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I often ask my adult son to turn the lights off if he is not using them, to save me money. It gets on his nerves and I have heard that when someone says something more than once it becomes controlling. So I have tried to hold off saying it so often, but then I wonder how much of it is me walking on egg shells to save an argument. Sometimes I forget and I say it.
Yesterday i said it ever so nice, it was a sunny day, sun streaming in the windows, he had the lights on in two rooms, well it was one big room joined, kitchen and dining room, so I turned the light off in one room as he was in the other and when he wanted it turned back on I pointed out how light it was, anyway he does not like to be told, so I got called a name, basically a colloquial term calling me stupid but with anger in his voice, not a jokey thing.
At first it did not register, then I went away to my room and thought about it. I usually have two reactions to this, either it does not register because that was my dysfunctional family life for years, me included...shouting, swearing, arguing, name calling. The other reaction is usually heart broken, sobbing, thinking my son hates me, theres no love in this house for me, Im living with the enemy.
So I was in a more peaceful state, not sure if I was in the under reacting state, or walking on eggshells, or what? So not sure whether to bring it up with him about how I dont like getting called names, but this has been said so many times I'm wondering if this is becoming like that controlling behaviour through saying things over and over, or is each time separate and ok to state I dont like being spoken to like that.
I am a bit confused but glad to be more peaceful, I would welcome any suggestions or comments please.
It sounds to me as if there's a complicated dynamic going on here. This is not to say that it is not mature to react by insulting someone. I mean it's an immature response. But I'd guess that 95% of the people in the world aren't very practiced at the more mature response, or even aware of it. I mean the kind of response that would be something like, "I know you'd like the lights turned off, but to me it seems like more trouble than it's worth, and I'm afraid I'm just not willing to remember to do it. Also I'd like to bring something up about our interactions..." That kind of calmness and analysis takes a lot of thought to get to.
The other things that I notice in this interaction is that your son is an adult, but you're telling him what to do, which puts him in a child position. And that it's your house, which means that ultimately it's your say and I'm guessing you pay the bills. And it may be that he feels guilty about that and sensitive. I know that when I used to go back and visit my mother, even when I was in my 30s, I'd revert back to being about 12, and she'd revert back to treating me like I was 12, and both of us kind of lost our grip on mature adult interactions. It is so so easy!
I'm just thinking through some of the extra factors there because I sense that the larger situation is complicated. And I know that ultimately the only person we can change is ourselves, and asking "What's my part in it?" has often been a sobering but useful question.
So as I see it, you're taking the point of view that you have a right to be telling him what you want him to do (which seems reasonable), and he's taking the point of view that he's an adult and he doesn't like being told what to do (also seems reasonable). How to talk about this without becoming heated and polarized is the real challenge. He doesn't know how to resist except by showing anger, and then I know it's tempting to respond to anger with anger. But I'm guessing that if he's already sensitive to being told what to do, telling him not to insult you may be fully justified, but it won't be helpful when phrased in that way.
These are just some of my thoughts and may not be helpful to you at all. And they could be way off base. Take what you like and leave the rest. I think you're one step ahead of the game even thinking about how to approach this instead of what we often do - React first, think later!
-- Edited by Mattie on Thursday 23rd of April 2015 01:51:39 AM
when my husband who is newly sober calls me names now I say to him "Name calling is not acceptable and we are done for tonight" I'm very clear that it's just for the night....and I then absent myself from the situation. I will not tolerate any abuse any longer. Name calling is abuse.
the next time we are together I don't bring it up or berate him, I start from scratch every time we are together. But the consequences of his behavior are that I am not with him at the time. And it's improving. He rarely calls me names now since he knows it loses his wife for the rest of that day/night.
If he is NOT paying the electric bill, then he has no consequences of leaving the lights on. I like the lights on. we switched to CFLS which use less electricity and then I have less guilt about leaving them on.
"Please turn off the light" seems ok to ask. IF he does not do it. I would just do it yourself and not nag him about it. But I would hope he is presented with his share of the electric bill so that his consequences help him learn.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
As I read your posting, I noted that it appears that the family dynamic has been to name call , argue, fight and be at odds over issues. In his eyes this behavior is perfectly normal. I understand that you have Incorporated new behaviors and have decided to not react and to treat them with courtesy and respect.
Old habits die hard, and I know my family still uses sarcasm , anger, resentment, in order to attain their goals. I do believe, having a conversation about such an issue might be helpful. Not reacting, is also a powerful tool
I like the ESH given and agree to setting a new boundary. I tell people name calling is where I draw the line in communication, if someone needs to say anything snarky or rude to me I let them know it is unacceptable to me and I am done. I am good at stating this without rationalizing, explaining, or arguing although it took practice. I had to work hard on my reaction and not reacting to everything that is said and it takes my al-anon tool box and practice. I am glad you are here this is a good reminder for me! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My A and I just got in an argument last night, during the course of which he called me a name. This is not a frequent occurrence, but it's also not the first time. I've always responded w/anger and sometimes namecalled back, which I know is not the best way to deal with it. I've been stewing over how to better handle it, how to make a boundary, and this thread is helpful. Thanks to all who shared.
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Forgiving is not forgetting. It is remembering and letting go. -- Claudia Black
