The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first al-anon meeting yesterday. My AH thinks it was a support group for parents of special needs children. When I came home he asked how it went. I told him how much I liked it and how I wanted to start going every Sunday and Monday. He was totally on board, at first. Then he responded, what about football season? Football season means extreme drinking on Sundays and Mondays. We have no family support to take care of our kids and it is difficult and unaffordable to find specially trained caregivers for our children. I scheduled a meeting with a psych tomorrow. I am not even fully sure why. I just know that I feel emotionally overwhelmed. My AH is unhappy with the lack of intimacy. I am unhappy that he has slowly began drinking again after 9 months of no drinking. He is a great man. Very supportive and works hard to pay the bills. He doesn't drink daily, but when he does drink, he has a hard time not going overboard. He thinks that the only reason I do not like when he drinks, is because I do not like to drink. For me, it is because of the sloppy, loud, and sometimes rude person he becomes when he has had too much to drink. He is a binge drinker indeed. When he stopped for 9 months, he admitted that he has a problem, but not severe enough to need AA. He said that he has never been used to having to actually feel his feelings. He stated that he refused to give alcohol the power of saying that he was addicted. He felt like taking 9 months off proved that he can stop anytime. I see it differently. Even though he is not drinking as much as he used to, he is still doing it at least 3-4 times a week. He wont drink a whole bottle anymore, but he will drink enough to where I don't want him near me. The last few times I have left the kids with him, he seemed a bit tipsy when I got home. He knows my boundaries. One of which is no getting drunk while watching the kids. So in his head, tipsy and drunk are different. It makes me angry. I know he will not harm the kids. But I also know that being tipsy will not allow him to respond appropriately and in a timely manner should an emergency arise. We even have a friend who used to be our roommate 11 years ago and is now a social worker. She even said that I should cut him some slack because he works long hours and provides for the family. The more I read about alcoholism, the more I know that I am not overreacting. But I still can stop those feelings from slipping through. Thanks for letting me ramble on. Just looking for support and prayers. I don't even know what to say to the psych tomorrow. I will however be attending my second al-anon meeting this evening.
Welcome, and so glad you found your way to a face to face meeting!
I am so happy for you that you are taking the steps to take care of yourself. Keep coming back. AlAnon helps.
(((Hugs))) and positive thoughts headed your way!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Vila welcome to Miracles in Progress, I agree with Scorpi, finding face-to-face Al-Anon meetings and attending is the most positive action you can take for your recovery. Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease affects our thinking, feelings and ability to cope in a proactive positive fashion. Support of face-to-face meetings and like-minded members is crucial to our own recovery. Al-Anon recommends that we live one day at a time and not to project so that worrying about football season at the moment can be put on the back burner. Maybe by then a new meeting will surface and will not be held during football games. Some meetings also have childcare available so that after the tender for a while, you will know if that's an option.
Simple Al-Anon tools like attending meetings, living one day at a time, focused on myself, meditating on an Al-Anon principle, all helped to lead me out of the despair that I found myself in as I live with this disease. There is hope so please keep coming back
Aloha Vlia. I add my welcome with the rest of the family. Glad you have found our face to face meetings in your area and have started to attend for you. Don't like it that the disease has affected you as it has us in the past and then it has never mattered to the disease what Jerry F feel about it. I was born and raised in it and I still on the daily basis have to use the program (grateful for it) to counter act the affects of it in my life. The alcoholics and addicts in my life were also family members and wives and friends. I had wives and alcoholic/addicts I also loved them and didn't want to be around them when they drank and used. Normal and justifiable. I learned in program which one I was with at any one time and how to adjust my thoughts, feelings and behaviors to maintain my peace of mind and serenity at the appropriate times. Its okay to want no intimacy with the alcoholic...drunk or not while longing for the spouse who is hidden by the disease. I had to learn how to do that rather than go thru the insanity of the unmet expectations and unacceptable behaviors. There is a ton of sadness in alcoholism and the need for as much or more understanding. It, disease, hurts everyone it comes into contact including the children who might not feel the permission and authority to speak out and hold their complaints within.
Your alcoholic is beginning to understand the problem he has while your husband knows totally. You have overcome your fear of reaching out for help and he has not. He should know what you know however it is best told him by another recovering alcoholic and not a spouse.
Thank you to each of you! I must admit, I am a little frustrated by what happened just yesterday. But I found a way to surpass my hurdles and roadblocks in order to still make it to another meeting. I am calmly fighting my urges to tell him all of the financial repercussions that are to come from what he did yesterday. But I will not nag or tell him about himself. Deep down inside, I think he is aware of his stupidity. The worst part for me is the financial blow that my family suffers when he gets as drunk as he did yesterday. And of course, every time we are finally caught up on our financial obligations, he does something to set us back in a major and painful way. Rent is due in 3 days. We finally caught up, and now we are behind again. Its a cycle that I wish I could break, but am learning that I cannot. Thank you again! It is nice having a place to vent where my husbands true self will not be judged negatively.
Talking to him about the consequences of his drunks is allowable done in a respectful way. Why respectful...when I found out that my ex-alcoholic addict wife was a sick person thru coming to understand that this is about disease and not about being stupid or bad then my ability to see her as a child of God and a human being returned. I became able to speak with her more calmly which helped her to understand I was no longer hammering on her and thinking of her as a bitch. That worked very well for me because doing it the former way hurt me a lot also. Keep working it because this works and the consequences are life gets better for you...maybe not him...for you. (((((hugs)))))
