your recovery work.
Some people are healthier than others or maybe
Faster learners. I have been going slow In my
recovery journey. Thats how i have always
worked.I need time to process and accept things.
Changing and growing are very hard for us to
Do. We need to get honest with ourselves, face
It and then do something about it. Its the do
Something about it that is the hard part.
Keep reaching out for support from healthy caring
People. Join church groups, library groups anything
That is positive and Uplifting.
Some of us come from or have had abuse so there
are extra problems to face and deal with. Be gentle
as You can wth yourself it really helps. That is self
Love being extra gentle and kind to ourselves. We
Matter and God loves us just as we are.
