The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a while since I've been on the board or to a meeting and need to get to one asap. It's also been about 6 months since AH and I have lived together. I have already grown so far apart from him especially with all the recent events. But still I can't let him go and I don't know what I'm holding to. A couple weeks ago he told me he would do whatever it takes to have us ( me and the kids) back in his life. If that meant quit drinking then that's what he would do. I told him I wasn't going to hold my breath and I'd believe it when I saw it. I also told him I wouldn't move back in with him or make any commitments if he continued to drink. I just can't put myself or the kids through it anymore. Even if he so called cut back!!! Since that I have seen no effort or changes in quitting. I told him I can't make him or force him to do it he needs to do it on his own or get some professional help if he's serious about quitting.
Thisbrings me to the resentment!! I have so much anger towards him for everything he has put us through. Not only am I angry with him but myself for all the things I could have done differently. I know it's in the past and I can't change all the damage that's done. But how do I stop being so mad and angry with him and myself? Sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut and not bring up all the things he's done to us! Not just to his family but to himself.. how can a person continue to put themselves and the people around them through so much and not WANT to quit?? It makes me so mad. I try hard everyday to focus on me and the kids. But when I talk to AH or see him all the feelings rush to me like a flood. Sometime s I can control them MOST of the time I can't.
All i can say is keep working on you that Is the
only one you can control. You can not Control
or fix him only he can. You are standing Up for
yourself by living separate. You are doing
What a lot of other people would like to do And
Also Not accepting the unacceptable Anymore.
Give yourself credit for your courage and bravery
To leave conditions that were not working for you
And your children. You have taken a stand its not
Going to be easy or pleasant.
Increase your meetings if you can. Talk to good
And healthy people for support. Keep reaching
Out to keep your sanity. Stop beating yourself
Up for the past. Focus on what you can change,
You.
I wish i did plenty of things different and also
Wish i Started alanon 30 years ago but i didn't.
My own story is a bit like yours. I left my ex ah but still saw him everyday, his drinking got worse. It took 6 months in alanon for me to see that i was done with the merrygoround. So i ended it completely, then my healing really began and the anger came. It surprised me, it was an i tense anger. It passed as i worked alanon everyday, rought it into every part of my life. I learned to forgive him and myself. Forgiveness was the main thing that freed me from resentment and anger. I learned that alcoholism is a disease. My ex has behaved from the disease rather than an evil place. He was never bad, he was sick. I was never his victim either, i was sick too.
Your husband might never find sobriety in aa, how long do you intend to wait? You are entitled to a good life. Its too much for one person to deal with, get yourself the help at alanon.
Alcohol/Alcoholism is the one disease that whispers in the sufferers ear that it is the cure to the very problem it is creating. That is why he doesn't want to quit. He doesn't have to feel all the horrible feelings, or at least doesn't have to feel them fully, when he checks out and gets drunk. Of course, you would wonder why he doesn't want to feel the good feelings that sobriety brings? But I can tell you from having been in that spot...Most alcoholics are deeply fearful and don't want to fully admit they have a massive problem and they need serious help in an ongoing fashion.
I really get what you are saying and it's been hard for me also to not let my anger and resentment spill out for all the same reasons you give. I try to remind myself everyday to Rmember that it gets us nowhere anyway and ultimately I'm just hurting myself and he will just use my anger as an excuse to drink his misery away. I find it really helpful to read the books, and posts here and go to meetings when I feel upset. It helps me to keep focused on my recovery and if I slip up with him then i dont beat myself up about it anymore and instrad I try to see it As an opportunity for positive growth and change.
My Ninja Sponsor (lol) taught me about "Opposites". I use to do resentments like it was the best investment available and I hated the payoff for me and to me. I hated feeling that so my sponsor (Don T...get the name) told me if you Don T like feeling resentment then feel the opposite of it and get the opposite/better/ positive emotion. "What is the opposite emotion"? I asked and his response was "forgiveness". Resentment cannot exist where forgiveness is and forgiveness cannot exist where there is resentment. He was absolutely right...Don T resent. Of course learning why, how and when and where is the practice. That uses all of the tools of the program including the meetings, literature, sponsorship, service...practice, practice, practice. It doesn't result in perfection and then whenever the chance to review old resentments comes back up (like this weekend for me) it becomes just another forgiveness practice. My first addict and her group of addicts tore my family apart to dust which involved close friends who still feel and remember how it hurt them too and sometimes when we find ourselves together again that powerful tragedy comes back up...I will sit and talk and listen with a newer program understanding with forgiveness...not justification...and then be able to let go and let God more easily.
Might want to investigate the 4th step on it and on your self at this time. just a suggestion. (((((hugs)))))
I am going to a meeting tonight and going to reach out for a sponsor. I understand the concepts of the steps but I'm having a hard time working them. Right now I don't see a future with my AH but I still hold onto this hope that there will be change. There are other struggles that are making my journey to recovery difficult. I have my mom who is very controlling and wants me to do things her way. When I try to tell her that I'm going to make the choices that I feel are best for me and my boys. That includes me talking to or seeing my AH. She doesn't agree with me or accept it when I tell her that. Since I am living with her right now I feel like there isn't a whole lot I can say or do. I feel like I am a teenager again. She definitely doesn't understand the struggle of what I am going through. I know she loves us and wants only the best. So I don't make a big deal. But it doesn't make it any easier.
One day at a time sister and what helped me also and still does is to choose my Higher Powers wisely. My own parents were from the disease and didn't make great Higher Powers. The program and God as I particularly understand God...as suggested work as my Higher Powers. My sponsors were tools of HP for my recovery. Trust the program as it works when you work it. Work forgiveness to help you get that breath of air and feelings of release from the resentments. (((((hugs)))))
You are in a hard spot. Too bad you can not get ah
Out of the house so you can return. Him out you in.
I realize yours is active and that is the problem.
I stood my ground against my dry ah and His new gf.
I am still here till we get divorce. I Wont move out
till i get most of my settlement. I had even offered
he could Move back in. He did not like that option.
I dont Think he thought i had it in me to fight him
And stand my ground. Alanon gave me the backbone
And courage To fight him. He had beat me down
With his behaviors and disease. The addict in him is
Alive and kicking.
I too have a controlling mother not much fun. Try
Some boundaries with her. A good sponsor would
come in handy right about now. Steps 1-3 are really
Needed to begin your recovery the rest just follow
Along when you are ready to work them in earnest.
Try to find someone you look up to and also someone
With some available time. My sponsor has little time
For me. I would like to find a very wise little old lady
myself.
Before I cut the ties completely with my Xah I held on .. For me it was more about my self esteem out lack of it. If HE would love me enough I was not broken. What was wrong with me that he couldn't love me? I don't even think it was about loving me more than alcohol .. It was about me not being lovable in my own mind. I had to discover the difference between appropriate anger and resentments. Resentments for me represent not getting my way in the past. That doesn't mean going forward accepting unacceptable behavior out of myself or others. Anger is a clearly motivating factor for change. It is ok to process anger about unacceptable situations .. Me sitting around going oh poor sick alcoholic cheated on me I'm going straight to forgiveness .. I'm thinking not so much. Staying in that anger is where I risk getting and staying sick. I'm not willing to have him be in my life. The same sick behavior is there .. I'm ok distancing myself without allowing it to run my life. I am wired differently not special just different .. Yes he's sick he's still responsible for his choices just like I am. Hugs it's all a process. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
