The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been such an awful couple of weeks. Two of my dear friends have passed away, financial stress and taxes and now last night after my friend's service my AB and I stopped by his office to drop off the bike and there on his desk was a razor blade. I stared in disbelief for half a second then picked it up, ran my finger across it and tasted...yep, it was coke. Again. "That's not mine, so and so did a line and left the blade out." It's his office, his shop, no one elses. Lie and lie. "But this time I'm telling the truth"
And then. And then. And then he starts telling me everything I'VE done wrong. Everything I've done that has hurt him. What a terrible partner I have been.
Look. I get I'm not perfect. I go to my meetings and I'm trying my damndest to grow and become a better person. And what has he done?
He's been wanting to move back in. He's basically homeless and his 8 year old son is coming for the summer. I've made it clear he can't move in back here but he's been insisting he's clean and he wants to move back in. On that, I've stood my ground. He has to get his life together and learn to rely on himself. I am not helping by enabling him and letting him move back in.
I feel like I've been SO good with my boundaries and now this. It's really thrown me for a loop!
Wow, what a difficult time. I am glad that you stood your ground. His 8 year old son is his responsibility, and he has got to find a place to go with that little boy.
One thing I stopped doing, thanks to AlAnon, was getting into competitions/discusions with my wife about who was the worst partner. (Well, if you hadn't X, I wouldn't have felt like I needed to Y.) There was no winning that one with her, and I just ended up magnifying my deficiencies and feeling guilt about them.
You are on the right track with your boundaries and for standing your ground. Keep it up!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Greener Gal , I am sorry for the losses that you have experienced this week and understand your disappointment and sadness. I agree with Scorpi, getting into the compare who is the worst person/ the best person in a relationship never works out well .
Al-Anon is taught me that I am powerless over people places and things, so that what they do is on them and what I do is on me. You are human and are willing to grow and change. That is what countsBy attending meetings, you're working a spiritual program that will enrich your life experience.
This is not an easy program, and learning to take care of ourselves is one of the most important tools that we can develop. Keeping the focus on ourselves, being kind and respectful to ourselves as well as others helps in difficult times.
You've clearly been so good with your boundaries! Of course that never means the addict won't use. Using is what addicts do. But it means that he's not living with you while he's doing it, and you're spared that closeup experience of the chaos, insanity, etc. Even at this distance, you can see the lying and nonsense that go along with addiction. So glad you are not more closely entwined!
I hope you will hold your ground and keep protecting yourself. That's very disturbing about his 8-year-old - I hope his mother is alert and will protect him. But protecting you is the most important thing you can do and are doing.
You don't seem thrown for a loop. You have held your boundaries, and not second-guessed yourself as to whether the razor blade was his or anybody else's. You realize that it really doesn't matter anyway. Let him have his little fight, but he can't have one without you, and you don't have to attend every right you are invited to!
He's a big boy, and the sooner he realizes that you aren't going to cave, the sooner he can start looking to other resources for housing.
Winner Greenergal...winner!! You're getting it. You didn't take the whole invitation to Justify Argue Deny and Explain yourself to the addiction which needs to hide from its reality. Good on You...(throw left hand over right shoulder (or opposite is okay too) and then pat yourself on the back. In support. (((((hugs)))))
You are doing great greenergal your HP has
been holding your hand leading The way for
you.
Good boundary guarding with your addict.
Thats what alanon teaches us how to take better
Care of ourselves and to get emotionally strong
Enough to stand up to the disease.
I know myself i was beat down and had loose
Boundaries with my dry ah. He walked all over me
Till the pain got too much and i started alanon
To his AA. He did not get better i did he is still
In denial of his emotional problems.
Keep taking care of you the disease does not
Want you to do that. Hold your head up high
you are doing fine:)
GreenerGal, maybe this is a question out of curiousity, but I hope it it a useful question for you: What are you getting out of this relationship? I'm hearing emotional abuse, manupulation, lying, blaming you, PLUS ongoing active addiction. I'm not even hearing the usual "He is so great when he's sober.." (whichI usually don't buy because they still refuse recovery and lie and manipulate sober too). But seriously, I'm asking so that maybe you you get some clarity on your role in this. If it's so horrible and draining...you already had him move out, and it's getting worse, what is this doing for you?
And then. And then. And then he starts telling me everything I'VE done wrong. Everything I've done that has hurt him. What a terrible partner I have been.
Look. I get I'm not perfect. I go to my meetings and I'm trying my damndest to grow and become a better person. And what has he done?
I am just so tired. So gawd awful tired.
That. I can relate to that. So much.
No one is perfect. He just throws it out there so that he doesn't have to assume responsibility for his actions. My AH does this to me ALL the time.
I would recommend to be careful about reacting too much to that -- I have trouble with that, I always want to end up defending myself and explaining how I try my hardest, etc. But, I realize that it doesn't matter that I do that -- my AH doesn't care/listen/acknowledge it, because the only reason he brings up such things is to divert the topic off of him and onto the other person (me). In reacting and defending yourself, I feel, it's just giving him what he wants -- a topic change, a shift from him to you. Sounds like you've done a good job not falling for it...but I know (at least for me anyway) sometimes it can be hard to not let it get to you anyway.
Now that I've had some time to reflect on that situation and have gone to my meetings I am reminded of J.A.D.E., don't justify, argue, defend or explain. That particular day was so incredibly hard and having that encounter with my qualifier was not what I needed.
And Pinkchip, I ask myself that sometimes and I'm not always sure I'm being honest with myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my guy, I really do. But what do I really have? hmmm
He is very emotionally supportive.
He has changed drastically since November when my/our friend Dick passed. It's taken many steps forward and many, many steps back but he's doing so very well facing his issues. And seriously, I think that's the single most important thing. Our relationship is not perfect, we are two people who have come from very, very abusive backgrounds. But I have had decades to work on my issues and look at it as a life-long battle. Honestly, Al-Anon has been the BEST thing I've ever done for myself. On the other hand, he's a newbie at this. And he has grown more in the last 6 months than I did in my first 6 years working on childhood crap.
Does he slide backwards sometimes? yep indeed! But he's getting better and better at getting up and brushing himself off. I can't even put into words how proud I am of him and his accomplishments. I constantly wish that I had taken so much time to work on issues when I was his age. Not that I would be perfect now....hahaha
There is a poem by Portia Nelson we sometimes talk about after a rough patch:
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
